


Asahi Meets Tsukishima

by nightshade_19



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Denial, Like really minor - don't even worry about it, M/M, Social Anxiety, minor injury, panic disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-30
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-07-19 05:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 57,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7346554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightshade_19/pseuds/nightshade_19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wanted to write a rare pair, and AsaTsukki jumped out at me for some reason.</p><p>Tsukishima's attacks are getting worse, so his mother insists on him going to a local anxiety support group, seeing as he outright refuses to see a proper doctor. Tsukishima figures he can just go to one or two and then stop once his mother is appeased, unfortunately when he shows up he sees a familiar face. Now Asahi is curious as to why Tsukishima, of all people, is showing up to an anxiety support group? There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with him. But he soon learns that Tsukishima isn't as calm and collected as he outwardly seems, and the unlikely duo start to bond when Asahi finally manages to get Tsukishima to open up.</p><p>UPDATES THURSDAYS & SATURDAYS</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Just One Hour A Week

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> I wanted to start another fic, and I really wanted to do a rarepair and this just came to me. Disclosure: I don't have anxiety, nor do I personally know anyone who does, so I apologise if at any point I say something inaccurate or offensive etc. I'll try hard not to but I'm not perfect, so if ever you feel like you want to correct or clarify something I've said feel free to tell me
> 
> <3  
> nightshade

                Tsukishima stood at the doors of the public library, unwilling to go in. His mother had already driven off however, not that she’d have let him get in anyway, and he was in the next town over so he wasn’t going to be walking home. He eventually steeled himself and walked through the doors, figuring he may as well get it over with. _I’ll just go once, and then come up with some excuse not to go again_ , Tsukishima thought as he looked around the public building, trying to find a sign or something that might indicate where he was supposed to be going, _I mean there’s no way she’s going to drive me out here every weekend, she’s too busy for that_. He noticed a small handwritten flyer taped to the front of one of the rooms towards the back of the building which could be booked for meetings and clubs. Looking around to make sure no one was looking at him, he shuddered slightly and pushed open the door.

                _Crap_ , was the first thought that entered his head, _Crap crap crap crap crap._ The room was somewhat cramped, a small circle of chairs in the centre of the room and a desk pushed against the side with styrofoam cups of coffee and off-brand crackers. He might have found how cliche it all was amusing if he wasn’t having a minor freak out. _What the hell is he doing here?!_

                There were already a few people in the room, two plain-looking girls, probably in middle school, sat together talking quietly. A middle aged woman who Tsukishima could very easily see being one of the librarians slowly sipped a cup of coffee, looking very uncomfortable as some geeky looking kid droned on and on about some inane topic. Probably trains judging from the “very cool looking” train covered t-shirt he was wearing. A few others milled around the coffee table. The person who Tsukishima was focused on however was sitting in the circle alone, quietly munching away on a few crackers, and thankfully not looking in his direction. _We’re in the next town over – what the hell is Asahi-san doing here?!_

                Tsukishima stood frozen for a moment before promptly turning on the spot to walk out the door, planning to leave before he gave the ace a chance to see him. _Screw this – this wasn’t part of the plan. I’d rather wait outside in the dark until Mother comes back to pick me up._ He walks over to the door, flinging it open as quickly as he can, only to come face to face with a youngish looking man struggling with a box while trying to open the door.

                “Oh, thank you,” the man says, smiling at Tsukishima who is just willing him to get out of his way enough that he can barge through without knocking the man over and causing a scene. “You must be our newest member. Trying to make a run for it already?” he joked. Tsukishima was not joking. Perhaps sensing that, the man ushered him into the room, closing the door behind him, and called the others attention, telling them the session was about to start. He eyed Tsukishima with a pleasant smile spread across his face until Tsukishima relented and trudged over to an empty chair before sitting down. _I guess there’s no avoiding it then_.

                He’d sat near the two middle school girls and one of them, seemingly after being goaded on by the other, tried to greet him and introduce herself. Before she could even finish he interrupted her,

                “I really couldn’t care less,” he informed he flatly before turning away, leaving the downtrodden girl to go back to her seat to be comforted by her friend. It was at this point that Asahi looked up, having heard a voice he could swear was familiar, but one he hadn’t heard here before. His eyes widened in recognition when he spotted Tsukishima sitting across the circle from him, his mouth dropping open a bit and a few cracker crumbs dropping into his little goatee. Before he could say anything Tsukishima gave him a glare, apparently harsh enough to make Asahi look like he was about to wet himself. Getting the message he quickly glanced away, absently brushing the crumbs from his face as the man who’d gotten them to all sit in the circle stood up to begin the proceedings.

                “Okay everyone, it’s about time we started. First, someone left this watch behind last time, I’m guessing it was you Tahiro-kun,” The train kid looked up to see the watch the man was holding, clearly made for a child, the gaudy thing was acrylic blue with a face depicting the front of an old steam train. Tahiro ran up to grab it eagerly, immediately fastening it onto his wrist. Tsukishima resisted the urge to make some snide remark about a boy his own age being so protective of a thing childish by a toddler’s standards. But, he’d decided the best way to get through this would just be to not do anything – don’t speak, don’t look at anyone, just wait out the hour and go home, hopefully never to return.

                “Now, let’s begin where we left off last time. I think we were about to listen to Midori-chan,” he turned to one of the middle school girls, he’d already forgotten which one had spoken to him, “Do you have anything to share this week?”

                The girl droned on for twenty minutes about how _hard_ her life was, about how the other girls at school were _so mean_ , all while the other girl rubbed her shoulder gently when she started to cry a little towards the end. _Oh my god_ , Tsukishima thought to himself, externally maintaining a blank stare at the ground, as he’d been doing for the entire session so far and planned to do for the rest of it as well, _How pathetic, that girl’s only problem is being too whiny_.

                Asahi on the other hand had spent the whole time listening intently to the girl’s story, looking almost on the verge of tears himself by the time she’d finished. That was when he hadn’t been furtively glancing over to Tsukishima every thirty seconds as if he’d grown a second head and he was the only one who could see it. Thankfully the hour was almost over by the time they’d gotten through whiny middle school girl number two, and Tsukishima was already itching to leave.

                “Now,” the man who’d been leading the group said, Tsukishima could only vaguely remember his name, he was pretty sure it started with an S, but he really didn’t care enough to find out if he was right. “I’m sure you’ve all noticed we have a new member this week, so next time I think we’ll start with him, if that’s okay with everyone?”

                A few people nodded slightly, Asahi fidgeting awkwardly in his chair, struggling to pretend as if Tsukishima wasn’t there. Tsukishima silently cursed the man from behind his stony face, even if he didn’t plan on coming back next week, the mere idea of him _participating_ was enough to irritate him. Once it was apparent Tsukishima wasn’t going to acknowledge him, the man sighed and ended the session, packing his things back into the large cardboard box he’d brought with him. Most people seemed happy to stay and chat with each other for a few minutes after that, but Tsukishima was more than ready to leave, rushing out of the door and not stopping until he’d left the library, leaving Asahi in the room, still confused as to what Tsukishima had been doing there.

                Standing in the dark parking lot, he sighed in relief when he saw his mother pull up, jogging towards the car and getting in.

                “So,” she asked, a little too eagerly, “How was your first therapy session?”

                “It’s not therapy,” Tsukishima tersely corrected her, “And it was fine. In fact, it was so great that I’m cured and never have to go back again.”

                “Kei-chan,” she sighed, “I want you to at least try. Yamaguchi-kun was really concerned when he came to me, I am too,”

                “Yamaguchi is a worrywort who should learn to keep his nose out of other people’s business. There’s nothing wrong with me.” Tsukishima snapped, attempting to will the car to start and the conversation to end.

                “He worries because he cares Kei. We only want what’s best for you, and you can’t keep ignoring the problem,” his mother explained, “It would really mean a lot to me if you just tried a little next week,” she asked hopefully.

                “But I already told you,” Tsukishima said, “I’m fine now, I don’t need to go back-“

                “You’re going back.” she interrupted him in her strictest ‘mum voice’. Tsukishima fumed in silence, apparently his mother was planning to be stubborn about this. That was fine, he could be stubborn too. Eventually she’d give up and he could get back to his life.

                He looked down at the flyer sitting next to him, the one his mother had seen and shown him excitedly the other day, and the same as the one that had been taped to the front of the door. “ _Anxiety Help Group. A safe space where people can discuss their anxiety with other people like them and help each other to come up with healthy ways to live with it._ ” He scrunched up the piece of paper, throwing it into the back of the car, despite his mother’s disapproving look. It was just an hour a week, he could deal with that. The real problem was going to be Asahi.


	2. A Couple Of Glares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello reader-peoples,
> 
> Thank you for all the love on the first chapter of this, I know this isn't one of the conventional pairings so I'm glad people are still giving the fic a shot anyway. I've gotten really into this idea, so I want to try and update it as regularly as I can, while still regularly updating my other fic.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter as well,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi was setting the net up, tying the same knot for the third time. He kept getting distracted and screwing up, having to do it all over again while Sugawara just looked at him hopelessly.

                “Here, let me do it,” the setter eventually offered, taking the net from Asahi’s hands and quickly tying the knots deftly, stepping back after a few moments to go help Daichi get the volleyballs ready.

                “Uh, thanks Suga,” Asahi mumbled as Suga left, embarrassed he’d needed help with something so simple, but he couldn’t get his mind off of what had happened last night. _What on earth was Tsukishima doing there? Maybe it wasn’t him, maybe it was just, uh, a doppelganger – yeah, a doppelganger... with the same name... and same scary glare..._

                Asahi shook his head, determined to get out of his thoughts and focus on getting ready for morning practice. He was the ace, and a third year, he couldn’t be getting distracted in the middle of practice. He busied himself stretching, wanting something to do other than just stand around waiting for everyone to arrive.

                Tsukishima strode in through the door, typical air of apathy following him around, perhaps the only thing different from usual was the rare absence of Yamaguchi at his side. He came up behind Asahi, who was too focused on stretching and not worrying about Tsukishima, before hissing at him quietly enough that no one else could hear.

                “Yesterday never happened,” Tsukishima’s sudden words and presence startling Asahi, making him slip and stumble a bit before turning around to come face to face with Tsukishima’s unrelenting glare, “I was never there. You know nothing.” Not even waiting for Asahi to respond, he strode off, over to the other side of the court to begin stretching himself. Asahi eventually managed to squeak out an “okay” after Tsukishima was already half way across the court, thankful that the first year that towered, even over him, had left him before he’d actually had a heart attack.

                He watched as Yamaguchi came trotting into the gym, bee-lining for Tsukishima as soon as he saw him. Asahi could half make out their conversation despite the blood still thrumming in his ears for the stress of mere moments ago.

                “Tsukki, where’d you go? You didn’t wait for me,” Yamaguchi asked

                “You took too long,” Tsukishima replied flatly, leaving it at that, the response seemingly enough to satisfy Yamaguchi who didn’t ask any further. When they line up as Coach Ukai calls them in, addressing them as he does every morning, Asahi stiffens as he feels an ominous presence next to him. He cautiously turns his head slightly, only for it to snap back when it meets Tsukishima’s narrowed eyes and half-snarl. When he finally finds the courage to take a second glance he sees nothing but the middle blocker’s typical stoic expression, apparently indifferent to the third year next to him.

                When Coach Ukai finally set them off, Daichi guiding everyone to there positions for the first round of exercises, Asahi took no chances and made sure to dash as fast as he could as far away from Tsukishima as he could while still being in the gym, uncaring for the odd looks it earned him.

 

                *******

 

                _Pftt, I don’t even know why I was worried_ , Tsukishima thought to himself, quietly observing the ace on the far side of the gym as Nishinoya and Tanaka kept trying to drag him into their argument, despite his insistence that he didn’t have any strong opinions one way or the other. _All it took was a couple of glares and a thinly veiled threat and he’s already almost wetting himself. I suppose that’s what I should have expected from someone who goes to an anxiety help group_. It took half a second before an annoying voice in the back of his head (which sounded suspiciously like Yamaguchi observed that _he_ was going to that same anxiety help group, and another half second for Tsukishima to squash that voice so hard it would think twice before piping up in future.

                “Tsukki, we’re practising receives now,” Yamaguchi tugged on his sleeve, trying to get his attention, snapping Tsukishima from his thoughts, before sighing and meandering over to where the rest of the team had started lining up. Waiting in line, Tsukishima soon grew bored of listening to the sound of volleyballs pounding against the ground as Hinata continued to fail at everything he did. _Honestly, how can those two idiots ever expect to beat anyone when they can’t even receive a ball half the time_ , he thought snarkily. He considered voicing his comments, but a small pinch from Yamaguchi told him the boy had already read his mind and apparently disapproved, so he kept his mouth shut.

                Eventually it was his turn to receive. Walking forward, he positioned himself directly across from where Asahi was standing on the other side of the court, getting ready to spike the ball over the net. When he saw who’s turn it was to receive, the ace paled a little, glancing furtively back at Sugawara and preparing to spike his toss. Tsukishima grinned internally. As Asahi jumped to spike the ball, his focus was distracted by Tsukishima’s sudden death glare from across the court. Caught off-guard, Asahi fumbled the spike, the ball falling to the ground as it hit the net, getting in the way of the ace’s landing resulting in him falling flat on his rear.

                Tsukishima snickered behind his hand, not entirely displeased to hear a few others stifled giggles behind him. Until of course Sugawara gave them all one of his feared looks of disapproval. Tsukishima, still not quite ready to give up toying with the ace couldn’t help but say,

                “Better luck next time, right _ace_?” his snarky tone causing Asahi to get even more flustered. Finished, Tsukishima let Asahi spike properly, although it was far from his best given how self-conscious the third year still was, and received it perfectly, stepping to the side of the court for the next person to go.

 

                *******

 

                _I don’t understand_ , Asahi thought to himself as he watched Tsukishima walk out of the gym, looking like he was only half listening to the chattering Yamaguchi beside him, _He’s not any different... well, maybe he’s a bit more scary than before, but... why is he going to an anxiety help group?_ The question plagued him for the whole morning, leaving him looking at an empty piece of paper and a sinking feeling at the end of his first class. _Does he really have anxiety too? But he’s Tsukishima, if anything he gives other people anxiety just by being there! Maybe... maybe he’s just there because of me? Maybe he found out that I go there, so he came to make fun of me!_ Asahi began concocting all kinds off horrible scenarios in his head of Tsukishima, cackling away at home, thinking of how to use all the things he’d learn from listening to Asahi confess his innermost fears and issues to terrorise him on a daily basis for his own amusement.

                _No_ , Asahi tried to reason with himself, _No, even Tsukishima wouldn’t be so cruel... right?_ He still felt uneasy about it, trying to convince himself that it was just his mind playing tricks, and that Tsukishima wasn’t just trying to sabotage his life. _Yamaguchi!_ Asahi suddenly thought, _There’s no way Yamaguchi would let Tsukishima do something like that – and Yamaguchi knows everything Tsukishima does_. Apparently satisfied with his argument that Tsukishima couldn’t be attending just to torture him, Asahi found himself still left with the question at hand – What was Tsukishima doing there?


	3. A Detective He Isn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone,
> 
> Here is the latest chapter, warning: there may not be another one until the weekend. I'll try and post one before then, but his week is going to be really busy for me so I might not be able to get to it for a while. I've sort of planned out the beginnings of this story, but I don't know how it's going to end or anything just yet so I've got to start thinking about that too. I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's mostly just Asahi failing, but next chapter should have some more in terms of plot :)
> 
> nightshade

                “So...” Asahi started, awkwardly breaking the content silence as the three third years sat eating lunch, “Have you guys noticed anything, uh, different, about Tsukishima lately?” Sugawara and Daichi looked up from their meals, both a little confused at the sudden question. It had been a few days and Asahi still couldn’t think of any reason why Tsukishima had come to his anxiety help group, despite watching him like a hawk. A very timid hawk who flew off in a puff of feathers every time it’s mark turned around and glared at it. Of course the simplest reason – that Tsukishima suffered from some kind of anxiety – had barely entered Asahi’s thoughts before being immediately dismissed. _Tsukishima is one of the most self-assured, cool people I know_ , Asahi thought, _There’s no way he has anxiety – and if even he does, what hope is there for the rest of us?_

                “Well,” Daichi attempted to reply, unsure what had prompted the question, “Could you be a little more specific than, uh, _different_?”

                “Oh, um, I don’t know really,” Asahi explained sheepishly, “I, uh, was just wondering if he seemed different to anyone else this week. It’s probably nothing, never mind,” Asahi directed all of his attention back to his lunch, trying to ignore the curious looks of his friends, “I-it’s nothing – I swear!”

                “Asahi, you are by far the worst liar I know,” Sugawara laughed, “Even Hinata could keep a secret better than you could!” Asahi shrunk into himself as the two chuckled together at his ineptitude. “So, are you actually going to tell us what’s going on?” Sugawara asked, starting to feel a little bad for laughing, but knowing Asahi wasn’t as big of a cry baby as he sometimes seemed.

                “I told you, it’s nothing,” Asahi muttered, adamant he wasn’t going to tell. He wasn’t entirely sure why he didn’t want to tell anyone about Tsukishima. Part of it was spite for them having laughed, another part was fear of what Tsukishima might do if he found out he’d told someone, but mostly he couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone something so potentially personal. Tsukishima had been quite clear that it was no one’s business, and Takao-san (the man who ran the group) had implied Tsukishima was coming back. Asahi knew he wouldn’t really want other people gossiping about him having to go to what was effectively group therapy, so at some point it seemed he’d decided to respect Tsukishima’s wishes to keep his attendance a secret. Unfortunately that pretty much meant that he couldn’t ask anyone else for help figuring out what was going on.

                Sugawara and Daichi gave up after a few more tries, accepting that if Asahi really didn’t want to tell them they wouldn’t pry (although that didn’t stop them wondering what on earth had made Asahi interested in Tsukishima). They spent the rest of the break chatting about tests, or making plans for what drills to do in practice this week, discussing everyone’s strengths and weak points. Asahi was very aware of Sugawara’s shameless stare at him when they got to Tsukishima, but the ace just kept eating quietly, waiting for him to inevitably give up with a sigh. While Sugawara may have seemed full of patience and niceties, Asahi knew the setter better – whenever he couldn’t charm someone into spilling whatever gossip or secret it was that he wanted, Sugawara tended to become increasingly blunt in his tactics.

 

                *******

 

                _‘Maybe if you get me some strawberry milk, I’ll let you have some’_ , Tsukishima thought in a satirically whiny voice, _I’m sorry Yamaguchi, I didn’t realise you’d broken your legs. Why exactly am I wandering around the halls with all these noisy idiots just to get you some artificially coloured cow juice?!_ The tall first year stalked through the halls, shoulders slumped and moody aura putting off anyone who might want to make comment on why he was walking around carrying a pink carton of milk with some weird cow-flower hybrid thing on the front.

                Tsukishima swept up the stairs two at a time, completely done with the whole ordeal and ready to get back to the relative quiet of the classroom and continue having a quasi-peaceful lunch with Yamaguchi. And of course, his reward – some of the strawberry shortcake Yamaguchi’s mother sometimes put in his lunchbox because he always asked for it. _Probably just so he can use it to bribe me_ , Tsukishima thought to himself, not sure what was more annoying, that Yamaguchi was trying to bribe him, or that it was apparently so easy to do.

                When he got to the door of his class he saw a few girls crowded around the door, peaking into the room. He stood behind them a moment, waiting for them to part before him as they typically did out of either infatuation or fear. To his irritation, his presence did not seem to have the same impact  it typically did. As he pushed his way through the somewhat miffed girls, he saw the source of their apprehension, large enough to overcome his own. Apparently the whole class was standing back in uneasy caution as Yamaguchi was being confronted by a ‘delinquent thug’.

                “Hello Tsukki,” Yamaguchi waved cheerily as Tsukishima walked over, “Did you get me my milk?” Tsukishima handed the milk over, grumbling about it as he sat down at the desks they’d pushed together, seemingly appeased once Yamaguchi slid a small piece of shortcake in front of him.

                “So, what do you want?” Tsukishima asked Asahi, mouth already full and not even bothering to look at the third year as he addressed him.

                “Tsukki, don’t talk with your mouth full,” Yamaguchi absently nagged him, not paying any attention to the scowl Tsukishima sent him.

                “Well,” Tsukishima continued after dramatically swallowing the whole mouthful before looking at Asahi, “What. Do. You. Want.” The third year was looking guilty as hell and practically shaking in his boots as Tsukishima finally turned to address him directly.

                “U-um, nothing,” he stammered, “I w-was just w-walking past, and came to s-say hi to Y-Yamaguchi,” Asahi quickly squeaked out a ‘hi’ to Yamaguchi before scurrying from the room, trying to avoid any further interrogation by Tsukishima.

                “So, what did he want?” Tsukishima asked Yamaguchi irritably. The rest of the class, relieved that the dangerous looking third year had left, trickled back into the room, settling back down to whatever they’d been doing before his arrival.

                “I don’t know,” Yamaguchi answered innocently, “You came in and scared him off before he got a chance to say anything,” After glaring at the boy a moment and not getting any more information, Tsukishima decided he was probably telling the truth. _What the hell is Asahi doing? What could he possibly want with Yamaguchi?_

                Tsukishima spent the rest of the afternoon annoyed, concerned that Asahi intended to ignore his warning and try and meddle in his business. _Apparently I didn’t scare him enough_ , Tsukishima thought,  _Although I suppose, what does it matter, I’m not going back , and he’s got no proof, or reason even to tell anyone. I’ll just keep an eye on him... just in case._

               

                *******

 

                Asahi had started flinching every time Tsukishima walked past him, terrified of some sort of retribution for talking to Yamaguchi yesterday. He’d realised, Yamaguchi knows everything about Tsukishima, so he’d probably already know that he’d gone to that meeting anyway, so, it wouldn’t count if he asked him, right? _Plus, Yamaguchi would probably already know the reason he went as well_ , Asahi thought to himself, cursing the fact that Tsukishima had showed up before he could ask. Now he was too terrified to try again, not that it was really possible since the two first years were typically joined at the hip. Asahi had waited all day for that chance to talk to Yamaguchi, and it seemed Tsukishima wasn’t going to give him another one anytime soon.

                It was weird though, Asahi had started to think to himself, they really do spend a _lot_ of time together, and from what he’d overheard from some of the others, the same applied to outside of school as well. _I guess they’re really good friends_ , Asahi thought, _But even Suga and Daichi don’t hang out that much, and half the time they invite me or someone else as well_. Sugawara, having had enough of watching Asahi act like Tsukishima was carrying the plague, came over, leaving Daichi to coach the rest of the team through cool down stretches.

                “Asahi, how is everything?” he asked calmly, still causing the ace to jump slightly when he heard his name called.

                “Oh, uh, hi Suga. Everything’s fine, I guess?” he answered, not entirely sure why the vice captain had stopped to talk to him instead of letting him join everyone else.

                “So Tsukishima hasn’t grown a pair or horns only you can see?” Sugawara asked sarcastically, laughing at Asahi’s confused face, “You keep shrinking back every time he walks past you, you look like you need a crucifix or something to wave him back,”

                “Oh, uh, haha, it’s nothing,” Asahi tried to laugh it off, but seeing Sugawara wasn’t letting him go that easy, Asahi figured he may as well say something, “Say though Suga, have you ever thought that, uh, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi seem to, uh... hang out a lot?”

                “Well Asahi, they are friends you know – even Tsukishima has friends,” Sugawara joked after giving Asahi a funny look, “I do know what you mean though,” he clarified when Asahi looked like he was about to try and stutter out an elaboration, “I did wonder at first if they were, you know, _together_ ,”

                Asahi started spluttering immediately, not even having thought of that possibility, looking over at the two now he started blushing uncontrollably, for some reason entirely flustered by the thought of the two first years being... _together_. Sugawara just started laughing at his reaction, amused by the ace’s apparent naivete, causing Asahi to blush even more, this time in embarrassment.

                “I don’t know if they are though,” Sugawara continued after settling down a little bit, “But they’re always going off on their own, and you hardly ever see one without the other, so you never know,”

                With that, Sugawara prompted Asahi that they should go over and join everyone else stretching, Asahi unable to help but side eye the two first years the entire time, attempting to see if he could discover some new sign to support the idea that the two might be romantically involved. Although all that seemed to do was provoke another round of chuckling from Sugawara and a couple of death stares from Tsukishima as he realised he’d gotten so caught up in staring that he hadn’t realised everyone else had stopped stretching already. Embarrassed at being caught, Asahi busied himself in cleaning up, trying not to make eye contact with anyone as they all packed up for the day.


	4. Introductions and Safe Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,
> 
> So I said it would probably be like a week, and it's only been a day. Oh well, what are responsibilities anyway? Here is the next chapter, trigger warning: it's tagged 'anxiety attacks' for a reason (Again, I only know what I've read, so if anything seems wrong, misleading etc., I apologise). Nishinoya is the Guardian Deity of more than just a volleyball team apparently, and Tsukishima is still somewhat of a mystery, ooh! That mystery should start slowly being revealed over the next couple of chapters so, bear with me :)
> 
> Thanks for reading/commenting/kudo-ing(?),
> 
> nightshade

                Everyone milled around the small room quietly. Asahi looked down at the small styrofoam cup of coffee in his hands, he’d wanted water but someone had handed him  the coffee and he didn’t know how to reject the offer, so he just sat there content that at least his hands had something to do. He’d considered drinking it to be polite, but after what happened last time he’d had caffeine he figured he’d better not.

                Takao-san sat at his normal chair, flicking through his papers impatiently, occasionally looking at his watch. They normally started on the hour, but it was already seven minutes past. Asahi had gotten there early, too nervous to wait, was Tsukishima really going to come again? Apparently not, judging by the fact that everyone was starting to get restless and he still wasn’t there. Slumping into his chair slightly, Asahi felt a little relieved. Maybe Tsukishima would never show up again, and he could just forget all about it.

                As if waiting for Asahi to let his guard down, Tsukishima suddenly burst through the door in a huff. When Takao-san looked up at him impatiently, any words about the importance of timeliness died on his lips when Tsukishima sent him a dirty look, practically daring him to say something so Tsukishima had an excuse to start laying into him. Apparently, he was in a bad mood today.

                The tall boy sat down, the chairs either side of him quickly being vacated, most people wouldn’t be eager to deal with an on edge Tsukishima, especially not a room of people with various forms of social anxiety. Takao-san, struggling to get his words back, tried to draw everyone’s attention to officially begin the meeting now that Tsukishima was present.

                Taking a moment to steel himself, Takao-san turns to Tsukishima. The blond apparently intends to spend this session the same as the last, long limbs sprawled out, staring at the floor and willing the hour to be over already. Takao-san clears his throat, trying to get the boy’s attention before finally being forced to remind him what they had decided last week,

                “Tsukishima-kun, I gave you last week as a chance to see what we do here, but I think now you should be ready at least to properly introduce yourself to everyone else,” Takao-san found even his patience wearing thin as Tsukishima apparently decided to pretend he hadn’t heard the man, continuing to stare off into space. “Now, Tsukishima-kun,” Takao-san said more assertively, “I know you seem very reluctant to engage with everyone else, I’m sure that’s something everyone else here can appreciate as well, but it is important you participate if you want to get anything out of this experience. Your mother was also very insistent that you join in as well,”

                Tsukishima finally looked at the man before reluctantly getting up, muttering something under his breath to the effect of, “… stubborn woman…”. He stood up, not even looking at anyone else, he stared straight ahead and gave his introduction,

                “My name is Tsukishima. If I want you to talk to me, I’ll ask. Don’t hold your breath,” he said in a flat tone, before slumping back down in his chair. Takao-san, clearly not yet satisfied with the boy’s level of participation, attempts to ask another question,

                “So, uh, Tsukishima-kun, why did you decide to come to this group?” he asked hesitantly, clearly intimidated by the boy but not willing to back down yet. Tsukishima shot him a look as if to say ‘did you not just hear what I said?’, but apparently decides to answer the question anyway. Asahi tries not to look to eager to finally find out why Tsukishima’s here.

                “I’m here because, apparently, my mother thinks I’m as pathetic as the rest of you and need ‘help’,” Tsukishima replied in a matter-of-fact tone. Asahi couldn’t help but feel a little humiliated by the insult, but couldn’t feel too bad about it – it was Tsukishima, what had he expected. The rest of the group, unfamiliar with Tsukishima’s ways were significantly more miffed, many perhaps even more so because they couldn’t find the courage to defend themselves.

                Not quite ready to let go just yet, Takao-san tries to push the conversation further,

                “And why, exactly, do you think everyone here is ‘pathetic’ Tsukishima-kun?” he asked. Tsukishima looked at the man incredulously, before informing him why they were all ‘pathetic’,

                “Why?!” he scoffed, “You sit around whining about how the girls at school are mean to me, or my boss is scary, no one likes me – why the hell do you even care?”

                “Are you saying you don’t care what people think of you? You don’t mind if they’re mean or inconsiderate to you?” Takao-san asked, glad that he’d managed to get Tsukishima talking.

                “I couldn’t care less what some bunch of idiots think of me,” Tsukishima retorted, “Why would I give them the time of day?” Asahi begins to wonder if maybe that’s why Tsukishima only ever hangs out with Yamaguchi, _Maybe it’s because he knows Yamaguchi’s never going to criticise him for anything_. Tsukishima sat back, finished with his little tirade, while Takao-san appeared to be in thought about something.

                “What about yourself?” he asks suddenly, taking Tsukishima a little unawares, “Sometimes when we worry about what other people think about us, it’s because we’re using their opinions to inform what we think about ourselves. How do you think about yourself, Tsukishima-kun?”

                Tsukishima rolled his eyes, before mocking the man,

                “Are we finally getting some use out of our community college degree?” he said snidely, clearly no longer interested in continuing the conversation. Realising Tsukishima had decided he was done, Takao-san didn’t bother to respond to the remark, instead continuing on with the rest of the session.

 

                *******

 

                It was irritating him. Tap, tap, tap. That stupid ace kept tapping his foot, over and over again, and apparently no one else in the room either noticed or cared. He’d ignored it so far, attempting to just ignore it, as he was ignoring that Ta-whatever kid go into his twentieth minute of ‘what happened at the train station’. He couldn’t tell if it was all one long story, or if the immature kid actually had multiple train stories, frankly he wouldn’t be surprised. But this was too much, finally deciding to do something, Tsukishima shot a look at Asahi, who didn’t even notice at first. When he looked up to listen to Tahiro, he noticed Tsukishima’s icy glare, the pattern he was tapping faltering before halting abruptly.

                Satisfied, Tsukishima returned to staring into space until not twenty seconds later the idiot started tapping out the same pattern on his thigh with his first two fingers. Looking up at the ace, he noticed that he did seem particularly nervous, even for him. As the train kid _finally_ sat down and the older woman stood up to talk, he realised Asahi was the next person going around the circle. _Only he would be nervous about something so droll as talking in front of this bunch_ , he thought to himself, _All they do is whine about their sob stories and listen to everyone else agree that they have such a hard life, it’s not like they’re in any position to judge whether or not you missed a spike or whatever_. When the woman sat down, only having given a brief spiel (thankfully), Takao-san looked expectantly at Asahi, who already had a nervous sweat on his brow.

                “Are you feeling okay Azumane-kun?” Takao-san asked, “Do you need a moment?”

                “Uh, n-no, I’m fine,” Asahi answered in a shaky voice, not really convincing anyone. It was then Tsukishima noticed the ace’s nervous glance flickering in his direction and he realised – he was the one Asahi was afraid of talking in front of. He almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of that, but in the desire to move things along so he could go home already, he decided to try and lay Asahi’s fears to rest.

                “Say whatever you want Asahi, I don’t care – I’m not listening anyway,” he sighed, already getting close to the end of his patience with the whole thing.

                “Do you know Tsukishima-kun, Azumane-kun?” Takao-san asked curiously, noting Tsukishima’s casual use of the older boy’s first name.

                “No.”   “Y-yes,” they both said at the same time. Tsukishima looked pointedly at the ace,

                “U-uh, I mean n-no,” Asahi tried to correct himself, but Takao-san, seeing another opportunity to get Tsukishima to open up decides to pursue the obvious lie.

                “Now Azumane-kun, I think we both know no one believes that,” he tried to persuade the ace, “Why does Tsukishima-kun make you feel so uncomfortable, is it something to do with how you know him outside of the group?”

                Asahi, clearly agitated, can feel Tsukishima’s gaze burning into him as Takao-san waits for him to respond to the question.

                “U-uh, no, I told you, uh, I don’t want to talk about it,” the ace said in a panicked voice, feeling trapped between Tsukishima’s intent eyes warning him not to say anything, and Takao-san’s calm persuasiveness niggling at him that he should just say. When neither appeared willing to back down, Asahi’s breaths started getting shorter and the sweat on his face started to shine more, feeling freezing across his whole body in the cool room.

                “I-I can’t, uh, I don’t, um, um, please, um, uh... LIBERO!” he suddenly yelled through his ramblings, shoulders shaking as Takao-san stood up and moved over to him, kneeling next to him and calmly telling him to calm down and instructing him through breathing exercises. Everyone else in the room gave the two some space, a few of them looking a little agitated themselves and trying to calm themselves down. Tsukishima just looked at the ace with widened eyes as his body was wracked with the occasional sob as the boy tried to regulate his breathing and listen to what Takao-san was telling him.

                After a few minutes, the ace appeared to have calmed down a little, although he still looked a little jittery. Takao-san deemed him calm enough that he could address the rest of the people,

                “Well seeing as there is only a few minutes left anyway, I guess it would be a good point to bring today’s session to a close. I think maybe we’ll try Azumane-kun again next time if he’s feeling up to it, otherwise I think Midori-chan is next?” The others slowly filed out of the room, an odd air still hanging around after Asahi’s episode of whatever _that_ was. _I mean really, why would you get so worked up over something so stupid?_ Tsukishima thought to himself. Takao-san, after being assured by Asahi that he was fine now, packed up his things and left, leaving the two alone in the room. Asahi, despite his assurances, still seemed a little wobbly, and Tsukishima’s mother wouldn’t be by to pick him up for another ten minutes or so.

                “You should have just told him,” Tsukishima said suddenly, breaking the still silence that had permeated the room after everyone else's departure, “Or just... not have told him. Why’d you have to go and make such a big deal out of it? And what the hell was with ‘LIBERO!’ ?”

                Asahi fidgeted awkwardly, over the worst of it, but still a little uncomfortable,

                “Uh... it’s my, uh, safe word,” he explained sheepishly, elaborating when Tsukishima continued to look at him with a blank face, “Takao-san made us all come up with safe words, so whenever we need things to stop or whatever, we just have to say that word... and...”

                Asahi started blushing in embarrassment as Tsukishima’s giggles grew louder,

                “Your safe word is ‘libero’?!” he cackled, “Does Nishinoya know? Oh my god, can I tell him?!” his laughter doubled as he began thinking of all the potential reactions the second year might hive if he knew.

                “N-no, don’t tell him! It’s embarrassing!” Asahi pleaded with the first year, who at this point seemed someone lost in hysterics. Strangely enough, the ace found himself laughing too, soon joining the taller boy’s hysterical giggling. He didn’t know why, but after all the stress he’d had build up over the afternoon, he suddenly felt this great relief sitting there laughing with Tsukishima about how stupid the whole thing was.

                After a few moments, their laughter starting to die down, Tsukishima felt his phone buzz in his pocket, pulling it out to see a text message from his mother telling him she was waiting to pick him up in the parking lot.

                “I have to go now,” Tsukishima announced, getting up and moving to leave before stopping at the door. He turned back to Asahi reluctantly, forcing himself to ask, “Are you, you know, okay?”

                “Uh, yes, really,” Asahi assured him, a little surprised that Tsukishima had even asked, “I feel much better now. Uh, see you at practice, I guess,”

                Tsukishima just shrugged and walked out the door leaving Asahi to make his way home. When he got to the car his mother gave him a weird look,

                “So, you stayed behind for a bit, did you have fun?” she asked, Tsukishima crossing his arms and huffing at the insinuation that he’d somehow enjoyed the experience.

                “We were kept late,” he lied in a sharp voice, continuing when his mother looked unconvinced, “One of the weirdos freaked out, so the guy had to calm him down before we could leave,”

                “Oh, well I hope their alright,” she said in a concerned voice, “And don’t call them weirdos honey, would you like it if people called you that?”

                “Stop lumping me together with them, I’m nothing like them,” Tsukishima insisted, feeling that the same old argument was about to happen again and not really feeling in the mood to deal with it.

                “You can’t just ignore your problems Kei. You’re there because we’re all worried about you – you refuse to go to professional help. You need to accept that its’s okay to need help-“

                “I’m not in the mood for this right now,” Tsukishima interrupted tersely, pulling his head phones on and effectively ending the conversation to his mother’s exasperation. _At least he’s stopped insisting on not going_ , she thought with a sigh, happy with any kind of progress at this point.


	5. Suga Was Right?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> This chapter's a little short (no Tsukishima POV this time either D: ) but some stuff does actually happen. The next chapter should be up in another day or two, and should be a bit more substantial. Sorry about the long wait, the past week was a bit of a drag, but here is some Haikyuu rare pair goodness to make it all better :D
> 
> Thanks for reading,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi was walking on egg shells all morning, worried about how Tsukishima would act. The only other people on the team who knew about his anxiety (as in his anxiety disorder, they all knew by now he was easily flustered but seemed to take it as that) were Daichi and Sugawara, and if their responses were anything to go by, Asahi was preparing for a potential ordeal.

                Daichi largely seemed to ignore the problem, often going to great lengths to avoid speaking about it due to how uncomfortable it made him. Asahi knew it wasn’t because the captain thought less of him because of his anxiety, it was more that Daichi didn’t really understand it, didn’t know how to deal with it when an inspiring speech or a reassuring pat on the back wasn’t enough to make him feel better.

                Sugawara on the other hand would often treat him like he was made of glass, _Although_ , Asahi thought to himself, _I guess sometimes it’s not far off_. But Sugawara, despite typically being quite a calm and collected person, seemed to be more concerned about his anxiety than he was himself. The first time he’d had an attack in front of them, Asahi had to end up calming Sugawara down after he got so worked up trying to help Asahi. Because of that, he tried not to talk about his anxiety too much to the two other third years, not because they didn’t care but rather because he felt like he would only be an undue burden. He’d rather learn to deal with his anxiety himself, so he wouldn’t have to rely on his friends to take care of him all the time, or treat him as if he were so fragile he could fall apart at a moment’s notice.

                Thinking about it however, Asahi couldn’t really see Tsukishima acting like either of his two friends. If anything, he figured Tsukishima would probably just treat it as another piece of ammunition to use in his snide remarks he so loved to fling around. That perhaps scared him even more. It wasn’t so much that he feared the comments themselves, Tsukishima already had a litany of demeaning things to say at any given time, it was more that then the others would find out. Maybe Tsukishima wouldn’t, but the rest of the team would treat him differently for sure. Hinata might no longer be so willing to compete for his spot as ace. Nishinoya might no longer be so quick to tease him, or joke around with him. That was his biggest concern, that everyone, when they found out, would treat him differently, that the group of friends he’d made, his team, would start holding him at arms length because he was different, fragile, broken.

                Asahi spent the entire morning on edge as Tsukishima went about as usual, seemingly oblivious to the ace’s internal flurry of emotions. Every time the tall first year would sneer and dole out one of his trademark insults or jeers, he would freeze for a moment, waiting for everything to crash around, only to be brought back by Yamaguchi’s stifled chuckles, and the occasional warning for Tsukishima to knock it off.

                That afternoon went the same. And the morning after. By the afternoon Asahi had begun to relax a little, _Maybe he won’t say anything?_ Asahi hoped to himself, _Maybe he forgot? Or doesn’t care? Maybe he already has worse things he could say..._ While he wallowed a little in his self-deprecating thoughts, he did slowly allow himself to believe that Tsukishima, for whatever reason, wasn’t going to say a thing. No one was going to find out, and no one was going to start treating him differently.

 

                *******

 

                Something was off today. Asahi couldn’t quite put his finger on it at first. He’d slowly come to accept that Tsukishima wasn’t going to tell everyone about his anxiety (he’d realised that if had ever been going to do that, it probably would’ve been after the first time he’d come to the weekly meetings), and so had stopped paying such keen attention to Tsukishima’s sporadic commentary. He realised that was it, there hadn’t been any such commentary for a while, in fact he couldn’t recall seeing or hearing Tsukishima for maybe twenty minutes.

                Looking around the gym, the ace couldn’t see the tall blond, nor could he find his ever-present companion Yamaguchi either. _He was definitely here at the start of practice_ , he thought to himself as he walked over to where Sugawara was helping Kageyama with some setting techniques, _I remember Daichi almost had to pull Kageyama off him after they got into some kind of fight_. The image of Tsukishima’s smug grin as the captain gave a stern talking to Kageyama about fighting flashed into Asahi’s mind, shuddering slightly at the unnerving aura that Tsukishima seemed to exude.

                “Suga, have you seen Tsukishima around?” the ace asked. Sugawara turned to answer Asahi, Kageyama scowling magnificently as he remembered whatever spiteful words Tsukishima had used earlier to spur him into a fight.

                “Oh, uh, I could have sworn I saw him with Yamaguchi a while ago,” Sugawara replied, looking around the gym in a futile attempt to find the two missing first years, “Maybe I should go look for them-“

                “Ah, no, don’t worry about it,” Asahi reassured him, “I’ll go find them myself,”

                “Well, okay then,” answered the slightly confused setter, turning back to continue his practice with Kageyama.

                Asahi wandered out of the gym, already having looked around inside and not finding them anywhere. Not sure where else to look, he figured he’d check the club room as that was the only other place he could think of. He checked the room quickly to find no one there, but everyones stuff was still where it had been before, so the two were still at school somewhere. Trudging back to the gym defeated, Asahi figured they were around somewhere, they’d probably just gone to the toilet or something. Maybe they would already be back by the time he returned.

                He stopped when he heard a faint voice coming from somewhere off the path connecting the two buildings. There were a few benches there where some people sat to eat lunch, but nothing much else. As he approached cautiously, the voice became recognisable as Yamaguchi’s, although the words themselves were still too muted to make out. He quickly moved behind a nearby tree as they suddenly came into view, not wanting to be seen, although he wasn’t quite sure if the small tree was really enough to hide him completely it was the only thing around.

                He inhaled sharply, pressing himself against the trunk of the tree, not wanting to be noticed. When he’d peered around the corner to see what the two were doing so far from the gym he only managed to catch a glimpse before Yamaguchi had stood up and looked in his general direction, forcing him to hide. But he’d definitely seen them, they had both been sitting on one of the benches, and Yamaguchi had definitely been holding Tsukishima’s hand. At first he’d thought it was just a trick of the light or something, but when the shorter boy had stood up, he’d definitely still been holding the other boy’s hand.

                Thoughts of his brief conversation with Sugawara the week before flew into his mind, _‘I did wonder at first if they were, you know,_ together _’_. As the setter’s words came back to him, he couldn’t help but think that maybe his suspicions, while a little unbelievable at the time, might’ve actually been true. Were Tsukishima and Yamaguchi actually _dating_?! _I mean, it kind of makes sense_ , Asahi thought to himself as he hid behind the tree, _They do always spend time together, and they’re always off on their own... Wait, is this what they do?! They sneak of and, I don’t know, hold hands and stuff?!_

                Asahi, caught up in his internal series of revelations didn’t notice when the two walked past his hiding spot behind the tree. He panicked suddenly when he noticed Yamaguchi waving at him with a pleasant smile on his face as the two walked past, hands no longer connected the ace noted. Tsukishima barely seemed to give him a glance before continuing onward, back towards the gym, Yamaguchi quick to stay in step with his longer strides.

                Terrified and embarrassed for being caught in such a suspicious act, Asahi was hesitant to return to the gym. By the time he finally gathered the courage, the others had already started packing up, Sugawara asking him what had taken him so long, and that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had come back ages ago. Asahi just smiled sheepishly and hurried to help pack things up, trying to avoid Tsukishima and Yamaguchi as much as possible.


	6. A Bad Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey,
> 
> So you may have noticed, this is different now. I was really unhappy with how the original version of this chapter had panned out, so I just rewrote it. (Sorry about any confusion or what have you this may cause) Hopefully this is better than before, I still don't know if it's great, but I'm definitely happier with it then I was before.
> 
> Thanks for reading (again),
> 
> nightshade

                The pile of blankets moved suddenly, a muffled groan coming from underneath. An arm extended from beneath the many layers, lifting them slightly to get a view of the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table. Bleary eyes shot open as the blankets were thrown off the bed, Asahi scrambling about in a panic as he realised his alarm hadn’t gone off. He struggled to pull off his shirt, in a rush to get changed his still half-asleep body failed him and he tripped on the mess of blankets on the ground, stumbling and stubbing his toe on the foot of the bed before reeling back and collapsing with a resounding thud to the floor. A small whine escaped the ace’s lips before he attempted to get up again, already wishing he could just go back to bed.

                Sugawara was the only one who looked over to the gym doors when they were flung open, a flustered looking Asahi standing in the entrance, clothes all askew and hair only half pulled into a bun, the rest a frazzled halo around the bewildered boy’s head.

                “I’m sorry I’m late, sorry,” Asahi rambled as he rushed in, almost twenty minutes late for practice despite having left almost immediately after waking up. Sugawara just told him not to worry about it, the others were just doing some laps and would probably be back in a minute. He spent the brief time he had trying to fix his hair, eventually giving up and letting the insistent vice-captain just do it for him.

                The rest of the team waled in as Sugawara cheerfully stood behind the sitting Asahi, scooping his long hair up and artfully tying it into a bun, while the ace sat there in his shame as the team gawked at the amusing sight. _Oh my god, I’m so embarrassed_ , Asahi thought to himself, _I’m so useless I can’t even tie my own hair up anymore_. What was left of the morning practice did not go much better, with Asahi only hitting every other toss, eventually sitting out to save himself any further humiliation as his body refused to cooperate.

                He’d been hoping to maybe catch a break once he went to class. The one good thing about not being in one of the college-prep classes was the work was relatively easier. Apparently not easy enough however as Asahi looked over the Japanese history handout, each question stressing him more and more as his page seemed to remain blank while everyone else seemed to have no trouble at all. When the teacher called on him to answer his question, at first Asahi, so caught up in his own agitation, didn’t respond, only realising when the teacher was standing in front of his desk asking why his page was still blank. After being forced to plead ignorance, Asahi spent the rest of the class slumped over his paper, wishing the class would end and he wouldn’t have to put up with all the looks and snickering coming from behind him.

                Thankfully the snickering and jibes were left in the classroom when Asahi left to go find Sugawara and Daichi for lunch. Unfortunately in his rush this morning, he’d been able to make any lunch, or breakfast for that matter, and so was left with what snacks he could by at the vending machine with the couple hundred yen he found at the bottom of his bag. He sat with Sugawara and Daichi, munching slowly on his candy bar, the two other third years looking at the ace every now and again before back to each other in a concerned fashion. Sugawara had offered Asahi some of his bento, but Asahi and hurriedly declined, not wanting to trouble his friends.

                The two try and engage the ace in their conversation with little luck. Asahi only manages to stay focused on the conversation for a few minutes at best before he’s retreated back to head, startled and embarrassed every time one of them asks a question or for his opinion and he has to apologise and ask them to repeat themselves.

                By the time afternoon practice comes around, Asahi is on edge, possibly more so than before. The whole day has just been terrible from the start, he hasn’t been able to act like a normal person in front of anyone. _Even Suga and Daichi kept looking at me weird_ , Asahi lamented, _Daichi’s gonna start acting all awkward... Suga’s just going to treat my like some kind of stupid baby or something – I hate it! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!_ Even though he knew it was just his anxiety flaring up, he couldn’t help but look at everyone every time they walked past or spoke to him, searching for some kind of sign that they were laughing at him, or creeped out, or something.

                His game sense was about as good as it had been that morning, missing balls left, right and centre. He could tell Daichi wanted to pull him off, but Sugawara kept stopping him, whispering something to him every time it looked like Daichi was about to call him over. He hated it, hated that they were pitying him, that they felt they needed to, that they were probably right to. Kageyama set the ball, tossing in the ace’s direction. Asahi jumped for it, channelling his frustrations into the powerful spike but losing control of it at the last minute. As he landed he heard a second loud thud following the noise of his own feet hitting the ground. Hoping for a moment that maybe he hadn’t screwed up, that maybe he’d scored his first point all day, he looked up to see the team scrambling to where his misfired spike had gone.

                Shoes screeched against the polished wooden floors, the only sound at first before shouts suddenly burst to life, yelling incoherently, or perhaps drowned out by the sound of blood ringing through his ears. His face, lit by the faintest spark of hope fell as he saw Yamaguchi lying on the floor, the ball rolling away from him as a small trickle of blood started to slide down from the corner of his mouth. His breaths started coming more quickly, feeling like he needed to gulp in more and more air as he started suffocating in the middle of the chaotic gym, the sound of blood ringing through his ears increasing in pitch until it started to drown out everything else. He brought his shaking hand up towards his face, looking back and forth from the hand he’d used to spike the ball, focusing all of his pent up resentment behind it, and the limp first year lying on the gym floor as everyone gathered around, watching as he didn’t get back up.

 

                *******

 

                It had all happened so fast. He wasn’t even really sure what had happened – one moment he’d been preparing to jump, expecting to block a spike from Hinata, the next a blur had flashed past his periphery, his head trying to follow it, but failing to keep up. As he landed, turning as he did so, he saw Yamaguchi hit the floor, the ball already rolling away. He didn’t even yell or cry or anything, he was just lying there. At first he expected the boy to smile weakly, pull himself back up and try to convice evveryone he was fine, that he could keep playing. When he didn’t, when he had just stayed there still, a small glint of red appearing in the corner of his mouth, he froze.

                He could see everyone else rush forward immediately, hear them yelling in disarray, but for someone reason it couldn’t process. He could see Yamaguchi lying there, hear everyone yelling for help, but for some reason he couldn’t recognise what was going on. When it finally hit him, he felt like he was the one who’d taken a spike to the gut, almost bending over as the wave of nausea rushed over him. Steeling himself, he straightened up, externally barely having reacted to the gut-wrenching fear that was flooding his head.

                Slowly at first, he started making his way over to the boy, others parting before him, as if by magic, as he approached where Takeda-sensei was kneeling next to Yamaguchi, trying to get a response from him. When he finally moaned softly, hand twitching a little, Tsukishima let out a breath he hadn’t realised he’d been holding. Groggy, and unable to get up, Takeda-sensei picked the freckled first-year up, carrying him bridal style with surprisingly little effort. The others followed at an arms length as Takeda-sensei started making his way to the nurse’s office.

                Looking around, Tsukishima noticed Asahi, the only one who hadn’t rushed over yet, still standing where he’d landed, hands shaking in front of him. Their eyes met for a moment, before the ace clenched them shut again, but Tsukishima had recognised the panic that he’d seen earlier, suddenly torn between following Yamaguchi, or Asahi who no one else seemed to have noticed yet. Managing to silently catch Sugawara’s attention, he gestured towards the ace, the vice-captain’s eyes widening in shock before rushing over to his friend. He looked like he was trying to calm him down, but who knows. Tsukishima figured Sugawara probably knew what he was doing, leaving to catch up to Yamaguchi.


	7. How To Relieve Pent Up Stress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Here is the new chapter - back to the group session :)  
> Also I promise we will find out what Tsukishima's deal is, probably in the next, next chapter I would estimate.  
> Thanks for all the support and stuffs, I know rarepair stuff isn't always that popular, but I really love the new kinds of dynamics you can discover in characters when you pair them up in ways you wouldn't normally think of.
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi slunk into the library, still feeling terrible about what had happened at practice. He couldn’t really remember what had happened, Sugawara had told him afterwards that Takeda-sensei had taken Yamaguchi to the nurse’s office, and he was eventually sent to the hospital. He hadn’t heard any news since, and judging by the lack of news from either Sugawara or Daichi, they didn’t know anything either.

                _Unless he’s really hurt, and they don’t want to tell me_ , Asahi had started to worry, _Oh my god, maybe I really hurt him and they won’t tell me about it because they’re worried I’ll have another attack... OH MY GOD! WHAT IF HE’S DEAD?!_

                After having sat at home all day with such thoughts swirling around his head, and both Sugawara and Daichi starting to get a little sick of Asahi’s panicked texts every twenty minutes, it was suggested that maybe he go for a walk to calm down. And so, he’d figured, he may as well go to the library a bit earlier than normal. He found that the walking did help a little, and although the bus was a little unnerving when some stranger sat next to him, at least he wasn’t worrying about having killed his team mate. Having arrived at the library much earlier than normal, he figured no one would be here yet and planned to try and keep himself occupied with a book before the session began. He was hoping maybe Takao-san, or some one else perhaps, might have some other ideas on how to try and keep calm about the whole thing.

                He was wondering through the tall shelves of books, realising that he’d never actually looked at any of the books in the library before, when he turned into a new row of shelves only to yelp in shock.

                “Don’t you know you’re supposed to be quiet in libraries?” Tsukishima asked in a flat tone, not looking up from the book he was reading. Asahi floundered at the unexpected sight of the first year who was normally the last to arrive. _Surely Tsukishima would know how Yamaguchi is_ , Asahi thought, but was unsure if he could just bring it up, so tried to ease into it by attempting conversation first. He knew it wasn’t exactly his strong suit, but figured it didn’t seem like a strength for Tsukishima either considering that Yamaguchi was the only person he spoke to.

                “So, what are you reading?” Asahi asked lamely, stepping closer to look at the book over Tsukishima’s shoulder, “Dinosaurs? Wow, those pictures look pretty life-like!”

                “No they don’t,” Tsukishima corrected him in a slightly condescending tone, apparently willing to converse with the ace. When Asahi looked at Tsukishima questioningly, he sighed and continued, “They don’t have any feathers – none of them! The book must be outdated... or just wrong,”

                “Feathers?” Asahi asked with confusion, “But I thought only birds had feathers...” he trailed off, realising Tsukishima was probably smarter than him, so he was probably just coming off as stupid to the first year.

                “Birds are the living descendants of dinosaurs,” Tsukishima stated, closing the book and carefully placing it back on the shelf before pulling down another one, flicking through it absently.

                “Eh?!” Asahi exclaimed, “... Is that why birds are so scary?”

                “Pfft,” Tsukishima snorted, amused by the irony, “You do realise your team mascot is a bird, don’t you?”

                “I wonder if that’s why they chose it? It’s kinda like our mascots a dinosaur then, I guess?” Asahi mumbled, half to himself. He noticed Tsukishima was no longer flicking though the book, his eyes unfocused as he appeared to suddenly be in deep thought, “Ah, Tsukishima?”

                “I’d never thought of that...” he murmured under his breath, going back to reading the book in front of him.

                “So, why are you here so early?” Asahi tried, figuring that he’d exhausted the dinosaur route of conversation, “Normally you’re here at the last minute!” he chuckled nervously.

              “I came straight from the hospital,” he answered absently, “Seemed stupid to go home, only to come straight back,”

                “Th-the hospital?” Asahi stammered, “A-are you okay? Are you sick or-“

                “I was visiting Yamaguchi, moron,” Tsukishima cut him off, no longer reading the book, but making a point not to look at Asahi either.

                “O-oh, so he’s still in hospital?” Asahi asked apprehensively, _Oh no, oh no, I really_ really _hurt him! Maybe Daichi and Suga were lying to me?!_

                “Mhmm,” Tsukishima hummed, “He just had the surgery yesterday,”

                “SURGERY?!” Asahi shrieked, only to hear a few fierce shushes coming from the nearby patrons, “... He had _surgery_?” he squeaked very quietly.

                “Yes,” Tsukishima stated before hesitating, clearly not wanting to continue but doing so anyway, “Yamaguchi... Yamaguchi says... thank you, he says thank you okay,” Asahi looked even more confused and distressed, Tsukishima sighing again before explaining. “Takeda-sensei kept going on about internal bleeding or something so they gave him some scan or whatever. He was fine, from the ball at least, but they noticed his appendix was blocked. Apparently, if they hadn’t caught it early, it might have burst and... it could have been really bad, so they had to take it out. And now the idiot thinks you saved his life or something and actually wants to thank you for hitting him with that stupid ball!”

                Asahi stood dumbfounded as Tsukishima relayed the story, evidently irritated by the whole thing, but he couldn’t entirely tell why. _Is it because Yamaguchi’s thanking me?_ he wondered, _I mean, I guess I didn’t really do anything to be thanked for, so maybe that’s it but..._

                “Anyway, shouldn’t we be going?” Tsukishima huffed. Asahi noticed that it was already almost time to start, so hurried over to the normal room before the session began, Tsukishima trailing behind at his own reluctant pace. By the time he’d finally gotten there, Asahi and everyone else was already seated and ready to begin.

                “Now,” Takao-san started after welcoming everyone for coming and all the other normal stuff, “I believe we were going to hear from Azumane-kun last time before, well, do you think you’re up to talking today Azumane-kun?”

                “Uh, yes, I think so,” Asahi answered anxiously, standing up from his seat in the circle of chairs.

                “So, do you want to talk about what happened last time? Or is there anything else you’d like to talk about instead?” Takao-san prompted.

                “Um, I guess kind of both?” Asahi started with uncertainty, glancing at where Tsukishima was seated in his normal zoned out manner. Apparently not as out of it as you might think though as he seemed to feel Asahi’s look quickly enough,

                “I already told you, do what you want, I don’t care,” Tsukishima reiterated, before adding, “Just leave me out of it,” Satisfied, and thankful that for all Takao-san’s curious looks he hadn’t said a word, Asahi continued,

                “I guess, uh, I’m really just worried about my attacks. It’s not just the one last session, I had another one this week and... and someone got hurt, just because I couldn’t really control it, and... I don’t know, I just feel like sometimes stuff just keeps building up and I know it’s not real half the time, it’s just my mind playing tricks, but I just reach a point where I just... freak out. I’m just worried that that’s the only way to get rid of it all...”

                “Azumane-kun,” Takao-san started as Asahi stood there, uncomfortable being the focus of attention after having just blurted out some of his personal fears, even though everyone, including himself, had all done it. _Well, except Tsukishima_ , he thought. “There are a few things there I think we can talk about, but the first question I have is about the more recent attack. You said you hurt someone, are you saying you became violent-?”

                “N-no!” Asahi interjected, “I, I just lost control, I think. I don’t really know what happened...”

                “It was just an accident,” Tsukishima announced before Takao-san could speak, “I’m pretty sure you didn’t even have the attack until after you’d already done it,”

                “R-really?” Asahi asked, struggling to remember what happened.

                “Well, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Hinata’s crappy receiving that set you off,” Tsukishima said sarcastically, “Although I wouldn’t be surprised...”

                “Tsukishima-kun, perhaps you’d be able to contribute more to the discussion. You clearly seem to know Azumane-kun and were around at the time-“ Takao-san started, hoping to finally engage Tsukishima in meaningful conversation.

                “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tsukishima interrupted, “I’ve never met this guy before in my life,”

                “Really, you seem awfully informed about someone you don’t know,” Takao-san responded, sick of Tsukishima’s lack of cooperation.

                “Lucky guess,” Tsukishima replied, flashing a cheeky sneer before returning to his typical unresponsive position, despite Takao-san’s further attempts to converse with him. Eventually giving up with a sigh, Takao-san returned to Asahi,

                “Well, I’m sure many of us here have experienced things similar to Azumane-kun. A feeling of anxiety and stress building up over time. Does anyone here have any ideas for strategies Azumane-kun might be able to use to relieve some of that pent up anxiety in a healthier way? Any techniques you may have used yourself and how well you found them to work?” The question produced a snicker from Tsukishima, but a few others raised their hands, offering things that either they’d tried themselves or that they’d learnt of from their various experiences with anxiety.

                By the time they’d given Asahi a few ideas he felt he could try to use the next time he felt like things were becoming too much, he’d become a bit more confident that he’d be able to manage his anxiety better in the future. _You always think that_ , a voice niggled in the back of his head, _You’re still here though..._ Trying to ignore the voice, and remain somewhat optimistic, Asahi sat down.

                “I think one important thing though Azumane-kun,” Takao-san suggested before moving on to the next person, “Is to let those around you know when you’re feeling like this. That way they can either give you some space, or help you deal with the problem, rather than letting them unintentionally contribute to your anxieties,” Asahi just nodded, not really taking the advice too seriously. If anything he feared the opposite would occur, having Daichi and Sugawara find out had been inevitable, but if anything it had made his anxiety worse not better.

                The rest of the session seemed to fly past to Asahi, while Tsukishima continued to remain impervious to the people around him as usual. Asahi was actually a little impressed, _I kind of wish I could just turn off, or whatever_. It was almost eerie when Tsukishima suddenly started moving again once the session was over, as expected the last to arrive, the first to leave, but this time not without giving Asahi a quick glance before leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. I got a tumblr now (http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/)  
> I don't really know how to use it, but everyone else seems to have one, so I figured I've give it a shot. (Pls forgive any noob-ness)


	8. Yamaguchi's Absence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Somewhat of a long chapter today (I'm sure you'll all hate that ;D ) It was going to be two chapters but I figured, hey, what the hell, let's just make it one big chapter :D  
> I was also wondering if any of you would read shorter fics (ficlets, I think some people call them), like only one/two chapters, or would you rather I just focus on the longer, more in-depth ones. I mean I would probably just post them every now and again in addition to my bigger ones, rather than instead of, so it probably won't interfere with them, I was just wondering if any of you guys would be interested in/bothered to read them.
> 
> Thanks for the support as always <3
> 
> nightshade

                Headphones firmly placed on his head, Tsukishima paced into the gym Monday morning, anticipating the onslaught but still hoping that maybe it wouldn’t happen, or perhaps his aura would just naturally cow them all into leaving him alone like it usually did. Unfortunately, Sugawara always did seem oblivious, or rather unaffected, by his intimidation techniques, even when he was trying. So it only took a few seconds before the silver haired setter was on him, asking how Yamaguchi was? Was he coming in today? What happened after he went to hospital?

                Tsukishima pinched his nose, knowing the third year would continue to pester him until he got answers, but not really wanting to stand there and have a big heart-to-heart with the vice-captain, or anyone else for that matter.

                “He’s fine,” he sighed, not even bothering to remove his headphones in the hopes Sugawara would get the message and leave him alone.

                “But is he coming in today?! When will he be back?!” Sugawara started shouting, probably attempting to be heard over non-existent music. To be perfectly honest, he didn’t particularly like music. All that pop nonsense was to shallow and... ‘sparkly’, for his tastes, and he couldn’t help but think there was a special place in hell for those douchey music hipsters who listened to bands ‘you probably haven’t heard of’. _If they were that great, why hasn’t anyone heard of them?_ he would think derisively whenever he heard kids in his class talking about it. Plus, Yamaguchi seemed to find it humorous when people would yell at him because they thought he just couldn’t hear them over his music.

                He couldn’t find the humour in it today however. Conceding to pulling his headphones off at least, to get Sugawara to stop shouting so goddamn loud, _How loud does he think I play music anyway?_ , he gave the third year a dead-eyed expression while responding,

                “He’s not here. He won’t be until next week.” With that, he started walking over to those who were already here doing stretches in the hopes he could join them in peace. Apparently peace was not in the cards today, as Sugawara followed him over, still questioning him incessantly, and on top of that Hinata and Tanaka started questioning hims as well, stopping stretching to talk to him. Growing frustrated, he pulled his headphones back on in the hope it would get rid of them, _Normally Yamaguchi would have distracted them or something by now. Why won’t they just get lost already?_ Noticing Tsukishima’s growing frustrations, Asahi stopped stretching and spoke,

               “Uh, I know what happened to Yamaguchi,” he said weakly, “At least, a little bit...” Despite the softness of his voice, everyone seemed to hear him, directing all their attention his way and letting Tsukishima breathe a sigh of relief before continuing stretching.

                “Well, what do you know?” Sugawara asked anxiously, “Is he okay? Why isn’t he here?”

                “Yeah!” Hinata added, “You have to tell us – _Stingyshima’s_ being RUDE and won’t tell us anything!”

                “Uh, he had to, um, get his appendix taken out... so he has to rest, or something,” Asahi explained, a little overwhelmed by the sudden amount of attention and energy pointed in his direction.

                “Oh my god Asahi-san! You broke his appendage?!” Hinata exclaimed, before declaring excitedly, “I wish I could spike a ball that hard! No one could block me then!”

                “Appendix, Hinata, not appendage,” Sugawara corrected the over-excited first year whow as currently being berated by Kageyama for saying something so stupid, “But will he be okay? I’m sure he doesn’t blame you Asahi, it was an accide-,”

                “No, no,” Asahi was quick to correct, “I didn’t do it, it was already like that! I just gave him a few bruises, I think...”

                “Oh, well I suppose that’s some good news then,” Sugawara smiled, “How is Yamaguchi then, when did you see him?”

                “Uh, I didn’t see him or anything,” Asahi started, realising his mistake only after he’d started speaking, “I, uh, just heard it, from... uh... someone,” he explained lamely.

                “Someone?” Sugawara asked, highly suspicious, “Who is this _someone_?”

                “Ah, I th-think Daichi is calling for me!” Asahi spluttered, dashing away from the overly curious setter over to a confused Daichi who had not, in fact, called for him at all. A fact which was blatantly obvious to everyone, although most just put it down to Asahi being Asahi. Tsukishima watched the whole exchange out of the corner of his eye while he stretched a little way removed from the main group. _At least they’ve stopped asking questions_ , he thought, _Even if that idiot nearly did give himself away in the process_.

 

                *******

 

                At first Asahi couldn’t quiet put his finger on it, but something seemed... _off_ about Tsukishima. Ever since that Monday morning there were just lots of little things, starting with him having to practically rescue him from being bombarded with questions. But other things too – Tanaka and Nishinoya constantly seemed to pestering him, no matter how irritated he got; he kept getting into rows with Kageyama, an especially bad one too after Hinata managed to grab Tsukishima’s glasses and Kageyama started parading around with them on. All three of them got a scolding from Daichi after that.

                His feelings started to get worse when he happened to be going past the first year classrooms during lunch, seeing Tsukishima sitting by himself in the corner, headphones on and practically pressed into his skull as he hunched over the desk while a group of boys were talking loudly at a group of dragged together desks nearby. Asahi found himself wandering past the first year classrooms whenever he could find the chance, keeping an eye out for Tsukishima, who seemed to be getting more and more irritable as the days went by.

                It was after one of these walk-bys that Asahi brought it up to Sugawara and Daichi. Having just come back from the bathroom (the one which just so happened to require walking past Tsukishima’s class), Asahi sat down at the three desks pulled together, Sugawara and Daichi already chatting about something.

                “Hey,” Asahi interjected weakly, the other two trailing off to see what it was the ace wanted to say, “Um, have you noticed anything weird about Tsukishima lately?” The other two boys looked at each other quizzically. “It’s just, um, I don’t know, he seems more... mean, lately. And he’s always either alone or just being pestered by people... Uh! It was just something I noticed!”

                “Well,” Sugawara started to reply, smiling slightly at the awkward ace, “I suppose he’s just used to Yamaguchi deflecting people for him. I noticed after that whole glasses incident, but doesn’t Yamaguchi normally act as sort of, I don’t know, an ambassador of sorts for Tsukishima. He always acts as a kind of mediator between him and the rest of the world,”

                “Hmm,” Daichi nodded in agreement before adding, “And I guess he doesn’t really have many other friends so, without Yamaguchi, he’s kind of lost,”

                “Why the concern Asahi?” Sugawara asked teasingly, “I mean, it’s good that you’re looking out for your kouhai and teammates but, you seem to have taken a specific interest...”

                “Eh?! No, I just... noticed is all...” Asahi tried to explain, “I just, I don’t know, I kind of want to help him. That’s not that weird is it?!”

                “No, of course not,” Daichi stated before Sugawara could get a word in, “Like Suga said, it’s good that you’re looking out for your teammate. Maybe you could try talking to him, see if there’s some way you can help out?”

                Asahi just nodded apprehensively, not really keen to approach the intimidating first year, and not too sure it would do much if he did anyway. Sugawara, after getting a pointed look from Daichi, dropped the topic and went back to the previous conversation, allowing Asahi to mull over the problem that was Tsukishima.

 

                *******

 

                It had been over half a week since Yamaguchi had stopped coming into school, although Sugawara had gone to see him and assured everyone he would be back some time next week. Tsukishima had only become more irritable and withdrawn, even the second and first years had noticed and stopped pestering him as much during practice, although it didn’t seem to help much. Asahi still walked past the boy’s class every now and again to check up on him, still yet to find the courage to approach him.

But today, for some reason, Tsukishima wasn’t there. _Maybe he’s just gone to the bathroom?_ Asahi considered, not finding the easily seen blond anywhere in the room of chatty first years eating lunch, _But his stuff isn’t there – he wouldn’t take all that to the bathroom, would he? He is here though, I saw him just before lunch when I had to go through here to the councillor’s office_.

                Asahi wandered out of the building, forgetting about having his own lunch with Sugawara and Daichi, instead suddenly consumed by worry for the missing first year. _He’s always been sitting in the same spot when I go past. I don’t even think he leaves his desk all day, where could he be?_ Looking around for blond hair and glasses floating above the heads of other students, Asahi soon found himself near the edge of the school grounds. He recognised the tree he’d hidden behind that time he’d found Tsukishima and Yamaguchi holding hands.

                _He probably misses Yamaguchi more than everyone thinks_ , Asahi thought, _I mean if they’re dating and stuff, he’s probably really worried about him_. Figuring it was worth a shot, he headed up towards the tree until the bench where the two first years had been sitting came into view. He saw Tsukishima sitting on the bench where he had been last time, this time sans Yamaguchi of course.

                Approaching tentatively, Asahi grew nervous as he came closer to the boy who, headphones on and eyes closed, seemed oblivious to his presence.

                “Uh... Tsukishima?” Asahi asked apprehensively, reaching out to lightly tap Tsukishima on the shoulder. As soon as he touched him, he was slapped away, his hand stinging from the force as Tsukishima’s eyes shot open.

                “Wh-what do you want?! Go away!” he shouted rapidly, his hand still hovering where he’d slapped the ace off. Asahi couldn’t help notice the slight tremors in his hand as it hovered there. “I said go away! Just, just l-leave already!” Tsukishima cried again, more weakly this time, his voice almost breaking towards the end. Asahi looked in awe at the boy in front of him, catching his flickering eyes with his own for a moment and almost not recognising him for the panic and fear he saw in them.

                “Ts-Tsukishima, are you okay?” Asahi asked, terrified of what was happening, _Is he having an anxiety attack?!_ he thought desperately, _He can’t be, but... does Tsukishima actually have anxiety?_

                “What do you want?” Tsukishima half whimpered, his breathing starting to become laboured when Asahi showed no signs of leaving.

                “Are you having an anxiety attack?” Asahi just blurted, wincing and wishing he had been a little more sensitive.

                “Pf-fft, no,” Tsukishima tried to sneer, “I-I’m not some p-pathetic... p-p-pathetic...” Unable to finish his sentence, Tsukishima slowly started breaking down in front of Asahi, a few tears squeezing out of his clenched eyes, hands hugging his own hips with white knuckles to stop them from shaking.

                “It’s okay Tsukishima, just breathe,” Asahi started to gently coach him sitting down next to him and trying to remember what Takao-san had taught him, “Here, breathe with me,” he said, taking full, steady breaths in an attempt to get Tsukishima to follow along. When he didn’t calm down, not even attempting to follow Asahi’s instructions, the ace began to panic himself. _Don’y have an attack yourself_ , he cautioned himself, trying to remain calm, _That’s not going to help anyone. Just... just help him calm down and feel safe until it passes, that’s all you can do_.

                Not really sure how to go about it, having never attempted to calm down the usually icy Tsukishima, Asahi still found himself hesitating and at a loss. Without really thinking about it anymore, just reacting he found himself embracing the blond in a bear hug. When the boy began to struggle, he loosened his hold, but still kept him in his embrace. He breathed a little sigh of relief when the boy showed signs of calming a little. Asahi removed the tangled headphones, which had fallen off and where getting in the way, and Tsukishima seemed to press the side of his face against the ace’s chest, as if listening to his heartbeat.

                It was still another fifteen minutes before the attack had largely passed, Asahi holding Tsukishima who seemed as if he were just trying to force himself to return to normal through sheer willpower. When he was finally steady enough, he gently pushed himself away from the ace. He stood up, straightening his crooked glasses and grabbing his headphones off the bench before walking away without a word.

                Asahi stayed there for another moment, still a little overwhelmed by everything that had just happened, unable to process any off it. Absently, he started heading back to his classroom, getting there with just enough time left to scarf down his lunch before afternoon classes, thankful his full mouth gave him an excuse to not properly answer Sugawara and Daichi’s questions regarding his whereabouts.

                _So does Tsukishima really have anxiety, just like me?_ Asahi pondered to himself as his class seemed to drag on, _I know he comes to the help group but... I don’t know, I just figured it must’ve been for some other reason. It just seems so weird – what does Tsukishima even have to worry about? He’s cool, and good at volleyball. No one ever teases him, if anything he teases other people. It almost seems unfair, if even someone like Tsukishima still has to deal with anxiety, what hope does someone like me have?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Friendly reminder that I now have a tumblr [ http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/ ] so feel free to talk to me there if you guys have any questions/comments/random haikyuu nonsense :)


	9. A Stalker He Isn't (He Swears)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> A bit of a shorter chapter, but I hope it's okay. The next chapter or so should pick up a bit more as we learn more about Tsukishima. (Also no Tsukishima POV this time. I feel like that's going to be a thing for a bit as I mostly want to tell it from Asahi's perspective so that I don't spoil anything. Once we know what's what I'll alternate between them more equally again :D )
> 
> Thanks for all the support,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi’s eyes followed Tsukishima around the court, anxiously darting away whenever the first year returned his gaze in a vain attempt to avoid being noticed. _He doesn’t seem any different_ , Asahi thought to himself as he continued to observe the blond, _He still seems a little off but, you’d never know he’d had an anxiety attack earlier_. Whenever he had attacks, he always felt shaken for hours afterwards, sometimes even days when it was really bad, but Tsukishima was carrying on as if it had never happened, _Is he really okay, or his he just hiding it?_ Asahi wondered.

                “Boo,” Sugawara said, laughing as Asahi jumped, so absorbed in thought he’d failed to notice the vice-captain standing next to him, “So, I take it you haven’t said anything to him yet, otherwise you wouldn’t still be standing over here looking like a lost puppy,”

                “Eh?” Asahi questioned, “Wh-what are you talking about?”

                “Weren’t you worried about Tsukishima a few days ago? I take it you still are, the way you’ve been staring at him all afternoon,” Sugawara replied, Asahi blushing in embarrassment at being so obvious. “What’s going on Asahi?” Sugawara asked, more serious this time.

                “Ah, nothing,” Asahi answered with a nervous laugh, “I’m probably just imagining things,”

                With that, Asahi rushed off, quick to let Nishinoya draw him into some kind of competition he was having with Tanaka, eager to avoid any more of Sugawara’s probing questions. When he finally looked back in Tsukishima’s direction, he was startled to find the boy already staring at him before quickly turning away after being caught.

                After practice Asahi tried to wait behind in the gym, hoping to catch Tsukishima alone, but the boy was quick to finish cleaning up and went straight to the club room. Hurrying himself, Asahi rushed to get changed himself, finding the club room already occupied by the second years and Tsukishima already packing to leave. Hastily changing and grabbing his things, Asahi left the club room, looking around and hoping Tsukishima hadn’t gotten too far ahead.

                Spying the tall first year walking towards the school gates, Asahi jogged after him, nervously waving at Sugawara and Daichi as he went past, hoping he didn’t look too suspicious. After he’d almost caught up, he trailed behind Tsukishima by a couple of metres, realising he didn’t know what it was he wanted to do. _I-I just want to make sure he’s okay_ , Asahi tried to psych himself up, _Just... go up and ask him. It’s not like he doesn’t know you know._

                “Are you done already?” a voice came from ahead, snapping Asahi out of his thoughts, “Or do you plan on stalking me the whole way home?”

                “S-Stalking?!” Asahi yelped, startled by Tsukishima’s sudden words, dripping with signature sarcasm. He hadn’t realised the boy had noticed him, or what it would look like when he did. Asahi groaned internally, _People already think I’m some delinquent, now they’ll think I’m a stalker too!_

                “Well?” Tsukishima asked impatiently, “If you’ve not got anything to say, I’m just going home,”

                “A-are you okay?” Asahi asked timidly as Tsukishima began to turn around to leave.

                “What?” Tsukishima responded icily, eyes narrowing on the ace, causing him to shiver involuntarily.

                “Uh, are you okay?” Asahi asked again, “You know, after what happened at lunch... It’s just, whenever I have an attack I-“

                “I’m not like you,” Tsukishima spat, “Why do you all keep thinking I’m some pathetic cry baby, moaning around about how hard my life is?”

                “I-I, I didn’t-“

                “Just shut up!” Tsukishima shouted, stopping the terrified ace mid-sentence, “You don’t ... Just leave me alone,”

                Tsukishima stormed off, soon turning a corner and vanishing from sight as Asahi stood there, rooted to the spot like a deer in headlights. Eventually managing to dispel some of the stiffness in his limbs, he turned around and started walking the other direction, back home, the shadows growing longer as he trudged in a melancholic silence.

 

                *******

 

                Asahi sat waiting in the room, just like everyone else, as the clock ticked over to five minutes past.

                “Well,” Takao-san announced, standing from his seat to address everyone, “I guess Tsukishima-kun either isn’t coming or is running late. No point waiting any longer, let’s get started shall we?”

                Asahi couldn’t focus very well, not paying much attention to the people speaking despite usually at least listening out of politeness if nothing else. He couldn’t help but glance towards the chair Tsukishima normally sat in, waiting for him come through the door and drape himself over the seat in his normal despondent manner. But he never came.

                As they were packing up afterwards, Takao-san approached Asahi,

                “Azumane-kun, do you know where Tsukishima-kun is? I haven’t heard any word from his mother than he would be absent...”

                “Ah, I don’t know, maybe’s he’s just sick?” Asahi proposed lamely, hesitating to mention that Tsukishima had had an anxiety attack a few days ago.

                “What is it Azumane-kun?” Takao-san asked, noticing Asahi was withholding something. _Well_ , Asahi thought, _I guess it’s okay to tell Takao-san, I mean, he already knows Tsukishima has anxiety. I was the only one stupid enough not to realise it._

                “Um, he might have had an attack on Friday, so, maybe he stayed home because of that?”

                “Really?!” Takao-san asked eagerly, his excitement throwing Asahi a little, “What happened? Were you there?”

                “Um... I don’t really know if I should say...” Asahi started mumbling, a little confused and turned off by Takao-san’s sudden enthusiasm.

                “Please Azumane-kun,” Takao-san sighed, “Anything you could tell be would be of great help. I still haven’t really managed to make any progress with him, I don’t know what to tell his mother. She seemed quite concerned about him when she signed him up, saying he refused to see a professional and he seemed to be getting worse,”

                “Uh, I’m sorry Takao-san, I really don’t know much else,” Asahi supplied apologetically, “I just found him during lunch, he was sitting by himself and when I went over I realised he was having an attack. I stayed with him and tried to calm him down. Afterwards though he seemed fine, when I tried to ask him about it he just got really mad and wouldn’t say anything,”

                “That’s okay Azumane-kun,” Takao-san reassured the ace, recognising his concern for the boy, “That’s all helpful to know, and don’t worry, I’m sure Tsukishima-kun is just having a rough time,”

                Asahi nodded understandingly, Takao-san allowing him to go back to helping clear away the chairs. _Takao-san said his mum was really worried_ , Asahi thought, concerned about Tsukishima, _He won’t even see a professional or anything – I’m surprised she even managed to make him come here if he’s like that. Although I guess he’s not here today, so maybe he finally did manage to stop coming like he wanted._ Thinking back to his own experiences with anxiety, how hard it had been getting people to understand that it was more than just simple nerves, how hard it was to realise it himself, he couldn’t help but feel sympathetic towards the first year, _I hope he’s okay_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I'm thinking of participating in Hinata Rarepair week (24 July - 30 July), what do you guys think? Would you like/read it?
> 
> http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/post/147620422192/announcing-wild-card-prompts


	10. Definitely Not A TsukiYama Fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Can you believe we're already up to 10 chapters, that's crazy. I don't know how long this fic will end up being, but at this point I would guess maybe 25-30 chapters long?  
> Either way, we should soon reach a point where actual AsaTsukki starts to happen and it's not just a fic featuring both Asahi and Tsukishima (sorry about that :P )
> 
> Thanks for all the support,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi wandered up to the gym Monday morning, for some reason stuck on the idea that Tsukishima wasn’t going to be there, that somehow it wasn’t just the group meeting on the weekend Tsukishima was skipping. _Maybe he’s gotten so bad he can’t even come to school any more?_ he thought, _Even I’m don’t get that bad_. When he walked in however Tsukishima was standing in the middle of the rest of the team who were crowding around him. _What’s going on? Is he okay?_ Asahi immediately began panicking, rushing over to find out what all the commotion was about, sighing in relief when he realised it wasn’t Tsukishima they were crowding around, it was Yamaguchi.

                “Oh, Asahi, look,” Nishinoya exclaimed, noticing the ace hanging back awkwardly, “Yamaguchi’s back! Looks like you need to work on your spiking strength a bit more if he’s already up and about!” he joked, clapping the significantly larger boy’s back a bit over-zealously.

                “Ah, don’t worry Asahi-san,” Yamaguchi said hurriedly, “I already told everyone it wasn’t your fault,”

                “I still feel really bad about it though,” Asahi mumbled apologetically, hoping the team would turn their attention back to the first year instead of him. Tsukishima snorted at his words, causing Yamaguchi to chide him quietly, much to Hinata and Kageyama’s barely muffled amusement.

                “... You have to do what I say, I’m hurt,” Yamaguchi hissed quietly, the taller boy eventually conceding and throwing a half-hearted ‘whatever’ at the ace, apparently the closest thing to an apology he was going to get. “Sorry about Tsukki,” Yamaguchi apologised for the boy, the rest of the team having started to disperse to start warm up stretches, “I think he’s been a little irritable lately,”

                “Ah, no, that’s okay,” Asahi replied meekly, “You, uh, you kind of get used to it,” he shrugged. Yamaguchi gave him an odd look, before letting Asahi leave to warm up with the others. Yamaguchi was apparently still supposed to avoid strenuous activity for a while, so he was just watching practice today. ‘ _At least I’m not a starter_ ’ he’d joked lightly when he’d told them.

                One thing Asahi noticed almost right away though was that Tsukishima wasn’t as weird as he was last week. _Maybe it was just Yamaguchi’s absence that was the problem?_ Asahi thought, remembering what Sugawara had suggested, _Was that why he had an attack, because he missed Yamaguchi? I mean, I know they’re dating, or whatever, but that seems a little extreme_. Asahi decided that he would maybe talk to them about it, or rather, he would wait until Yamaguchi was alone and talk to _him_ about it.

 

                *******

 

                _Now’s my chance_ , Asahi thought, hiding (poorly) behind the corner just outside Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s classroom. Students kept a wide berth of the suspicious looking third-year (‘ _But he looks so old?_ ’), although Asahi tried not to let it get to him too much. He guessed what he was doing was technically pretty shady, so he couldn’t really blame anyone for suspecting the worst. Tsukishima walked out the door, Asahi pulling back behind the corner just in time to avoid being seen, before rushing into the room after he’d gone.

                “Asahi-san,” Yamaguchi greeted him cheerfully as he approached the boy’s desk, trying to ignore the whispers of the other students (‘ _Who is that? Is that a third-year?_ ’, ‘ _Isn’t he the one who beat Yamaguchi up in the first place?_ ’, ‘ _Maybe someone should get a teacher? What and have him after us as well?_ ’)

                “Uh, hello Yamaguchi,” he replied nervously, “I was, uh, wondering if I could talk to you alone... about Tsukishima?”

                “He’s not done something has he?” Yamaguchi asked, a mixture of concerned and exasperated, “I’m sure I can get him to apologis-“

                “No, no, nothing like that,” Asahi interrupted the boy, “It’s just, uh, private,”

                “Okay...” Yamaguchi said suspiciously, following Asahi out of the classroom, curious to hear what it was the ace needed to tell him, about Tsukishima no less. Once they were outside the building, and Asahi had made sure no one was hanging too close by, he stopped and turned to talk to Yamaguchi.

                “Uh, umm,” he hesitated as Yamaguchi stood there patiently, waiting for Asahi to find his words, “It’s about Tsukishima... and you, I guess... and his, uh, problem,”

                “His problem?” Yamaguchi asked inquisitively. Asahi paused for a moment, suddenly wondering if maybe Yamaguchi didn’t know – but surely if even he had found out, surely Yamaguchi knew.

                “Um, you know, his anxiety and that,” Asahi clarified reluctantly.

                “You know about-!” Yamaguchi exclaimed, cutting himself off before he could finish, eyes wide, “How do you know? He’s so careful no one finds out?”

                “Ah, do you know about the help group he goes to?” Asahi asked.

                “The one the next town over right?” Yamaguchi confirmed, “It took forever to convince him to go,”

              “You mean he’s still going?” Asahi asked, confused, “But he didn’t come last time, I thought maybe he’d finally quit,”

                “He wha-?!” Yamaguchi yelled again, cutting himself short when he realised his volume, “Wait, you mean you were there too?” Asahi nodded shyly, hoping it would be fine. It was just Yamaguchi, and he already knew someone with anxiety, so it would be fine, right?

                “Really?” Yamaguchi asked hopefully. A little confused by the reaction, Asahi just nodded again. “Is it good? Does it seem like Tsukki’s getting better? Have you talked to him? Maybe if he talks to someone else who-“

                “Ah, I don’t really know,” Asahi interjected before Yamaguchi got too far ahead of himself, “He, uh, he won’t really talk about it. Whenever I try and bring it up he just stares at me or something until I drop it – even Takao-san, um the guy who runs the group, hasn’t really managed to do much,” Yamaguchi’s hopeful face dropped,

                “Really?” he asked, more mournfully this time, “He promised he’d try this time...”

                “Um, I actually kind of wanted to talk to about last week,” Asahi reiterated awkwardly.

                “Oh, right, of course,” Yamaguchi rambled, trying to snap out of his disappointment, “Go ahead,”

                “Well, uh, you seem to really care about Tsukishima’s anxiety getting better-“ Asahi started.

                “Of course I do, but he refuses to- Sorry, I’ll let you finish this time,” Yamaguchi apologised sheepishly.

                “Um, well last week, while you were gone, he seemed really... off. Suga thought maybe it was because you weren’t acting as a buffer like you normally do but... I think it was more to do with his anxiety. It seemed like it got worse while you were gone, I found him having an anxiety attack at lunch one day but he still refuses to talk about it,”

                “What?” Yamaguchi asked, becoming increasingly concerned, “I knew his attacks were getting worse, he keeps hiding them from me,”

                “Yeah, well, I know this is probably really hard to hear, but, um...” Asahi hesitated, not wanting to upset Yamaguchi but no really seeing any way around it, “I think maybe Tsukishima’s too dependent on you. I know you’re dating, and you probably want to be supportive of him, but if just you not being there means he starts having attacks maybe that’s not such a good thing...”

                “Eh? Dating?” Yamaguchi said in a confused tone.

                “Ah! Or, you know, whatever your relationship is. I didn’t mean to-“

                “Tsukki and I are just friends?” Yamaguchi clarified, as if it were obvious.

                “Eh?” Asahi responded, his turn to be confused, “But... I saw you, you were holding hands... and then he got worse when you left and...”

                “Holding h-? Oh, you mean that time you were hiding behind that tree?” Yamaguchi recalled as if there were nothing unusual about it, Asahi hiding his face in his hands, _Maybe I am am stalker?_ he worried, “Tsukki was just, you know, having an attack. I think he seems to feel better when I’m touching him, I think maybe it grounds him or something,” Yamaguchi explained, Tsukishima remembering a similar response when he’d tried to help Tsukishima himself.

                “I guess maybe it was just like Suga said then,” Asahi sighed, feeling a little stupid for jumping to all kinds of conclusion, _What must Yamaguchi think of me – the first thing I assume is that their dating_ , “It was just maybe the increased stress of dealing with people without you holding them off, right?”

                “Do you really think that might be it?” Yamaguchi asked, starting to look hopeful again, “Is that why he keeps having these attacks, because he can’t talk to people?”

                “Y-you don’t know?” Asahi replied, surprised Yamaguchi didn’t know the cause of Tsukishima’s anxiety if he’d already known about it for so long.

                “No,” the first year bemoaned, “He never tells me anything, no matter how much I ask. He just keeps telling me he’s fine and nothing’s wrong. I don’t even know if the touching thing is actually helpful or not, he won’t say! ... I finally thought maybe him going to this group thing, with other people like him, he might finally talk to _someone_ about it...”

               

                *******

 

                _Where the hell have they gotten to?_ Tsukishima thought, striding through the corridors, students parting before his stormy aura as he searched for his conspiring team mates. _I go to the bathroom for less than five minutes and I come back to find Yamaguchi missing, apparently kidnapped by a mysterious twenty year old?_ It hadn’t taken much for Tsukishima to realise they were referring to Asahi, and since he was pretty sure the ace had not kidnapped his friend, he could only assume he had gone off willingly. What for, he couldn’t guess, but considering they were the only two people besides his mother who knew about his attacks, he shuddered to think.

                _Why can’t they just leave me alone?!_ he asked, _It’s not their problem, they don’t have to fix me – there’s nothing wrong with me, I’M FINE!!!_ He finally exited the building, causing the group of second year girls chatting in front of the doors to scatter to the side, muttering about how rude he was. _What’s rude is to have a conversation in the middle of a busy doorway, you idiots_ , he remarked, sneering at them as he walked past instead of voicing his criticisms out loud. He didn’t have time to deal with idiots, or rather, he was looking for two specific idiots and did not have time to deal with these ones.

                He soon spotted the unlikely pair, the shady looking ace and the timid looking first year, _I’d bet Asahi’s more timid than Yamagchi though_ , he thought as he approached the two, thankful that Asahi at least could be kept at bay with sarcasm and snide remarks. For better or worse, those things had stopped working on Yamaguchi a long time ago so he’d just given up.

                “What is this I hear about a delinquent kidnapping an injured first year?” Tsukishima announced, causing Asahi to jump, Yamaguchi just sighing as he turned to face Tsukishima.

                “I-I didn’t kidnap him, I s-swear,” Asahi stammered.

                “Don’t worry, he knows that Asahi-san,” Yamaguchi reassured the ace before turning to his friend, “I do have other friends besides you Tsukki,” he teased lightly, delighting at how easy it was for him to get a rise out of the normally collected Tsukishima.

                “Since when is Asahi one of those people however?” he asked mockingly, trying to remain aloof but not doing a particularly good job (at least as far as Yamaguchi was concerned, Asahi was still fairly convinced)

                “So jealous Tsukki, don’t worry we weren’t talking about you,” Yamaguchi chided.

                “You weren’t?” Tsukishima asked warily, before seeing the teasing look in Yamaguchi’s eyes.

                “Well, maybe just a little,” he confessed, Tsukishima’s worries suddenly  seeming to come to life before his eyes. _What did Yamaguchi tell him? What did Asahi tell Yamaguchi?! God, why can’t they just leave well enough alone?_

“Did you know,” Yamaguchi continued light-heartedly, “That Asahi-san thought we were dating?” Tsukishima’s worries and concerns were suddenly dismissed as his brain struggled to process this unexpected turn of events.

                “... What?” Tsukishima asked, not entirely sure if he’d heard correctly, although judging from the way Asahi was trying to hide behind Yamaguchi and was avoiding eye contact with him, he had a feeling he hadn’t misheard at all.

                “Pfffft,” Tsukishima started snorting, unable to control himself when confronted with such a ludicrous idea, “Y-you thought, we were... dating?!” he spluttered between laughs.

                “Rude, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said, somehow remaining entirely calm and serious throughout, “What would be so bad about dating me? I’m offended!” he turned up his nose in mock hurt as Tsukishima continued laughing, Asahi taking his chance to flee while the blond was distracted.

                By the time Tsukishima calmed down, he was irritated to find the easily interrogated ace had eluded him, and Yamaguchi was apparently planning on remaining tight-lipped about whatever conversation they’d had. Irritated that he’d gotten away, Tsukishima tried to comfort himself in the fact that they’d meet at practice that afternoon, and there’d be no avoiding him then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. Next week I want to participate in Hinata RarePair week (see tumblr post:  
> http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/post/147620422192/announcing-wild-card-prompts ) so I might not be able to update at the same frequency as usual, although I will attempt to, I might maybe be a day late once or twice, sorry. (But at least you can read some Hinata rarepair fics as compensation :D )


	11. Settling His Debts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> I've finally updated this again. Sorry about the week hiatus, I was busy with the Hinata Rare Pair week, but mostly I just didn't really know what I was doing with this fic. But I've had a think about it and I've come up with a proper story line, so I should be good. This chapter is a little short, but I should be updating every second day again, alternating with my KageHina fic.
> 
> Sorry about the wait,
> 
> nightshade

                “I thought you would know to keep your nose out of my business,” Tsukishima hissed quietly from behind Asahi during warm up, low enough that only the ace could here him. Jumping, unaware that the first year had been behind him the whole time, Asahi waited until the others stopped giving him weird looks to reply.

                “I-I, uh, I don’t know what you mean Tsukishima?” Asahi stammered lamely.

                “Oh really,” Tsukishima responded sarcastically, “I was unaware you and Yamaguchi had suddenly become best friends during the five minutes I was away – just stay out of it, he’s even more insufferable now,”

                “H-he’s just worried, I think,” Asahi replied meekly after a few moments of awkward silence.

                “Well he shouldn’t be,” Tsukishima snapped back, “There’s nothing for him to worry about,” Finishing up his stretches, Tsukishima meandered over to where Yamaguchi was already practising receives with some of the second years, joining them with a grimace when the freckled boy asked him to.

                “What’s up with him?” another voice suddenly came from behind him, giving the ace another startle.

                “Noya-san, don’t sneak up on people like that,” Asahi gasped, trying to calm his nerves.

                “I didn’t sneak up on you, you’re just not very observant,” Nishinoya teased, “Anyways, what’s going on with Tsukishima, I saw he sayin’ something to you before. Is he messing with you or something?”

                “What? No,” Asahi mumbled, unaware that anyone had taken much notice of their encounter – maybe he wasn’t very observant.

                “Well, what was it then?” Nishinoya asked curiously, “I mean, Tsukishima’s not exactly the most talkative guy in the world, especially when it’s not Yamaguchi he’s talking to. Are you sure he’s not just bothering you about something?”

                “Um, not really – I mean!” Asahi stumbled over his words, the energetic libero kept jumping around and making all kinds of swooping gestures as he spoke. He kept asking his questions really rapidly, without really giving Asahi any time to think and he was worried he was going to say something he shouldn’t. Tsukishima was already angry at him for talking to Yamaguchi, he didn’t want to make it any worse. Why couldn’t he have just left well enough alone, like Tsukishima kept telling him to?

                “If he’s doin’ something mean, you can tell me – I’ll knock him down a peg or two!” Nishinoya crowed, despite Asahi’s pleading that he just forget about it.

                “I’d like to see you try,” Tsukishima’s arrogant voice came from behind the two of them, neither having noticed the first year come over. Nishinoya turned around in a hurry, trying to look threatening like Tanaka always did.

                “What have you been saying to our ace? You better not scare him off again?” Nishinoya started, apparently still concerned that Asahi might up and leave again at the drop of a hat, despite his assurances that he was here to stay.

                “Not if he knows what’s good for him,” Tsukishima scoffed to Asahi’s confusion, “I was just giving him a ‘friendly reminder’ not to be spiking any balls Yamaguchi’s way again if he wanted to keep playing volleyball,”

                _Eh?_ Asahi thought, _What’s Tsukishima talking about, he’s just going to get Noya-san mad at him_.

                “What?! That wasn’t even Asahi’s fault – even Yamaguchi said so,” Nishinoya argued, angered that Tsukishima might have been trying to get Asahi to leave the team again.

                “Yamaguchi’s too nice for his own good,” Tsukishima sneered, “If the so-called _ace_ wants to stay on the team, maybe he should learn how to spike properly. Or at least learn to only aim at the other teams,”

                “Asahi would never hurt someone on purpose!” Nishinoya yelled, outraged as Tsukishima continued to rile him up. Just as he started balling his fists to have a go at the smug looking first year, Daichi called out across the court, yelling at him to keep it down and to stop fighting with the first years. Tsukishima continued with his smug sneer, waving mockingly at the libero as he stormed over to Tanaka, not wanting to get scolded any further by the captain.

                “Why’d you do that?” Asahi asked, confused, “Now Noya-san’s just going to be mad at you,”

                “He stopped bothering you though, didn’t he?” Tsukishima pointed out, leaving Asahi even more confused as to why Tsukishima would help him to his own detriment, “Now we’re even. You can stop worrying about me and just... go back to whatever it is you do,” he said icily, before striding back over to Yamaguchi.

                Asahi stood there, confused, _Even? What is he talking about – does he mean about his attack last week? Why would he think he owed me for that?_ Asahi was shaken out of his thoughts by Sugawara calling him over, wanting to practice some tossing with him. Walking over, Asahi’s last thoughts before focusing on spiking were, _Did he think I was only worried about him because he owed me? Why am I so worried about him though?_

 


	12. Façade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Wow, it didn't take me long to be late did it :P Sorry about that, I had an late night yesterday and didn't have time.  
> Here is the new chapter - the next one's gonna be a big reveal so, get hyped (maybe, I guess?)
> 
> Thanks for the continued support,
> 
> nightshade

                It was a day or so later, at morning practice, that Yamaguchi tapped Asahi’s shoulder, struggling not to laugh rudely at the quiet squeak he let out in astonishment. The pinch server had still been coming to practice every morning with Tsukishima, typically sitting on the sidelines with Takeda-sensei and watching everyone do drills.

                “Ah, sorry Asahi-san. I didn’t mean to startle you,” Yamaguchi apologised.

                “N-no, that’s fine Yamaguchi,” Asahi replied, wondering what the boy could want. They hadn’t really spoken since they’d been caught by Tsukishima earlier in the week, “What can I help you with?”

                “I have to go to a doctor’s appointment later today,” Yamaguchi started explaining, “Nothing bad, just a check up!” he clarified before Asahi could start worrying, “But, I’ll be gone during lunch so... I was just wondering if you could maybe, uh, check up on Tsukki? If you’re not doing anything else, I mean-“

                “Sure Yamaguchi,” Asahi answered, interrupting the boy before he could continue rambling, “Is there, uh, a particular reason why, or...?”

                “Um...” Yamaguchi hesitated, noticing Tsukishima staring at them from the other side of the court, ignoring whatever the coach was saying to him, “He’s just been... bad, lately. I’m just a bit worried is all. He’s always so good at hiding it when something’s bothering him, so I can never tell when, uh, _it_ is going to happen,”

                Asahi’s mouth made a silent oh, in understanding, telling the boy of course he would check up on the boy and not to worry about it, nothing would happen. Yamaguchi just managed to smile and thank him before Tsukishima made his way free of the coach and started walking over, meeting him halfway and re-directing him away from the ace. Asahi looked warily at the first year, not having noticed how close he’d come to another scolding from Tsukshima.

                Thinking about that, Asahi realised he’d probably need to be subtle when he checked up on Tsukishima like he’d promised. _It’s not like I can just go up and ask how he’s feeling_ , Asahi worried, _When Takao-san tried to do that.... ugh_ , he shuddered as he remembered the soul piercing glare that the boy had managed to shoot out at the counsellor. He tried not to think too much about it, concentrating instead on doing drills with Nishinoya, figuring he’d just deal with it when it happened.

 

                *******

 

                By the time lunch came around, Asahi was quite nervous. As much as he’d tried not to worry about it, he’d forgotten that the more he tried not to be anxious the more anxious he tended to get. _I’m actually anxious about being anxious_ , he thought, laughing to himself dryly, _I’m even anxious about Tsukishima being anxious! What am I supposed to do if something really does happen? ... DO I just do what I did last time?_

                The ace meandered out of the classroom, forgoing meeting up with Sugawara and Daichi in favour of going to find the tall first year now, and getting the whole thing over with. With his hesitant pace however, it took him a while to find the boy. When he wasn’t in his classroom, Asahi got a little worried, but tried to pass it off as nothing. He decided to head straight for the secluded bench he’d found the boy at last time, trying to ignore what had been happening every other time he’d come across him there.

                As he approached, he was surprised to hear a muffled voice, _Maybe he isn’t here?_ Asahi thought as he rose over the small hill. Once he could see down to the bench, he was surprised to see Nishinoya (the source of the sound) standing there talking animatedly to Tsukishima. He grew a little uncomfortable as he recognised the angry tone in the small libero’s voice.

                “... leave him alone, you big jerk!” Nishinoya yelled, “Why’d you always have to be so mean to everyone?! Stop walking around with a stick up your arse and try being a decent human being once in a while!” Asahi hastened his approach, unsure what was going on but Nishinoya was clearly riled up about something. His steps fell short however when the boy continued his ranting.

                “Just ‘cause he’s the ace, doesn’t mean you can do stuff like that! Asahi’s real sensitive and stuff – you gotta be more careful! Why don’t you just go back to bullying Kageyama or whatever, at least he’s not gonna leave the team because you couldn’t not be a jerk for once!”

                “Noya-san?” Asahi asked tentatively, feeling embarrassed about what he’d overheard. Sure he didn’t exactly have the thickest skin, but did Nishinoya really think he was so fragile?

                “Asahi?” Nishinoya said, startled before quickly recovering, “Don’t worry, I was just telling Tsukishima to stop being such a _jerk_ all the time!” he yelled pointedly back in Tsukishima’s direction. Asahi’s head turned towards the first year as the libero yelled at him, noticing the taller boy flinch a little with every pointed bit of enunciation Nishinoya spat at him.

                The libero himself seemed to caught up in his own emotions, but Asahi felt his blood run cold when he began to look more closely at the first year. His fists were clenched at his side, knuckles so white they looked painful, his lower arms shaking just slightly enough that you might have missed it if you hadn’t been looking. His eyes looked a little unfocused, masked a little by the thick frames of his glasses. _Oh my god, is he having another attack?! While Noya-san’s yelling at him! Is that why?_ , Asahi almost began freaking out, but couldn’t help but second guess himself. Despite the signs, albeit subtle ones, the boy hardly looked like he was having an anxiety attack. Whenever he had one, or the one time he’d seen someone else have one at one of the group meetings, it seemed so much more... obvious.

                “Uh, Noya-san?” Asahi asked meekly, figuring even if he wasn’t having an attack, by the look of things that’s where he was heading if Nishinoya kept up his barrage.

                “And another thing, why have you always got to be so sneery, huh?! Always snickering away at the back, like you’re better than everyone else!” Nishinoya continued, not paying any heed to the ace, not the first years when his mouth spasmed slightly, having been clenched in place too long.

                “Noya-san!” Asahi yelled assertively, causing Nishinoya to stop mid-sentence and look back at the ace in awe, “Uh, I-I’ll take it from here, okay?” he continued lamely, a little shocked himself and hoping he hadn’t startled Tsukishima too much.

                “O-okay Asahi-san,” Nishinoya conceded, giving him a thumbs up as he walked off, apparently some attempt at emotional support the ace assumed. Asahi walked over to Tsukishima as soon as the libero was gone,

                “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned, “Um, are you, uh, having an attack right now?” He felt kind of awkward having to ask, but figured that it was probably a small price for being able to make sure Tsukishima was alright.

                “I-It’s fine. Just leave me alone,” Tsukishima spat in a stilted voice, briefly unclenching his fists before balling them back up again, hissing with the sudden release of lactic acid.

                “Tsukishima, I’m not going to leave you if you’re having an attack,” Asahi argued, a little offended that the boy even thought he would, “You’re clearly not fine,”

                “I thought you couldn’t... even... tell,” Tsukishima stuttered, breathing starting to become sharp, unable to stop a single tear from squeezing out of his clenched shut eyes. Asahi placed one of his hands on the first year’s shoulder, the other on the small of his back, gently guiding him down so he was sitting on the bench, feeling his tense muscles resisting.

                “Tsukishima, it’s okay, just breathe alright,” Asahi tried to keep the boy as calm as possible, “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere,”

                “Is that... supposed... to reassure me?” the blond asked between harsh shuddering breaths

                “Yes,” Asahi answered simply, rubbing the boy’s back comfortingly, eventually letting him rest his forehead on his shoulder as he began crying a little more. Eventually the tension in the boy’s body began to relax, and his breathing quietened down.

                “Do you, um, do you think you’re okay now?” Asahi asked tentatively, “If you want to talk about what’s wrong-“

                “Nothing’s wrong,” Tsukishima interrupted tersely, “I’m fine now. You... you should have just left me alone, like I asked,” The boy stood up stiffly, taking off his glasses to wipe his face, putting them back on to go.

                “Tsukishima, there’s clearly something bothering you,” Asahi argued, “If you don’t try and talk to someone about it, how do you expect things to get any better?”

                “I was fine.” Tsukishima spat bitterly, “I don’t need your pity, or whatever. Nishinoya would have just left eventually,”

                “Are you saying you were just going to sit there and let him yell at you like that? While you were having an anxiety attack?!” Asahi asked incredulously. He could barely tolerate the idea of Nishinoya yelling at him like that normally, let alone while he was in the middle of an attack.

                “Why not, it’s not like he knew?” Tsukishima asked. Asahi just looked at him pityingly, seeming to piss off the boy more. He couldn’t help but feel horrible though, imagining how it must have felt to have someone yell horrible things at him when he was like – and still somehow barely appear phased at all.

                “Do you always do that?” he asked quietly as the first year started to walk off, figuring the ace’s silence was his cue to leave.

                “Do what?” Tsukishima asked, confused as to what Asahi was getting at.

                “Pretend. That it’s not happening. You were far too convincing...” Asahi trailed off sadly.

                “It’s easier,” he answered gruffly, walking away as the school bell rung, signalling the return to class, while Asahi sat there for a moment, trying to absorb everything Tsukishima had said.


	13. Asahi Is A Believer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooooooh! This chapter is a good one (well, it's got a big plot development, I guess it's up to you to decide whether or not it's 'good')  
> Stuff happens and we learn about Tsukishima (*o*)
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi wandered into the small room, taking his normal spot in the circle of chairs, not bothering with a drink or anything this time. His thoughts were stuck on Tsukishima: Was he coming today? Was he alright after his attack? Should he tell Yamaguchi about it? The ace wasn’t sure about anything, he just knew that he felt an ache in his chest whenever he thought of Tsukishima pretending he wasn’t having an anxiety attack. Yamaguchi had said they were becoming more frequent lately, but how often was that? Did he hide them from Yamaguchi as well? It seemed like something he’d try to do, but surely the ever present, ever observant Yamaguchi wouldn’t fall for that.

                Lost in his concerns over the boy, Asahi didn’t even realise Tsukishima had arrived until he had sat down in the circle, Takao-san calling everyone’s attention so they could begin. In a moment of daring, Asahi quickly abandoned his seat, sitting on one of the usually empty chairs either side of Tsukishima. The blond gave him an indecipherable look as Asahi just gave a small nervous smile, sighing in relief when he looked away again, apparently not going to say anything. He waited a few minutes, until after Takao-san had said what he’d wanted to, one of the middle school girls now addressing the group about something.

                “A-are you okay?” Asahi whispered as inconspicuously as he could manage, feeling bad for talking when someone else was, but needing to confirm, or deny, for himself that he hadn’t done anything wrong the other day when he’d found Tsukishima. “I mean, after the other day?” he clarified when Tsukishima seemed to ignore him, wondering if maybe he hadn’t heard, “Tsukishima?”

                “Azumane-kun,” Takao-san said, Asahi sitting up straight, embarrassed at being caught whispering, “I would ask that you refrain from chatter while others are speaking. I’m glad Tsukishima-kun seems to have finally made a friend, but-“ Tsukishima snorted slightly at the man’s words, having been unresponsive until that point. “Do you disagree, Tsukishima-kun? Whatever you may consider your relationship to Azumane-kun, it’s still impolite to be talking to each other while someone else is speaking,”

                “I’d rather not be blamed for ‘Azumane-kun’s’ behaviour,” Tsukishima replied mockingly, “I thought you’d be used to people talking to themselves with this as your hobby,”

                “Tsukishima-kun, why is it when you decide to speak, you never seem to want to offer anything constructive?” Takao-san asked, exasperated and a little annoyed with boy’s attitude, “Perhaps we shall have you talk now, and you can tell us why it is you seem to have such a problem being here,”

                “Constructive?” Tsukishima scoffed, “What about _this_ is constructive? You just sit around all day whining about how crappy your lives are – I apologise for feeling like it’s a waste of my time being here,”

                “Perhaps if you tried participating in the discussion, rather than trying to pretend you aren’t here, you might find better understand the purpose,” Takao-san argued through gritted teeth, clearly trying to remain calm but starting to falter under Tsukishima’s inexplicable talent for pushing people’s buttons. “Maybe if you tried sharing with the group about your anxiety, and what it is in your life that causes you to be anxious, you might find it helpful,”

                “As I’ve already said, I don’t have some tragic backstory or deep emotional scars, so sorry – I have nothing to say,” Tsukishima responded, starting to get irritated himself.

                “It doesn’t have to be some massive personal problem or life crisis Tsukishima-kun,” Takao-san tried to explain, “Anxiety can make even the most mundane, everyday experiences a struggle. By sharing your own experiences with the group you might find other people who can sympathise with you, or even give you some advice,”

                “And I told you,” Tsukishima started, clearly fed up with Takao-san and the whole group, “There isn’t anything wrong with me – _I’m fine_.”

                “Tsukishima,” Asahi said quietly, drawing the boy’s incensed stare, “Um, m-maybe you could just try? I-I mean, what would be so bad about it?”

                “What?!” Tsukishima spat back, Asahi faltering a little.

                “I m-mean, Yamaguchi said you were getting worse. M-maybe this could help a little, if you just tell someone what’s wrong,” Asahi stammered, flinching when Tsukishima shot up, chair scrabbling back behind him before he stormed out of the room, door slamming behind him.

                “Ah, perhaps I was a bit too aggressive,” Takao-san mumbled apologetically, feeling a little guilty for starting to lose his cool like that, “Could you maybe go and check on him Azumane-kun – just at least check he’s not going to go do something stupid?”

                “Uh, sure,” Asahi replied, already rushing out of the room after the younger boy, plenty concerned himself.

                “Tsukishima!” he called, hands cupped around his mouth as he yelled the boy’s name, wandering into the parking lot. He hadn’t been inside the library, unless he was deliberately hiding, so the ace decided to try looking outside. The street lights had already come on, and the air had started to acquire a cool edge to it whenever a breeze swept by. “Tsukishima!”

                The ace saw some movement over by the far edge of the parking lot where the grass began to turn into trees. Jogging over, Asahi found the fuming first year stomping back and forth.

                “Go away,” Tsukishima hissed when he saw Asahi approach, “Go back to your stupid group,”

                “Tsukishima?” Asahi questioned, feeling like the boy’s wrath was partially directed at him as well as Takao-san. “I-I’m sorry... maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but – I really think you should talk to _someone_! I thought maybe because you didn’t know anyone there, maybe you might be more willing to say something...” Tsukishima just glared at Asahi, unforgiving.

                “I told you- You know what, _fine_!” Tsukishima snapped, “Fine, I’m... uh, desperately afraid of spiders and, uh, I chronically wet the bed, and sometimes girls say mean things about me and I cry for days afterwards! There are you happy? That now I’ve got some pathetic problem like the rest of you, so you can feel better about yourselves?!”

                “Tsukishima, no,” Asahi tried to calm the boy, who was almost shaking in anger, “We – _I_ – just want to help you. If you don’t say what’s bothering you, how is anyone supposed to help you?”

                “I told you, there’s nothing wrong, there never was – why does everyone keep trying to tell me that there is – wouldn’t I know?!”

                “I’m not saying there’s something wrong with _you_ , Tsukishima,” Asahi tried to explain, “But you cant just keep pretending your attacks aren’t happening. If you don’t tell people what’s causing them, then how do you expect-“

                “I told you,” Tsukishima cried, voice cracking as he started sobbing a little, crouching down to the ground, rocking back and forth on his haunches, “Why doesn’t anyone listen?”

                “But I _am_ listening Tsukishima, _you’re_ the one not talking,” Asahi pointed out, exasperated with the boy who seemed adamant in his desire not to cooperate.

                “It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ve all already made up your minds,” Tsukishima hissed as Asahi knelt down on the grass next to him, everything only half visible in the light of the distant street light. “No matter how many times I say it, you all just say I’m lying, because it’s not what you _want_ me to say,”

                “But Tsukishima, you can’t hide it from people all the time,” Asahi explained, “I _know_ you have anxiety attacks, other people too – you can’t expect me to just ignore that,”

                “I’m not,” Tsukishima sobbed

                “So, they must be happening for a reason. You don’t just randomly have anxiety attacks for no reason,”

                “Why not?” Tsukishima looked at Asahi, the fierce look trapping the ace’s eyes, “Just because you don’t?” he turned away again, Asahi still struck by the desperation filling those eyes.

                “B-but... eh?” Asahi struggled, looking at the forlorn boy carefully, unable to believe that those eyes were lying, “... Do you really mean it? There’s nothing going on that you just don’t want to talk about – they really happen for no reason?”

                “I told you,” Tsukishima whimpered hopelessly, preparing himself for another lecturing.

                “... Okay,” Asahi said softly, Tsukishima looking to him, confused.

                “’Okay’?” he asked tentatively.

                “If you say that they just happen – no reason – then... I believe you,” Asahi explained quietly, not prepared for when Tsukishima let out a single sob before practically ramming his chest, long arms constricting around him in a vice like grip.

                “Really?” Tsukishima gasped, fearful that the ace would suddenly take it back.

                “Y-yes,” Asahi reassured him, “I... don’t really understand, but, if that’s what you say, then I believe you,”

                “Thank you,” Tsukishima mumbled, words muffled into Asahi’s chest. They spent the rest of the time sat on the grass in contemplative silence, only interrupted by the occasional slapping of a mosquito.

                It wasn’t too long before Tsukishima’s mother pulled up in the parking lot, surprised to find her son outside on the grass rather than still inside. She was going to say something until she noticed the still red rings around his eyes and his somewhat tired posture, figuring it was something best left for now. Asahi gave a small wave to Tsukishima as he left, the boy not responding, but giving him a look of acknowledgement that Asahi figured was just as good. He began his walk to the train station down the road, continuing to try and sort out his thoughts. He couldn’t really fathom how Tsukishima could have an anxiety attack without something making him, well, anxious. At least it had never happened to him... but Tsukishima wasn’t him. And he honestly didn’t believe the boy was lying to him, so he had a long restless night ahead of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this was maybe a good point to reiterate, I don't have, nor personally know anyone with, an anxiety disorder etc.  
> So if you ever feel like I've not accurately portrayed something, I apologise and please, don't hesitate to tell me for future reference.
> 
> (Also, talk to me on tumblr if you want :D I'm not scary, I promise http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/ )


	14. Asahi Is Curious (*wink*)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Late again, I know :P  
> Here is the latest chapter, Asahi's concern for Tsukishima starting to show even more - but how does Tsukki feel I wonder?  
> I guess you'll just have to wait and find out, mwahaha
> 
> nightshade

                Hair still wet from the shower, Asahi wonders into his room ready for bed. He sits on the side of his bed, unable to get Tsukishima out of his head. He’d hoped maybe thinking about things in the shower might’ve helped, but he couldn’t come up with anything. Sighing, he glanced back over at the smattering of anxiety and mental health pamphlets and brochures on his bedside table, picking one up at random.

                Over the years he’d amassed quite a collection of the things, for some reason keeping them rather than throwing away whenever he happened to pick one up somewhere. Most were from Takao-san, as he’d occasionally bring some to the group meetings, and a few were from the few times he’d gone to see a psychologist in Tokyo. Nothing in them seemed to elude to the possibility of having an anxiety attack without some sort of trigger, although he’d already really known that before he’d re-read them he just wanted to make sure.

                With great reluctance he pulled out his phone as he crawled under his covers, resorting at last to Google. He’d learnt a while ago not to trust the internet too much when it came to medical diagnoses (especially after having to be told repeatedly by emergency room staff that he did _not_ have cancer), but having exhausted all other immediate routes of inquiry, he decided it couldn't hurt to try.

                _Why am I even doing this?_ Asahi questioned himself as he began scrolling through results, _It’s not like Tsukishima can’t do this himself. If there was something about it out there, he’d probably have found it by now_. That still didn’t stop the ace from trying though, niggling concern for the first year preventing him from turning off the light and going to sleep.

                After a while of browsing with little luck, Asahi’s attention was suddenly caught by some conversation in a forum. He wrinkled his nose, not really judging some random people in an online forum to be the most reliable source of information, but he’d been at this for a while and had yet to find anything. After reading for a little bit, Asahi started to realise that these people seemed to be like Tsukishima. They kept talking about having attacks and that, but never what was making them happen, a few seeming to imply that they came out of nowhere. He hesitated before starting a new thread, hoping maybe this might be what he was looking for.

**Curiousguy:**         Hi. This is probably a stupid question, but what’s wrong with you guys?

**Curiousguy:**         Ahh! I didn’t mean it like that! I have a friend who I think might be like you, but I don’t really know what it is that’s, uh, wrong with him?

                Asahi waited for a few moments, hoping someone might respond. After a while, when it seemed like no one was answering, he put his phone down and turned the lights off, figuring he should finally go to sleep. Just as he shut his eyes, his phone lit up. He grabbed it and saw someone had responded, typing back in response

**Mizuki88:** Hi Curiousguy, what exactly is wrong with your ‘friend’?

**Curiousguy:** He has anxiety attacks, but he says nothing causes them. It seemed like some people here were like that too. Sorry if I just misunderstood. (And it really is a friend?)

**Mizuki88:**             Yeah, that sounds like maybe he has a panic disorder, but you said he has anxiety though so... maybe he’s just to embarrassed or something to tell you what’s causing them?

**Curiousguy:** What’s a panic disorder? And I really don’t think he’s lying.

                Asahi read the stranger’s response avidly, feeling like maybe he’d found something. He’d not heard of a ‘panic disorder’ before, but maybe that’s why he couldn’t find anything about Tsukishima. Maybe he doesn’t have anxiety, but one of these panic disorders. The thread is soon joined by two others as well who give the ace a few helpful links to various resources and such. He ends up spending most of the night going through them on his phone, lying in bed, reading about the various symptoms, consequences and potential treatments.

                By the time the sun is rising, Asahi had only slept an hour, if that, head swimming with all kinds of information. He’d thought maybe that knowing more would help him feel less anxious and concerned about Tsukishima, but if anything it did the opposite. Some places said that it’s not uncommon for those with panic disorders to become agoraphobic, _What if that happens to Tsukishima?! He wouldn’t be able to come to school anymore!_ Asahi fretted as he dragged himself out of bed, getting ready to leave for morning practice.

                Arriving a little earlier than usual, thanks to his lack of sleep, Asahi stands at the entrance of the gym with dark circles starting to form around his eyes, struggling to stay awake as Sugawara and Daichi arrive with the keys.

                “Are you okay Asahi?” Daichi asks, noticing the ace’s dishevelled look, “You look really tired,”

                “Are you sleeping okay?” Sugawara starting asking in a worried voice, before whispering, “It’s not your anxiety is it? Did it give you insomnia or something?”

                “No, it’s fine Suga,” Asahi assured him, yawning a little as he did so, stopping the vice captain from going off on some concerned tangent over whether or not his anxiety was getting worse. He tried not to tell them too much about it, they always got weird whenever he did, but he told himself it was just because they cared. “I just stayed up most of the night, that’s all,” he admitted a little sheepishly.

                “What were you doing all night?” Sugawara asked, still a little concerned.

                “It was nothi- Oh! Tsukishima, you came!” Asahi cut himself off while speaking to Sugawara, spotting the first year coming down from the club room, a little part of him relieved that he had not in fact become agoraphobic overnight. “Uh, sorry Suga, I have to go talk to Tsukishima about, uh, something,” he excused himself, wandering over to where Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were waiting for the captain to open the gym.

                “Hey, uh Tsukishima,” Asahi greeted as he approached, giving a small wave to Yamaguchi as well who smiled back, Tsukishima just giving him a blank stare, “I was wondering if I could talk to you, uh, about what you said last night?”

                Tsukishima’s eyes widened slightly before narrowing hardly, causing Asahi to baulk,

                “No, I still believe you, I just, uh, I couldn’t help but go look it up and, I think I found something,” Asahi mumbled, noticing Tsukishima’s continued glare not lessening as he’d hoped. “Um, yeah, don’t worry, it was probably nothing. I’m sure you would have researched it yourself long ago anyway, so you probably already realised it wasn’t right,”

                “What are you talking about?” Yamaguchi asked, curious as to what Asahi was going on about to not have just been immediately fobbed off by Tsukishima.

                “Dinosaurs,” Tsukishima stated before Asahi could have a chance to say anything, “We have practice now – I’ll come find you at lunch,” Tsukishima said before walking off swiftly, Yamaguchi in tow, as the captain unlocked the gym doors. Asahi took a moment to realise what had just happened – had Tsukishima actually agreed to talk to him, and that he would come and find him?!


	15. Delinquent's Alley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Here is the newest chapter - we get some more Tsukishima POV! (I'm thinking of sprinkling this in every now and again, but the fic will largely be from Asahi's perspective, just because I fell it makes the most sense that way)  
> Also, some changes in general: With my KageHina fic pretty much done, I'm going to change the way I update slightly, just to make it a bit easier on myself. This fic is going to be updated Saturdays and Thursdays, as opposed to every other day. I know that means fewer updates, but I kinda felt like the current schedule was a bit too much, especially since I'm probably going to be getting busier with my actual studies over the next few months. I may still update in addition to that if I'm feeling particularly inspired, or I have a lot of free time that week, but otherwise it'll just be the twice a week.  
> (For those reading my other fics, I will update the sequel/companion to my KageHina fic on Wednesdays and Sundays and my Fujoshi Kiyoko series on Mondays :D )
> 
> Thanks for all the support and understanding,
> 
> nightshade

                Yamaguchi gave him a few odd stares during practice, but he didn’t say anything, for now anyway. It took actual effort not to stare daggers at the stupid ace the whole time, _Why would you just start talking like that in front of Yamaguchi?!_ he screamed silently, _I’m surprised he hasn’t already tried to interrogate me – it’s surely obvious that we weren’t talking about dinosaurs_. After his initial irritation began to subside, the first year began to think more about what Asahi had actually said.

                _Why was he even looking up that kind of stuff?_ he wondered accusingly, _It’s not like it’s any of his business_. Tsukishima felt Yamaguchi’s concern beside him, forcing him to make a conscious effort not to pout, focusing on keeping his face passive. Even though he kept grumbling internally about how Asahi should just mind his own business, Tsukishima couldn’t help but wonder what it was the boy wanted to tell him. He’d said he’d believed him, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. Akiteru had done that – told him that he believed him – only to find out he was lying. Lying about everything, just because he thought his little brother was some pathetic problem child who’d probably throw a fit or something. Just because Asahi said he believed him, didn’t mean he did.

 

                *******

 

                Asahi sat in class, paying little attention to the teacher. He would occasionally scribble down some notes about what she was saying, only to get caught up in his own fretting until the teacher happened to do something to snap him out of it again. _What does Tsukishima want?_ Asahi worried, _I-it’s just so I can tell him what I found, right? Then why did he seem so scary when he said it?!_ The ace worried that perhaps Tsukishima regretted confiding in him last night, perhaps he was worried he would tell everyone even though he’d promised he wouldn’t. What if he tried to make sure he couldn’t tell anyone?!

                When the bell rang signalling the end of class, Asahi was to wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice, not realising until Sugawara and Daichi dragged some desks over to the ace’s, sitting down to have lunch together.

                “It’s lunch time,” Sugawara explained with a laugh when the ace startled in response to the two dragging another desk over, “You know maybe you should go to the nurse’s office and try and sleep a little if you’re that out of it?”

                “Ah, no, I’ll be fine Suga – really,” the ace reassured him, “I’m sure I’ll perk up a little after I’ve had something to eat,” The setter seemed to accept Asahi’s reasoning, still watching him with apprehension though as the ace pulled out his lunch and began picking at his vegetables. They’d been sitting for a few minutes, Daichi and Sugawara talking about something that had happened in their class before, Asahi absently listening along and nodding occasionally, when there was a murmur from the front of the class.

All three turned around to see what had caused the small disruption, to see a few students clustered near the door.

                “Is that Tsukishima?” Daichi asked when he noticed the blond first year, at least half a head above most of the third years, striding into the room with determination. He walked right up to where the three of them were sitting, stopping in front of them and motioning to Asahi,

                “Follow, now,” the first year ordered tersely, seeming uncomfortable. Asahi wasn’t sure if it was from the attention of all the third years or what, but it seemed like he wanted to hurry things along as much as he could.

                “Tsukishima, you can’t just walk in here and-“ Sugawara starting hissing at the blond, before Asahi interrupted him.

                “Uh, it’s okay Suga – I forgot I promised to do something with Tsukishima,” Asahi fumbled as he quickly packed up his things, while the first year tapped his foot impatiently, “I’ll, uh, see you at practice, I guess,” With that Tsukishima began his hurried departure, Asahi awkwardly trying to keep up with him as the rest of the classroom whispered to each other. Tsukishima seemed a little more relaxed after they’d left behind Asahi’s curious classmates (he wasn’t looking forward to the new rumours of delinquency this whole thing would probably create), but he still kept up his rapid pace and stiff posture.

                At first Asahi assumed they were heading towards the bench near the edge of school, but Tsukishima walked right past the spot to turn off.

                “That’d be the first place Yamaguchi would look,” Tsukishima explained haughtily when he heard Asahi begin to ask, “He’s occupied, but probably not for too long,”

                “You don’t want Yamaguchi to know?” Asahi asked, confused. Tsukishima just ignored the question, huffing as if the answer was obvious, which Asahi supposed at this point it probably was. They ended up in a small alley between the back of the library and an old shed used as storage by the sports department. Asahi _really_ hoped no one saw them, recognising the spot as one of the places more shady students might go to smoke, indicated by the one or tweo cigarette butts on the ground.

                Asahi stood there, looking at Tsukishima who’d stopped and turned to look at him expectantly.

                “Well?” the boy asked sharply, “What did you want to tell me?”

                “Um,” Asahi mumbled, hoping the embarrassed flush in his cheeks wasn’t noticeable, “It’s probably stupid but, uh, I looked up a bunch of stuff and thought maybe I found an explanation for your attacks,” Asahi flinched a little when he looked up from his wringing hands to see Tsukishima glaring at him,

                “I told you-“ he started angrily,

                “No, no,” Asahi tried to stop him, “I meant, uh, an explanation as to why you just have attacks without a reason,”

                “O-oh,” Tsukishima stuttered, looking a little embarrassed himself, but still ready to be on the offensive at a moment’s notice, “Well... what is it then?”

                “Um, it’s probably stupid, I mean, it’s not like you don’t have the internet too, so you probably already know it’s not-“

                “Just spit it out,” Tsukishima said, irritated by the ace’s ramblings.

                “Well, um,” Asahi struggled to talk under the first year’s intimidating stare, “I thought maybe you might have a panic disorder, rather tahn, you know, anxiety...” The ace just stood there, ready for Tsukishima to yell at him that he was wrong and was wasting his time, but nothing happened. He looked to the blond to see him fidgeting a little.

                “And, wh-what’s a panic disorder?” Tsukishima tried to ask nonchalantly, hesitant to admit that he didn’t know what the ace was talking about.

                “Well, from what I read, it mostly sounded like anxiety, but without the anxiety, I guess?” Asahi answered, very unhelpfully. “Um, it’s pretty much you have these panic attacks, but they can just be random, with no reason or trigger or something,” he clarified.

                “Oh, okay,” Tsukishima muttered quietly, pausing for a moment before continuing, “If that’s all then,” he announced dismissively, walking off.

                “Wait!” Asahi called, grabbing the boy’s shoulder and stopping him, “Is that, um, do you think maybe that’s what you have, or...?”

                “I don’t know,” Tsukishima answered a little lamely at first before turning to face Asahi angrily, shrugging off the ace’s grip on his shoulder, “Why do you even care? Just... mind your own business,”

                “Eh, but – but I was just really worried, and-“

                “I don’t need you to worry about me,” Tsukishima spat, walking off again, this time without being stopped by the ace, “Worry about yourself first,” The blond left Asahi standing awkwardly at the entrance to the secluded alleyway, until he was driven off by a trio of actual delinquents unhappy to find their smoking spot already occupied. Asahi meandered back to class, thankful the delinquents had only felt the need to give him a few dirty looks because of his appearance. _Why am I so worried about Tsukishima?_ he thought to himself as he re-ran the whole conversation he’d had with Tsukishima over and over in his head. _He’s probably right, it’s not like I’m really in a position to be giving advice_ , he chastised himself, returning to class just in time to slump into his chair as the teacher came in to begin class. He sighed to himself, _I’m still worried about him though_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. You're always free to come talk to me about whatever on tumblr, even if the time zones are a little bit tricky I will reply as soon as I see it <3  
> http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/


	16. I Hope It's (Not) Cancer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey everybody :D
> 
> It's me again, with another chapter of AsaTsukki feels. And yes, this chapter has zero dialogue! *Achievement Unlocked*  
> Reminder for those who might have missed it: this fic will now be updated Thursdays & Saturdays  
> I hope you guys enjoy, and I hope Asahi doesn't have cancer - that would suck :(
> 
> nightshade

                _I don’t need you to worry about me. Worry about yourself first..._ Tsukishima’s words kept echoing around in Asahi’s head as he sat through class, trying to pay enough attention that he wouldn’t need to ask someone else for their notes again. He gripped the pencil tightly in his hand, methodically writing out what was on the board, not even registering the words he was copying as he struggled to keep his mind in check, but he kept finding himself going back to Tsukishima, walking away from him and telling him not to care.

                _But I do care_ , Asahi thought in exasperation as the bell rang, dropping his pencil to the desk with a sigh as the students around him began packing up. _I mean, I would care if anyone on the team was suffering from anxiety – or a panic disorder, or whatever. It’s just normal, right?_ He dawdled as he put away his things, shouldering his bag and making his way to the gym for practice. He’d probably be late, and Daichi would probably give him that look that said he was giving a bad example to the first years, but he couldn’t bring himself to go about any faster.

                He just couldn’t help but be scared, what if Tsukishima had another attack when he or Yamaguchi weren’t there to help them. He’d probably just try to hide it, the same as he’d done in front of Nishinoya, but that couldn’t be healthy, right? The sounds of volleyballs bouncing off the court could already be heard coming out of the open gym doors when Asahi arrived, Daichi as predicted giving him a reprimanding stare before Sugawara said something to him, presumably apologising on his behalf. Daichi strode over, gruffly directing him over to where a few of the others were doing diving drills, clearly still a little miffed about his tardiness.

                Nishinoya crowed in greeting, quickly joined by Tanaka and Hinata, as he joined the group, waving meekly to them as he got in line behind them. They quickly went back to their conversation, not paying him much heed, only the occasional break in banter as they took turns to slide across the floor. Asahi scanned the court for Tsukishima, spying the tall blond with Yamaguchi and the other second years, doing general stamina drills. He watched the boy keenly, poised for any sign that something would go wrong, that he might be about to suffer an attack, worried now that he knew it could happen at anytime without warning.

                This was a nightmare, how did Tsukishima deal with this? Never knowing, always living in fear of the next attack. Asahi supposed perhaps it was different for him, he couldn’t help but be anxious. Maybe Tsukishima was able to behave more rationally, it was just his own predilection for doubts and concerns that were making him feel this way. But he remembered reading that a lot of people with panic disorders really did worry about it, to the point they were too terrified to even leave the house lest they have an attack in public.

                Just the thought of Tsukishima having to live in fear like that was enough to terrify Asahi, he couldn’t stand the thought of it. He knew enough of the struggles of living with anxiety, that he didn’t want Tsukishima to have to deal with anything even remotely similar to it. _But what can I do?_ Asahi wallowed in his own helplessness, _Tsukishima won’t listen to me – he doesn’t want my help..._

               Practice was not particularly productive for Asahi, getting caught thrice by Nishinoya and once by Tanaka zoning out, although thankfully they couldn’t tell that he’d been starting at Tsukishima (at least he hoped, he didn’t want Nishinoya to bother Tsukishima again). He trudged towards the school gates, waving good bye to Daichi and Sugawara as they walked the other direction. When he turned to walk home, he noticed Tsukishima standing idly at the gates, looking bored. Before he could approach he heard Yamaguchi calling out, running up to the boy and apologising for taking so long.

                As they walked off, Yamaguchi chattering away to the ever silent Tsukishima, Asahi looked after them, remembering how not that long ago he’d assumed they were together. It wasn’t hard to see why when he looked at them now, literally walking off together into the sunset. Looking after them gave him an odd nauseous feeling in his stomach, and he was glad the team hadn’t gone for pork buns after practice today. He sighed, hoping he wasn’t coming down with a stomach bug, trudging off in the direction of home.

 

                *******

 

                _What does he even want?_ Tsukishima thought to himself, ignoring whatever Yamaguchi was prattling on about as he walked next to him. He only really listened to him half of the time anyway, not that Yamaguchi really seemed to mind. Contrary to first appearances, the boy was actually quite a chatterbox, he just didn’t have many people he felt comfortable enough with to let it all out. _He’s not the sort to use it against me or anything – not that he could given he’s practically in the same boat_ , Tsukishima pondered, trying to figure out why on earth this third year kept meddling with his life. _We’re not friends – we hardly even spoke to each other before any of this. If it were coming from Yamaguchi I might understand, but we’re practically strangers._  And then came the crux of the matter, _But even Yamaguchi won’t believe me... He does, he even went to the trouble of trying to diagnose me for Christ’s sake! He looked as if he’d stayed up all night doing so too – why?!_

               He was still in two minds about this whole ‘panic disorder’ thing. From what Asahi had said, it did seem to maybe fit, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t even know if he cared. Despite the ace’s assumptions, he’d never really made any effort to try and figure out what was wrong with him beyond a cursory look of the few things his mother had given him when she’d first tried to get him to see a professional. All he’d known is they’d been trying to make out he was some crybaby, who freaked out every time someone said something mean to him – as if he were so melodramatic. He’d cooperated enough to learn there was nothing physically wrong with him – he wasn’t actually going to die from these attacks, no matter how much it might feel it at the time – so beyond that he didn’t really care to know. But know he knew that there were other people like him, that actual doctors might believe him for once if he had a name for it, he wondered if maybe it was something worth looking in to.

 

                *******

 

                Asahi stared at the ceiling. He should be exhausted, he was, but he couldn’t fall asleep. Whenever he shut his eyes it didn’t take long for flashes of Tsukishima to turn up, taunting him and giving him that weird nauseous feeling. His mother had already assured him – twice – that he was not feverish, so he wasn’t delusional or anything. He also probably wasn’t sick at all, despite the nausea. He wondered if perhaps this was some newly developed symptom of his anxiety, one he hadn’t heard of before. Too tired to began going through his own materials, despite them still being scattered across his desk from last night, he decided to return to the internet. It hadn’t failed him last time after all – as long as it didn’t tell him he had cancer.

                He typed his vague symptoms into Google, expecting to find maybe a result or two about anxiety. Instead he found a bunch of forum posts by teenage girls talking about their crushes. Asahi blushed, _It must be cancer_ , he hoped to himself. The warmth in his face didn’t go away for a while though, especially when his blush started to be mirrored in his mental flashes of Tsukishima’s face, cheeks and ears now tinged slightly with pink.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. It's not cancer <3


	17. The Wrong Side of the Bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Sorry I didn't post on Thursday, my bad - I'll try and post something tomorrow as well to make up for it : )  
> I just had a good old case of writer's block I think, but I seem to have worked through it now
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                “Call me if you need something, okay dear,” his mother asked as she stood in the door. She was a mouse-like woman, small stature with long wispy brown hair pulled back into a messy ponytail.

                “I promise, good bye mum,” Asahi mumbled, breathing a sigh of relief as she closed the door behind her. When he heard the front door open and close downstairs he knew she’d left for work. He rolled back over in bed, pulling the covers over his head despite it already being 9:30. He never liked having to tell his mother that he needed to stay home whenever he could feel his anxiety starting to build up, and truth be told had sometimes tried to ignore it and go to school anyway. Sometimes he managed to endure, but sometimes he ended up breaking down in the middle of class and that was not an enjoyable experience either at the time, or for the following week. So when he’d woken up that morning, only to be almost immediately greeted by a plethora of nagging and doubtful voices tugging at the edges of his mind, he’d just pulled the covers over his head and resigned himself to having a horrible day.

                One thing that concerned him though was that his anxiety seemed to have discovered new avenues to explore. Typically he would endure the feelings of inadequacy when it came to volleyball, studies, his ability to interact with other, but today’s doubts seemed to have a new target in mind. _I don’t need your pity... I don’t need you to worry about me... Just leave me alone..._ Tsukishima’s biting voice prodded at him as he curled up further under the blanket.

                He couldn’t help but feel like Tsukishima hated him, and it gnawed away at him deep inside, more than it should. Why should he care what Tsukishima thought - he was right, they weren’t friends – all they did was play volleyball together, and coincidentally go to the same anxiety support group. The only time Tsukishima had ever even spoken to him was just to threaten him into keeping quiet or leaving him alone, it was always him who’d approached Tsukishima. He probably did hate him, why wouldn’t he? All he did was keep bothering him, getting in his way, never listening when he told him to get lost. What was he trying to do, help? How could he help Tsukishima, look at how pathetic he was, huddled under a pile of blankets in bed because he was too scared to leave, because he knew it was pointless to even try. Tsukishima was right, he should be more worried about himself.

                After a few hours, definitely after noon, Asahi cracked his eyes open and peeked out from under his covers. He’d drifted back and forth between restless sleep and waking anxiety, only tentatively emerging from his cocoon of blankets now because of a suddenly urgent need to use the toilet. Reluctantly he swung his legs out from the bed, having to take a moment to balance himself when he stood up too fast. He quickly waddled out of his room and across the hall to the toilet, quickly relieving himself. As he washed his hands he realised how thirsty he was, so he slowly trod downstairs to fetch a glass of water.

                He grabbed a glass for the drying rack, downing a full glass of water straight from the sink tap before refilling it, sipping this one more slowly. Having drunk something seemed to have awoken his appetite too as he opened the fridge, browsing the shelves until he found some leftover curry from earlier in the week. He put the whole lot in the microwave, sipping his water as he waited, having to refill it again as the timer started beeping. Pulling the steaming food out of the microwave, he quickly ran it over to the dining room table, placing it down before he dropped it and returning to the kitchen for his glass of water and some cutlery.

                Blowing gently he began slowly eating the curry, quickly looking down to see he’d eaten most of it in the short time he’d been sitting there, apparently a lot hungrier than he’d thought. He noticed his mind seemed to be a little clearer now that he’d had a proper meal, but didn’t dare ponder it for more than a second lest he jinx himself. After he’d put the dirtied cutlery and container in the sink to be washed later, he wondered into the living room and flopped down on the couch wondering if perhaps he should watch some TV. As he looked around for the remote, he instead spotted his phone, earbuds still attached. He grabbed the device, tentatively plugging the earbuds in as he brought up one of his favourite ASMR videos. He’d found them a long time a go on YouTube, thinking at first that it was perhaps some kind of bizarre fetish. Why he’d bothered to listen to one he can’t remember, but he was thankful he did. He tended to find the sounds calming, sometimes he would listen to them when he was feeling particularly anxious, liking the way the sounds seemed to loosen his whole body making it all tingly.

                He was already halfway through a playlist of his favourites when a break in between videos allowed him to hear an insistent knocking at the front door. Hastily pulling his earbuds out, he dashed to the front door, only realising he was still in his pyjamas when he got there, shrugging and opening the door anyway. Sugawara stood on his doorstep, poised to knock again when the door swung open slightly.

                “Asahi!” Sugawara cried, “Oh, thank goodness – I was worried you were inside somewhere and-,

                “Suga? What are you doing here?” he looked back into the house for a moment at the clock hanging on the wall in the living room, “Shouldn’t you be at practice now?”

                “Yes,” Sugawara started explaining, letting himself into the house as he walked past Asahi, “But I wanted to come see you when you didn’t show at school today. I was worried about you and, you know, how your were doing?” Asahi cringed a little internally at Sugawara’s not so subtle reference to his mental health.

               “How did you know I didn’t just have a cold or something?” he asked, following as Sugawara walked into his kitchen, “You don’t normally come over just because I miss a day, at least not without calling first,”

                “Well at first I wasn’t too worried,” Sugawara admitted as he began looking through the cupboards in the kitchen, tutting as he looked around, “But Tsukishima seemed concerned over something that happened with you, so I decided to come see for myself,”

                “Tsukishima?!” Asahi spluttered, dreading to think what the boy might’ve said about him, already feeling some of the nagging doubts from earlier starting to worm they way back into his head. “Wait, what are you doing?” Asahi asked, distracted by Sugawara who now appeared to be pulling things out of his fridge.

                “I’m making you something to eat, I read that that can be helpful,” he explained as he began to set things out on the bench top.

                “You don’t have to do that, I’m not hungry,” Asahi told him, Sugawara turning to him in shock.

                “Asahi, you have to eat! Are you not eating, you have to keep hydrated-“

                “Suga! I just ate three helpings of curry an hour ago. I’m not hungry,” Asahi stated in exasperation, indicating to the dirty dishes in the sink.

                “Oh, well, um, that’s good then,” Sugawara tried to recover, slowly taking things and placing them back where he found them as Asahi moved to help, “So, it’s not your anxiety? You were just sick, or...?”

                “No,” Asahi admitted reluctantly, as he began putting things back on the shelf, “My anxiety was really bad this morning so, um, I thought it best I stay at home today,”

                “But are you okay now? Is there something I can do?” Sugawara started asking, mother hen that he tended to be when it came to Asahi.

                “No Suga, it’s fine,” Asahi reassured him as he put the last thing away, “I’m feeling a bit better now, I’ll probably be fine to go back tomorrow,”

                “Well, okay then,” Sugawara seemed to be hesitant to accept Asahi’s words, still wanting to be some kind of help to his friend.

                “Why don’t you stay a while though, there’s probably not much point in you going back to practice now,” Asahi offered, Sugawara happily accepting the invitation as the two of them walked into the living room.


	18. Sugawara's Home Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there readers ;D
> 
> Here is the extra chapter I promised for being late with the updates. Hopefully I'll be able to update on time this Thursday *fingers crossed*
> 
> nightshade

                Sugawara sat down on the single chair while Asahi retook his position on the main couch, quickly switching off his phone which was still playing ASMR videos. He didn’t particularly want to explain that to Sugawara right now, even though it wasn’t weird he wasn’t sure he could explain it without it seeming that way. He smiled back awkwardly at Sugawara who was smiling at him expectantly as he wracked his brain for some topic of conversation.

                “Oh,” he started, not even thinking, just latching onto the first topic he could think of to end the awkward silence, “You mentioned Tsukishima was concerned about me,” He realised his folly when he noticed Sugawara’s face light up as he remembered that fact as well.

                “Yes, I was meaning to ask you about that,” he inquired eagerly, “Why exactly is Tsukishima worried over you? Did something happen?”

                “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Asahi stammered, “Wh-what even makes you think he was worried – Did he say something?” Asahi couldn’t imagine Tsukishima being concerned over him, let alone worried enough to ask Sugawara. Yesterday’s debacle only made it seem even less likely.

                “Well, no, not so much,” Sugawara admitted, tone suggesting there would be a caveat, “Rather Yamaguchi came over and asked me about why you weren’t at practice and if you were coming to school. All while Tsukishima stood on the other side of the court glaring intently until Yamaguchi ran back over to seemingly report what little I’d had to say,”

                Asahi was silent for a moment, trying to figure out what it had meant. Why would Tsukishima care? He hated him, had told him not to bother him anymore and that he didn’t want anything to do with him. Perhaps it had been Yamaguchi who’d been concerned, and Tsukishima had just been annoyed – Yes, that seemed much more likely. Although Asahi hated the slight twinge he felt when he realised that Tsukishima most likely did not care what had happened to him.

                “Well?” Sugawara prodded, “Why is Tsukishima worried? Did he do something to you the other day?... Does he know about your anxiety?!” Sugawara immediately picked up on the guilty flinch Asahi made a the last question. “Oh my god, how? You didn’t tell Daichi or I for ages and we’re your best friends! Did he threaten you or something?”

                “No, no Suga,” Asahi tried to calm him, “I, um, he knows but, uh... it’s fine okay,”

                “How does he know though? I mean, _did_ you tell him?” Sugawara asked

                “No? Yes? Kind of, it’s complicated – I can’t really say – but yes, Tsukishima knows I have anxiety, and no it’s nothing you need to be worried about,” Asahi tried to explain, noting the concerned look still on Sugawara’s face, “Trust me, it’s fine,”

                “Okay...” Sugawara conceded, “But if he tries to bother you about it, come tell me. You shouldn’t let him try and tease you about it or anything, okay?”

                “Yes Suga,” Asahi sighed, wishing that he wouldn’t be so overcautious and protective. Just because he had anxiety didn’t mean he was going to fall to pieces every time something bad happened... just some of the time. At least it was better than Daichi, Asahi thought thankfully as Sugawara continued on to some new topic about what he and Daichi had done at lunch that day. Daichi normally didn’t seem to take notice of it, which Asahi was content with, but whenever the topic came up, either in conversation or in life, he would always become weird. He had once admitted he didn’t really know what to do and didn’t really get it, so he was prone to just becoming awkward and trying to push through the whole thing as quickly as possible so he could go back to pretending it wasn’t a thing.

                Sugawara ended up staying until his mother came back home, scolding him for having company while still wearing his pyjamas from the night before, provoking a small giggle from Sugawara at his expense. She asked if Sugawara wanted to stay for dinner, but he politely declined, saying his mother wanted him home for dinner tonight and that he had some homework he’d been putting off.

                Asahi didn’t notice when his mother looked in at him in the living room at one point while she was making dinner. She’d noticed the dirty dishes, and had seen him smiling a bit when Sugawara had been here before. Smiling slightly, she went back into the kitchen to make dinner, happy that her son seemed to be over the worst of it for today. Whenever he got particularly bad she’d always felt dreadful, feeling like there should be something should be doing and it had taken her a while to accept that sometimes she just had to be waiting for him with a smile and a hot meal. She was glad though that he had friends who cared as well, especially when they were able to help when she couldn’t, it gave her hope that her son’s life needn’t be ruined by his anxiety.

 

                *******

 

                Tsukishima tapped his foot incessantly on the concrete outside the gym doors, Yamaguchi fiddling with his hands while they waited for Daichi to come down and unlock the gym. To Yamaguchi’s surprise Tsukishima had texted him that morning, saying he was going in earlier than usual so not to wait for him where he normally did. Of course Yamaguchi was still standing there when Tsukishima walked past, not particularly surprised that the boy had still been there to walk to school with him.

                Yamaguchi was just curious about what could get Tsukishima to come in early. He’d hard a hard enough time making sure he came in to practice on time as is, given Tsukshima’s long lived distaste for rising early. He’d wondered if it had had to do with his strange request yesterday to ask Sugawara about Asahi, but hadn’t dared ask.

                _Hurry up_ , Tsukishima thought, willing Daichi to hurry up and open the gym, cold morning air already starting to seep into his bones now that he’d been standing still for more than five minutes. _Is he normally here by now? I don’t know, I’ve never been here this early_ , he thought in agitation, foot tapping increasing in tempo as he became irritated, huffing in both annoyance and relief when he saw Daichi heading over with the keys. _Where is that stupid ace, he better show up this time_.

                When Asahi hadn’t shown up at practice yesterday morning, Tsukishima had first just assumed that he was running late – he sometimes was, much to the captain’s displeasure. But after practice had largely finished and he still hadn’t shown up, Tsukishima began to wonder if he was coming to school at all. When he thought back to what he’d said to the boy the day before, he’d started to feel a bit guilty. _If that stupid idiot’s staying home because of me... What do I even care, let him stay home if he’s that pathetic!_ he thought in exasperation, tired of feeling responsible for something that wasn’t his fault. That still didn’t stop him from being irritated all morning until Asahi rushed into the gym, five minutes late.

                Tsukishima felt a moment of... something, quickly replaced by irritation that he’d felt anything at all. Why should he even care if Asahi shows up? He didn’t, he just didn’t want people blaming him for not treating the poor thing with kid gloves and making him run off home. That was all.


	19. Asahi Has A Lunch Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, am I ever going to actually update on a Thursday? :P
> 
> Sorry about that, I got a whole lot of work at uni dumped on me unexpectedly, but it's an extra long chapter to compensate?  
> I do have a plan to prevent unexpected stuff like that happening in future though, so I should stick to the scheduled update times from now on :D
> 
> Thanks for reading,
> 
> nightshade

                “You look kind of tired today Tsukki,” Yamaguchi asked, joining up with Tsukishima as he walked to school. Tsukishima just threw a pointed look at the boy, as if he’d stated the obvious. “I mean, more of a I didn’t go to bed until late sleepy, rather than I had to get up early sleepy,” Yamaguchi clarified.

                “Why can’t it be both?” Tsukishima mumbled in response, mentally berating himself for responding to a question with a meme. He was better than that.

                “So you did stay up late?” Yamaguchi asked, Tsukishima sighing as he realised that he had bigger problems than his dwindling supply of original snappy retorts, “What were you doing? Homework?” Tsukishima didn’t respond, just increasing his pace evr so slightly so that Yamaguchi was forced to speed walk in order to keep up with him. “Did you have another one of your attacks?” the boy asked in a worried voice.

                “No.” Tsukishima stated through gritted teeth, wishing the boy would just drop it. So what if he had had an attack in the middle of the night, it’s not like anyone was around to see it. All that happened was he lost a little sleep, not the greatest thing ever, but hardly the end of the world.

                “Tsukki!” Yamaguchi whined, “I thought you promised you’d tell me if another one happened! Did you at least tell your mum?”

                “No.” Tsukishima spat again, “I don’t see why it matters, what would be the point in telling you anyway?” Thankfully they’d just turned onto the street the school was on, as persistent as Yamaguchi could be, Tsukishima knew he’d keep his mouth shut once others were around. He was almost at the gates when he turned to look behind him, wondering why Yamaguchi hadn’t taken his last chance to pester him about it. Rather than finding Yamaguchi one step behind him as always, he was standing in the middle of the path a few metres back, wringing his hands anxiously.

                “What now?” Tsukishima asked in exasperation, wondering what new way Yamaguchi was going to try and guilt trip him into doing what he wanted, like he always did.

                “Is... Is it because I spilt my soda on you yesterday?” Yamaguchi asked, looking at his hands rather than looking Tsukishima in the eyes.

                “What?” Tsukishima responded, confused as to what Yamaguchi was talking about.

                “Yesterday afternoon when I spilt my soda on you after practice, you said it made your legs all sticky and gross...” Yamaguchi mumbled, Tsukishima having to strain to hear what the boy was muttering about, “Is that why you had another attack?”

                “What?!” Tsukishima exclaimed, “Are you some kind of idiot? Why would I even care about something as stupid as that?!”

                “I don’t know!” Yamaguchi cried, finally looking up at Tsukishima, eyes already wet, “I don’t know what’s wrong Tsukki! You won’t tell me, or anyone else – I’m scared everything I do is going to set you off and I won’t realise it’s happening!”

                “Shut up,” Tsukishima muttered under his breath, “You’re my best friend, you’d never do something like that,”

                “If I’m your best friend why won’t you just tell me then Tsukki?” Yamaguchi pleaded, “Why? Why won’t you let me help?”

                “I told you, you can’t do anything!” Tsukishima growled, not wanting to have this argument for the millionth time, already knowing how it’s going to play out, “I’m not upset, or depressed or whatever – it just happens, okay,”

                “It is me, isn’t it?” Yamaguchi asked, “That’s why you won’t tell me – you’re just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings,” Tsukishima just huffed in irritation before storming off into the school, heading for the club room so he could get changed for practice.

                _Why does he keep doing this?_ he thought to himself bitterly, as he threw his bag roughly to the ground, quickly changing into his volleyball gear so that he could try and avoid Yamaguchi. _It always ends the same bloody way – why does no one ever listen?!_ He stood still for a moment, breathing heavily through his nose, fists clenched at his sides, as he tried to calm down. _Asahi did_ , his subconscious provides, provoking him to remember that the ace had indeed believed him. Had even went off and researched it for him, kept trying to help him. And he told him to get lost.

                He kicked the wall angrily, thankful afterwards that he hadn’t left a mark, before sweeping out of the room and heading off to the gym, silently passing Yamaguchi as he went up to get changed. He spent the entire morning practice by himself, Yamaguchi chumming it up with the idiot duo, looking wistfully at him every now and again. He noticed Asahi did too, although probably not for the same reasons. Tsukishima sighed, pinching his nose in annoyance, why did other people have to act like this?

 

                *******

 

                Asahi is sitting at his desk, lost for a moment in the bustle of students entering and exiting the classroom, off to go meet up with their friends, or rushing to the cafeteria, after the bell signalling the start of lunch had rung. Sighing, he grabbed his lunch from his bag and sat back down at his desk, resigning himself to a solitary meal today. Daichi and Sugawara had warned him this morning after practice that they were likely going to be unable to meet for lunch today – they had an urgent assignment they were behind on. Asahi figured if they did end up finishing early, they knew where to find him.

                As he untied the knot on the top of his bento, unfolding the cloth cover, his thoughts drifted to Tsukishima’s odd behaviour and practice that morning. He’d seemed somewhat distant from Yamaguchi, especially considering they were normally as thick as thieves. As if his pondering had summoned him, at that moment Tsukishima entered the classroom.

                He strode in, as self assured as the last time despite him being a first year entering a third year classroom uninvited and unaccompanied. Solemnly sweeping across the room, he pulled a chair out from a nearby desk, swinging it in front of Asahi’s and sitting himself down with out a word of introduction.

                Yamaguchi is next to follow, almost immediately after Tsukishima, but is clearly a lot more nervous about entering a third year class, scurrying over to Tsukishima before anyone can ask him what he’s doing there. He’s seemingly trying to apologise to Tsukishima for _something_ , but Asahi isn’t entirely sure what and Tsukishima doesn’t even appear to flinch in response to Yamaguchi’s quiet pleas.

                “Uh, what’s wrong?” Asahi asks both of them, a little uncomfortable with both the hushed confrontation going on in front of him as well as what his class mates must think given the rumours that already seemed to follow him everywhere. At this point Tsukishima apparently decides to explain himself to Asahi, still blatantly refusing to acknowledge Yamaguchi’s presence while still somehow making it clear he is talking about him,

                “I just felt like eating lunch with someone who _doesn’t_ consider me a liar?” Tsukishima explains in a mild mannered tone, Yamaguchi flustering beside him.

                “That’s not fair Tsukki! I didn’t mean-“ Yamaguchi starts to ramble in a whispered voice, trying not to cause too much of a scene, when Tsukishima cuts him off with the thud of his bento, seemingly pulled out of nowhere, as he places it squarely on Asahi’s desk. As he deftly loosens the knot on top and begins precisely folding the cloth up neatly in preparation for the meal, Yamaguchi figures he’s not going to be forgiven any time soon.

                “Um, sorry,” Yamaguchi mumbles to Asahi, who’s not sure if he’s apologising for his own actions or Tsukishima’s – perhaps both – before he slinks out of the room, defeated. He pauses only at the door, looking back to see Tsukishima still ignoring him, before rushing off to wherever he was going.

                Asahi turned to look at Tsukishima, wanting to ask him what was going on, when he was distracted by the contents of his bento. More than half of it was a diverse collection of sweets and baked goods, the most eye-catching of which were half a dozen miniature cupcakes with a generous dollop of pastel pink icing and sprinkled with little white and silver flecks.

                “Um,” Asahi starts, distracted by the cavity waiting to happen that was on the table in front of him, “... Is that what you normally eat for lunch?” he caved and asked. He was just so thrown off balance by the discovery. Tsukishima gave him a disapproving look, as if he was already predicting an incoming lecture on health and nutrition being important for a growing boy.

                “I suppose one of the few... advantages, to being a presumed psychotic breakdown waiting to happen is that my mother pretty much lets me eat what I want,” he explained matter-of-factly, “Maybe she’s worried if I don’t satisfy my sweet tooth, I’ll snap?” Asahi struggles to stifle his small smile at the absurdity of it all.

                “Here, have one if you want,” Tsukishima offers, pushing his bento forward slightly when he notices Asahi still looking curiously at the six little cupcakes. Asahi hesitates for a moment, they look like they might be expensive, but he doesn’t want to seem rude so he reaches for the one closest to him. He’s about to pick it up when his hand is lightly slapped away, making him recoil in confusion.

                “You can have _this_ one,” Tsukishima clarifies, carefully selecting the smallest one and holding it out, looking away with a grimace as if he’s giving up an organ or something. Asahi just smiles a little, _So adorable_. His smile drops, _Adorable?_ He quickly takes the cupcake, trying not to seem to suspicious as he tries to calm down his panicking mind. _What about Tsukishima could possibly be possess me to describe him as_ adorable _?!_

                He lifts the delicate cupcake to his mouth, taking a tentative bit of it. As the texture and taste of it rolls across his tongue he can’t help but concede that they are delicious, it’s no wonder Tsukishima didn’t want to give one up. Maybe he should ask him where he bought them from. They looked and tasted like they came from some fancy French bakery or something, but maybe he could buy some for his mother’s birthday.

                “Where did you buy these?” Asahi asks after reluctantly swallowing the last of the cupcake, regretting that he’d eaten it so quickly, “They’re really good!” Tsukishima just gives him a weird choked look.

                “I made them,” he mumbles, trying to act nonchalant about it

                “ _You_ made them?” Asahi asks incredulously, never having pegged Tsukishima for the type that could cook, let alone bake something like that.

                “Of course, what’s the big deal?” Tsukishima tried to play it off, “They’re not _that_ good, you think I couldn’t make them?”

                Asahi’s mind conjured the image of Tsukishima standing in the middle of a kitchen surrounded by dirty mixing bowls and beaters dripping with cake batter. He was dipping a finger into a bowl of just made icing, a smear of flour smudged across one of his cheeks as he licked the icing off his outstretched finger. To be honest, Asahi doesn’t really buy it, an opinion he becomes more confident in when he notices Tsukishima pull out a dull butter knife from the side of his bento as take care to cut one of the small cupcakes _exactly_ in half before taking a half and plopping it into his waiting mouth, smiling with contentment once he’d done so.

                Redesigning his hypothetical scenario, Asahi’s corrected version features a Tsukishima laying out ingredients in a neat arrangement on the bench before him, all the various components measured out precisely before hand under Tsukishima’s careful eye. Icing and decorating a new batch of cupcakes with a ruler and compass, ensuring uniform perfection across all of his baked creations. _Adorable_ , Asahi sighs to himself as he watches Tsukishima continue to dissect his lunch.

                He doesn’t notice when ten minutes later, Sugawara and Daichi show up at the door having finished their assignment more quickly than they’d planned. Intending on eating lunch with Asahi, they stop at the door when they see their friend eating lunch with Tsukishima, absently chatting away about something. Sugawara decides it would be better they not interrupt, leaving the two to their lunch as he and Daichi go off to eat by themselves. Although he does intend to interrogate Asahi about the details later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima can totally bake


	20. The Weirdest Kidnapping Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> We reached chapter 20! And I don't even know if we're halfway or not! Ha, haha, ha...  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy some AsaTsukki fluffy moments (if you squint)
> 
> Thanks for all the support,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi rushed through the library doors – he was running late. Well, he was pretty much right on time, but for him that was late. Normally he’d arrive fifteen minutes early, sometimes earlier, often helping Takao-san or one of the nervous looking librarians set up the room in preparation for the group meeting. Today though, his train had stopped halfway along the line due to some emergency track closures and he’d had to catch a bus the rest of the way there.

                Sweating anxiously, Asahi quickly stepped through the library itself as quietly as he could, bee-lining for the normal room at the rear of the building. As he was speeding past though, he managed to notice a familiar silhouette out of the corner of his eye.

                “Tsukishima?” he asked, coming to a standstill, torn between hurrying along to the group meeting and stopping to ask why Tsukishima appeared to be calmly browsing the bookshelves rather than sitting in the other room with everyone else.

                “Mhmm?” Tsukishima hummed softly in acknowledgement, not looking up from whatever book he had in his hands.

                “It’s almost time for the session to begin,” Asahi pointed out, thinking perhaps Tsukishima had just lost track of time. When the boy didn’t make any sign that he had understood, Asahi began wringing his hands nervously – he was sure he had just faintly heard Takao-san call everyone into the circle to begin. “You’re going to be late,” he explained

                “ _We’re_ going to be late,” Tsukishima clarified nonchalantly, “Or rather you’ll be late, I’ll be absent,”

                “Wha-?” Asahi mumbled, now sure that he was actually late, “Are you not coming? Why?” he asked in a slightly dejected voice.

                “Why?” Tsukishima asked, looking up from his book to glance at the anxiously sweating Asahi, “Because it’s an anxiety support group, I don’t have anxiety,” he pointed out, “You should now, you’re the one who told me,” he added under his breath as he went back to flipping the pages of his book with a look of vague interest. Asahi paused for a moment, Tsukishima had actually listened to him, and he’d been right. He’d helped?

                “Eh? So then what are you doing here?” Asahi asked, tense shoulders going limp as he resigned himself to being late for the first time since he’d joined the group. Everyone always figured he was some delinquent anyway, may as well start living up to the reputation.

                “My mother dropped me off to attend anxiety support group,” Tsukishima stated, “It’s been happening for some weeks now,” he continued, as if Asahi were somehow unaware of this.

                “What?” Asahi asked, even more confused. It seemed like Tsukishima was just talking in circles, but his tone made it sound like what he was saying made perfect sense and he was the idiot for not understanding. “But you just said you _don’t_ have anxiety,”

                “She doesn’t know that,” Tsukishima pointed out, placing his book back on the shelf, running his fingers along the spines until he found a new one, pulling it out and flipping it open to a seemingly random page.

                “What do you mean she doesn’t know? Didn’t you tell her?” he asked, not sure how Tsukishima’s own mother didn’t know.

                “To what end?” Tsukishima said, voice laced with bitterness, “She never listens, none of them-... Most people don’t,” he stopped himself halfway through, as if correcting himself. Asahi wondered over to Tsukishima, looking at the range of books in front of them. Most of them seemed too complicated for Asahi, although he felt like Tsukishima could probably understand any of them given how smart he seemed to be.

                “Well, did you even try?” Asahi questioned, shrinking a little as he half expected Tsukishima to turn and bite his head off, but he just responded a little more quietly than before.

                “No,” he reluctantly admitted, “She’d probably just dismiss it, say I was just trying to ignore my real problems or something,” Tsukishima’s demeanour seemed to turn a little sullen as he answered. Asahi thought about what he’d said, wondering if there was anything he could say or do to help.

                “What if you saw a professional?” Asahi suggested, “Like a psychiatrist or something?” Tsukishima really did look like he was going to bite his head off this time, looking at Asahi as if he’d just suggested he go douse himself in gasoline and jump in a campfire.

                “Ah, sorry!” Asahi apologised, flinching back, “I just thought maybe if you had a doctor or something diagnose you , your mother would have to believe you, right?” Tsukishima stiffened, looking away thoughtfully while Asahi still remained poised, ready to run at a moment’s notice.

                “Do... do you really think they would?” Tsukishima asked with uncertainty, “Believe me that is, if I told them,”

                “Well, of course,” Asahi tried to assure him, “I mean, plenty of other people have panic disorders too – it’s not like you’re the only one,” Tsukishima still looked very unsure, but Asahi seemed hopeful that he no longer seemed to be treating the idea like poison.

                “I’ve been to a psychiatrist – and a psychologist, and two different therapists,” Asahi mentioned, “It wasn’t really that bad. At first I felt really uncomfortable, but then I realised it didn’t really matter what I told them – they can’t tell anyone else anyway, right?” Tsukishima looked at Asahi a little confused, “You know, doctor-patient confidentiality and all that,”

                “So, if I see someone – _if_ – they can’t tell my mother anything I don’t want them too, or anyone else?” Tsukishima sought to clarify, to which Asahi confirmed, nodding his head, “Well... I’ll think about it – _maybe_ ,” he stammered, turning back to intently read his book.

                Rather than head off to the group session, already well under way, Asahi decided to stay with Tsukishima, browsing the books himself, although he didn’t really understand most of the titles let alone their contents. But he didn’t really want to go to another set of shelves either, preferring to stand with Tsukishima.

                “Aren’t you going to be late?” Tsukishima asked tentatively after a silent five minutes.

                “You can’t be late if you don’t show up,” Asahi retaliated in his own hushed reply, dismissing the pink tinge he momentarily saw on the tips of Tsukishima’s ears as a trick of the light. Maybe the cancer was eye cancer. That might make sense.

 

                *******

 

                The session had already ended, Asahi had hid behind one of the bookshelves when everyone else had shuffled out of the room, too embarrassed to be caught ditching. He’d have to make up some lie about being unwell, although he never was that good at lying. Tsukishima’s phone buzzed, and without looking at it he placed his current book back on the shelf and began heading for the entrance. Asahi figured that had been his signal to leave, so he may as well go as well.

                The only problem was, no trains. Asahi groaned as he remembered that he’d caught a bus the rest of the way here – a bus that was no longer running at this hour. Tsukishima heard him and turned around to see what had provoked the noise. He gave Asahi a curious look as the boy rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

                “I, uh, forgot that the busses don’t run this late,” he explained lamely, “I guess I’ve got a long walk ahead of me,” Asahi tried to smile as if it were funny but it came of as a grimace as he also remembered he would have to get up early for practice tomorrow as well.

                “Where do you live?” Tsukishima asked tersely, Asahi giving him an odd look. He gave the boy his address though, not entirely sure how that would help the situation. Tsukishima turned to walk out the door, Asahi following behind, figuring he’d best not waste any time in getting home. But when he turned towards the road instead of the car park, Tsukishima tugged on his arm, half-dragging the confused Asahi into the car park with him. He opened the back door of the only car there, signalling him to get in.

                “What?” Asahi asked, a little confused as to why he was suddenly being bundled into a car. Was this some kind of weird kidnapping?

                “I’m giving you a ride home,” Tsukishima clarified, sticking his head in the car he looked at his equally confused mother, “We’re giving him a ride home,” he stated.

                “What? Kei, who is this?” she asked, confused as to why her son was trying to give what appeared to be some local thug a ride in her car. Was this some kind of weird kidnapping?

                “It’s Asahi,” he stated as he got into the passenger seat, Asahi still reluctantly hovering outside the open back door, not sure if he was allowed to get in or not. When that was apparently not a good enough explanation for his mother, he sighed and elaborated. “He’s in the anxiety group thing – and he’s on my school volleyball team,” His mother looked back at Asahi with a new expression.

                “You’re one of Kei’s school friends?” she asked happily, “Hop in then, I’d be happy to give you a lift,”

                “Ah, th-thank you ma’am,” Asahi excused himself as he got into the back of the car, closing the door behind him as the car’s engine flickered to life. “Sorry about the trouble, normally I catch the train but they’ve been cancelled,”

                “And you were just going to walk home? This late at night all the way to the next town?” Tsukishima’s mother asked in a concerned voice, “Well don’t worry, it’s no trouble at all! Would you believe you’re the first one of Kei’s friends I’ve met – besides Tadashi,”

                Asahi just smiled weakly, unsure of how to respond, while Tsukishima sat brooding in the front seat as his mother continued to make small talk with Asahi the whole way to his house. Asahi tried to respond as politely as he could, still a little worried he was being an imposition. Tsukishima’s mother seemed a nice enough lady, but he could also tell she seemed quite tired, possibly overworked, the same way his mother looked whenever she’d just come off a triple shift. He felt bad making her go through all this trouble, despite all her assurances.

                She dropped him off outside his house, he was actually home earlier than he would be if he’d caught the train. He gave a small wave goodbye to the woman as she drove off, Tsukishima just giving him a flat stare, as if he was bored of his mother’s chit chat. As he walked inside, smelling the dinner his own mother was cooking, he wondered if Tsukishima really would go see a psychiatrist, or some other kind of professional. He soon forgot about it however as his mother welcomed him home, commenting on how early he was.


	21. You Can't Both Have Cancer, Asahi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, late again, I know (at this point I wouldn't be surprised if you just wait until Friday's for this to update :P)  
> Hope you enjoy, I really am trying to update this on time, I just keep getting distracted :P
> 
> nightshade

                _Hnnnnn_ , Asahi bit his lip nervously. Tsukishima wasn’t here yet, and morning practice was almost over. Yamaguchi had arrived as usual, with the exception that he’d walked in by himself rather than traipsing in with his ever constant companion. _Is this because of yesterday?_ Asahi worried, not focusing on whatever the coach was saying. He’d called them into a half circle before dismissing them, going over something about a practice match. Asahi couldn’t really concentrate long enough to figure out more than that.

                _Was he mad at me because he had to drive me home? But he was the one who insisted,_ Asahi fretted, _Was it something I said, was it that thing about seeing a psychiatrist? He really seemed angry then_.

                “-ahi,”

                He began to worry that maybe Tsukishima wasn’t coming back ever. Maybe he’d quit volleyball just to avoid him, it’s not like he’d seemed particularly attached to the sport to begin with. Tsukishima would probably rather just quit than have to deal with him constantly annoying him, telling him to live his life, _Why did I even do that?!_

                “Asahi!” Daichi’s voice startled him out of his anguished worrying

                “Eh?” Asahi gasped, looking around to notice everyone was staring at him oddly. He began to feel the heat rise in his face and his fingers become twitchy in nervousness, “Wh-what is it Daichi?”

                “Were you even listening?” Daichi sighed in exasperation

                “We were just reminding everyone to keep the first weekend of next month free,” Sugawara clarified, trying to assuage Daichi’s irritation, “That’s when Takeda-sensei’s managed to get us a training camp in Tokyo with Nekoma and some other teams,”

                “O-oh, uh, sure thing,” Asahi mumbled, wishing everyone would stop looking at him already. To his relief, Ukai dismissed them and they all began packing up, everyone but Sugawara and Daichi forgetting all about his little incident. While Asahi started taking down one side of the net, he noticed Daichi giving him awkward looks like he wanted to ask him something but didn’t know how. Eventually Sugawara walked over to him and patted him on the shoulder, his face relaxing when Sugawara said something to him before marching over in Asahi’s direction.

                “Asahi,” Sugawara started, Asahi’s hands shaking a little as he held the net in front of him. _Damn it_ , he cursed as he struggled to keep his hands still and nerves in check, his anxiety always seemed to sneak up on him, overwhelming him when he least expected it. “Are you okay?”

                “Wh-what do you mean?” Asahi tried to ask coolly, letting his arms hang to his sides in the hopes it would make him look more relaxed.

                “Is your, you know... _anxiety_ being a problem?” Sugawara half-whispered, knowing Asahi didn’t want the others to know.

                “Uh, I guess, maybe,” he replied, still trying to act like it was no big deal, cringing internally when he saw Sugawara’s face fall in worry, “I-it’s fine, I swear – I’m just a bit jittery is all,” Asahi looked around, trying to find an out so he wouldn’t have to deal with Sugawara’s overbearing fretting. He knew Sugawara was only trying to help, but all the attention and misguided attempts to make him feel better, always just made it worse.

                “Ah, Yamaguchi!” Asahi called out to the first year, who was helping Hinata and Ennoshita pick up volleyballs, “Sorry Suga,” Asahi excused himself, “Uh, I just remembered I have to talk to Yamaguchi about something – I’ll see you at lunch or something, okay?” Asahi had already started jogging off by the time he’d finished, not giving Sugawara a chance to stop him.

                Approaching the confused looking Yamaguchi he smiled awkwardly, not really sure what to do now. Had he really just escaped from one anxiety-inducing situation only to drop himself into an even worse one?

                “Can I help you, Asahi-san?” Yamaguchi asked curiously

                “Uh, um,” Asahi tried to think of something to say, before he realised he had actually intended to track down Yamaguchi after practice anyway. Perhaps his subconscious had decided to throw him a bone after doling out a whole morning of surprise anxiety. “I was actually wondering, would you happen to know where Tsukishima is?”

                He braced himself for the worst. Even if Tsukishima really hadn’t come today just to avoid him, surely Yamaguchi wouldn’t tell him that, so what was he so worried about. _What if he’s injured or sick?_ Asahi suddenly realised, _Oh my god, what if he has cancer?!_

                “Oh,” Yamaguchi mouthed, suddenly looking all conspiratorial as he beckoned Asahi to follow him, slipping out of the gym before anyone else could notice, Asahi anxiously trailing after him. Yamaguchi came to a standstill around the corner, turning to Asahi.

                “So you do know something!” he exclaimed, “I thought maybe Tsukki was just saying stuff,” he mumbled to himself, leaving Asahi confused as to what it was he was supposed to know. That Tsukishima wasn’t there today? That wasn’t a secret – was it?!

                “Uh, I’m sorry,” Asahi apologised, interrupting Yamaguchi’s muttering, “What do I know? I just wanted to know if you knew why Tsukishima wasn’t here today. If you don’t know, that’s fine – it was probably a stupid question anyway...” Asahi tried to laugh it off awkwardly before turning to leave. But Yamaguchi grabbing his arm stopped him, tuning back around to face the boy.

                “Ah, sorry, I thought you knew,” Yamaguchi clarified, “When I asked Tsukki why he wasn’t coming in today, he just muttered something about asking you and then hung up the phone,” he explained in embarrassment. _Oh my god, it is because of me!_ Asahi panicked, _He didn’t come in because he’s avoiding me, because I’m annoying, or stupid, or both, or_ -

                “I’m sorry!” Asahi managed to squeak, “Tell Tsukishima I’m sorry, I promise I won’t bother him any more,” he began to try and escape again, but Yamaguchi’s grip on his arm was ironclad – just how strong was Yamaguchi?

                “What do you mean you’re sorry?” Yamaguchi asked, “Isn't this a good thing? His mother and I have been trying to get him to go for years, but he always refused,”

                “What?” Asahi asked cautiously, still wanting to leave. He couldn’t follow what Yamaguchi was talking about and he just wanted to run away and be stupid where no one could see him.

                “You mean you don’t know at all?” Yamaguchi asked confused, “Apparently when he got home last night he told his mother he wanted to go see a doctor – she was so happy he was finally willing to see one she booked an appointment right away, before he had any chance to change his mind,”

                “A doctor?” Asahi asked, _Did he mean?_ “You mean, like a psychiatrist?”

                “Yeah,” Yamaguchi confirmed, “So you do know?”

                “Uh, I might have mentioned it to him yesterday,” Asahi admitted tentatively, not sure how much he was allowed to share about what he and Tsukishima talked about in private. But it was Yamaguchi, so it was fine right? “I didn’t think he’d actually do it though, he seemed so against it at the time,”

                “Hmm, well _you_ did suggest it,” Yamaguchi said to himself, as if that explained everything

                “What do you mean _me_?!” Asahi yelped, “Why would Tsukishima do something just because I said something?”

                “Uh, you know, I just meant because you have anxiety too, he’d probably listen to you more about that kind of stuff,” Yamaguchi explained, but his voice sounded a bit off while he said it and wouldn’t quite meet Asahi’s eye. Even without that though, Asahi wouldn’t have believed it. Tsukishima didn’t even have anxiety, and if he did he still probably wouldn’t listen to him. Now he was just confused again, _But at least Tsukishima’s going to see a professional_ , he thought happily to himself, _Hopefully that might help him a bit_.

_Didn’t he only go and look up panic disorders after you told him too as well?_ a little voice in the back of his head asked as he walked away from Yamaguchi, classes for the both of them about to begin. _Don’t be stupid_ , he thought, _Why would Tsukishima bother to listen to me anyway?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. This is actually what I was wasting my time on when I should have been updating this yesterday: http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/post/149791331472/apparently-i-also-now-waste-many-hours-drawing


	22. They Could Be Friends... Maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :D
> 
> This chapter is mostly from Tsukishima's POV ! :o and has the beginnings of some serious shipping !! :O !!  
> I'm sorry if it comes off a little too quick of a development, I'm not sure about you but at this point I'm gonna die of old age before these two get together, so I maybe gave them a little bit of a push :P
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Tsukishima didn’t end up coming to school that day. Even though Yamaguchi told him he wasn’t coming in, Asahi still couldn’t help but worry. He didn’t think he’d feel better until he got to see Tsukishima for himself. That night he lay awake in bed, staring up at his ceiling, unable to sleep.

                He groaned, pulling his loose hair down over his face, trying to hide his embarrassment, although he wasn’t sure who from. The blush in his cheeks burned, maybe he had a fever. All he knew was he just wanted to see Tsukishima, and he didn’t even know why. Yes, he wanted to confirm that he hadn’t done anything wrong, he wanted to know how the visit to the psychiatrist had gone, but he couldn’t help but feel it was more than that. He didn’t know where it had come from, although he realised perhaps it had been building for a while now.

                Sighing, he pulled the covers up higher, under his nose, and tried to will himself to sleep. Tomorrow wasn’t going to come any faster by staying up, in fact it would be the opposite. Plus he would also be tired. Eventually he drifted off into a light sleep, hours later feeling his alarm go off far too early for his liking, but heaving himself out of bed anyway to get ready to go.

 

                *******

 

                Exhaling sharply through his nose for the _third_ time, Tsukishima hoped Yamaguchi would finally get the hint and drop the subject. Usually the boy would pick up on his irritation before he needed to express it, so he suspected that Yamaguchi was well aware of his feelings yet continued anyway.

                “Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima stated firmly, speaking for the first time since they’d greeted each other cordially at their normal meeting spot on the way to morning practice, “Stop.”

                Yamaguchi winced, seeming to realise that he really was pushing his luck at this point, but Tsukishima was irked when he still saw the boy actually considering continuing to ask. At this, Tsukishima just snorted and walked off, he’d had enough of this. Ever since he’d come out of that psychiatrist’s office his mother had been asking question after question, not giving him even a moment’s respite.

                When he’d told her he wanted to go, he hadn’t expected it to be so sudden. She’d come to him that morning as he got ready to leave for practice that she’d taken the day off of work and had already booked an appointment in the city with some psychiatrist. He’d felt guilty at that point, she didn’t have to take a day off work just because of him.

                He felt even guiltier though when they reached the place. It was in some kind of large building with a fancy reception and waiting area, it all seemed very expensive – too expensive for her to be wasting all that money on something stupid like this. He’d been expecting something more like Takao-san and his booked room in the public library. Well, maybe a little more than that, but certainly not this.

                The session itself was even worse. Apparently his mother had already found the time at some point to brief the man on what she thought was happening. He didn’t even really have a chance to explain himself, the guy just kept asking all sorts of questions he either didn’t really have an answer for, or didn’t want to answer for some strange guy in a suit he’d just met. Afterwards the guy had spoken to his mother in private for what seemed like ages while he sat in the waiting room, headphones on and trying to ignore the uncomfortable stares of other people also waiting.

                As for what the guy had told his mother, he didn’t really know, but she seemed more anxious coming out than when she had gone in. He felt like telling her that that guy didn’t know what he was talking about and to just ignore him, but he didn’t, instead retreating into a distant silence for the rest of the trip home. Thankfully she hadn’t brought up either what had happened during the session, or if he would be going again, but when he’d found Yamaguchi waiting for him as normal this morning he seemed more than informed.

                He reached school and had already changed by the time Yamaguchi arrived, walking right past him and into the gym. His mother he’d expected, but he thought Yamaguchi might have had enough tact to leave him be. Neither of them had ever believed him before, but they seemed worse now, as if agreeing to go to a psychiatrist had been him somehow admitting that he’d been lying all these years and they were both ready to and waiting for him to cave and tell them what they wanted to hear.

                Storming into the gym, he stood sulking on the edge of the court while he waited for Ukai to call them all in to start. Normally he’d spent these first few minutes waiting with Yamaguchi, making snarky banter about whatever stupid things the others were inevitably doing. Today when he looked around though, his eyes landed on Asahi standing across the gym from him, staring back.

                Realising he’d been caught, Asahi immediately blushed and waved awkwardly, but still not looking away. On a whim, Tsukishima strode over to him, standing next to him while he waited.

                “Uh, hi,” Asahi squeaked nervously, “Uh, I wasn’t staring, I was just, uh, you know, looking at nothing,”

                “Whatever,” he sighed, not really caring either way

                “Uh, is everything okay?” Asahi asked tentatively, “Yamaguchi told me you went to see someone yesterday,” Tsukishima glared at Asahi coldly, _He did what?! Who else did he tell? Did everyone know now?!_ “Ah, sorry, sorry,” Asahi apologised in a rush, Tsukishima shifting his glare away from him to a point on the ground, realising he was probably terrifying the guy.

                “He didn’t just tell me or anything, I, uh, I asked him where you were and he thought I already knew… Apparently you said something about me when he asked you…” Asahi explained lamely, words drifting off as his embarrassment grew. Tsukishima was confused for a moment before recalling he might have mentioned Asahi in passing when he’d called Yamaguchi yesterday. He’d been tired and not really thinking clearly.

                “What do you care anyway?” he asked tersely

                “Why do I care? About what?” Asahi asked, confused.

                “About if I’m okay, or if I’m here or not, or _anything_?” Tsukishima retorted

                “Um, I don’t know, I guess,” Asahi answered, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head, “Is that weird?”

                “Yes,” Tsukishima replied immediately, Asahi’s face suddenly downtrodden as he looked at his feet in embarrassment, “You’re weird, why would you care about someone you’re not even friends with?”

                “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Asahi made a poor attempt at laughter, “We’re not really friends, are we,” Tsukishima couldn’t help but notice Asahi seemed particularly saddened by that fact. Why, it was true, they weren’t friends, were they?

                Ukai called everyone in, Tsukishima noticed Yamaguchi had arrived, but didn’t bother to come over to him, sticking with the other first years. Tsukishima continued to stay next to Asahi for no real reason other than it was where he already was. He looked at the boy out of the corner of his eye while Ukai spoke. Were they friends? Is that what Asahi had thought? Yamaguchi was his friend, but he wasn’t really sure how or when that had happened, it seemed like it had just always been the case. He’d never really put much thought into getting more ‘friends’, he already had one.

                What would being friends with Asahi even be like? Would he hang out with him and Yamaguchi at lunch? Admittedly he hadn’t disliked having lunch with Asahi, he was relatively calm and quiet relative to most of the other team members. He seemed to actually care about him - he was even the only person who’d believed him about his attacks. When Ukai blew his whistle to signal the start of practice, Tsukishima almost didn’t notice, too lost in his thoughts about Asahi. Maybe they could be friends… maybe.


	23. Sharing Chocolate Cake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhh blushing happens!
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                He didn’t even have to wait for the lunch bell to ring. He could see Yamaguchi practically frothing at the mouth, waiting for class to end so he could come over to try and talk to him – he’d even tried texting him a few times at the start of class, but Tsukishima had just ignored them and he’d had to stop once the teacher started keeping an eye on him. The annoying thing was, he couldn’t tell if Yamaguchi wanted to apologise for his incessant questioning this morning, or to continue it. Probably both, knowing him.

                So as soon as the teacher released them, Tsukishima took advantage of some girl asking Yamaguchi about his notes to sweep quietly out of the room before Yamaguchi could give chase. He headed off down the hall, already having determined where he’d take refuge.

                A few minutes later and there he was, standing outside Asahi’s classroom. He paused only a moment to make sure the boy was actually there, sighing somewhat when he saw he was being accompanied by Daichi and Sugawara. _Oh well_ , Tsukishima thought, just accepting it and walking into the room. He wasn’t entirely sure why he was bothered by the fact that the other two were there. Perhaps because they were more likely to kick him out, he knew there was no way Asahi by himself would do that. Even if it was probably just out of fear, Tsukishima kind of liked the idea of someone who wouldn’t brush him aside, no matter what he did. Most people found him to abrasive to hang around for long.

                “Ah, Tsukishima?!” Asahi yelped in surprise when Tsukishima walked in unannounced and pulled a chair over, sitting himself down next to Asahi and across from the other two. He didn’t bother greeting them, he just placed his bento on the desk, unopened, and turned to stare out the window.

                “Um, Tsukishima, I’m not really sure it’s appropriate for you to just sit down at a third year’s desk uninvited,” Sugawara cautioned, not wanting to seem mean but not understanding why the boy suddenly just appeared and sat down as if he owned the place.

                “It’s fine Sugawara-san,” Tsukishima replied flatly, “Asahi and I are friends. This is normal behaviour for friends,”

                “I thought you said-“ Asahi started to blurt out in confusion, freezing when Tsukishima turned to look at him with a piercing glare.

                “I changed my mind. I accept your proposition,” he explained, turning back to look out the window without another word, leaving Asahi extremely flustered. It was then Asahi noticed Yamaguchi peeking in the door, startling when he was caught and rushing off before the others could see him. A look of sad realisation flashed across Asahi’s face.

                “Um, it’s okay,” Asahi explained to Daichi and Sugawara, “He can stay, I don’t mind,”

 

                *******

 

                _That was stupid_ , Asahi thought to himself, not really following along with whatever it was Daichi and Sugawara were talking about now, _Of course he’s not actually my friend – he’s just hiding from Yamaguchi_. He sighed quietly, not noticing Sugawara and Daichi’s curious glances, _But, he still came to me right – that must mean something?... It probably just means your easily manipulated_. He sighed again.

                “Uh, Asahi, are you all right?” Sugawara asked, snapping Asahi out of his melancholy, “You were looking a little, um, out of it?”

                “It is common for sufferers of general anxiety disorders to experience difficulty concentrating, a persistent state of worry and thoughts of paranoia or self doubt,” Tsukishima stated blandly, beginning to methodically open his bento, apparently deciding to eat. Sugawara gave a horrified look, while Daichi started shifting uncomfortably. Neither were used to talking about Asahi’s anxiety, especially so frankly. To further their shock, Asahi started laughing.

                “Isn’t that straight from one of Takao-san’s pamphlets?” he laughed, only finding it more humorous when the tips of Tsukishima’s ears started turning red with embarrassment at being caught out.

                “So? I... was bored on the car ride home,” Tsukishima defended himself poorly, while Asahi tried to calm down, not wanting to embarrass the boy any more.

                “Who’s Takao-san?” Daichi asked, curious as to what the joke was. Asahi blanched a little.

                “You don’t know?” Tsukishima asked, arching one eyebrow as he looked at Asahi before shrugging and returning to unwrapping his bento.

                “Who is he? Is he another student?” Sugawara pestered, confused as to who this person was. Did they know about Asahi’s anxiety too?

                “I have no idea who you talking about,” Tsukishima answered casually, starting to pick at his vegetables, looking for the best ones. Sugawara just looked at him in an exasperated fashion while Asahi had to stop another round of laughter from bubbling out. He had to admit, he found Tsukishima’s behaviour quite amusing from the other side. He’d always wondered how Yamaguchi could laugh along with some of Tsukishima’s mean-spirited jokes, but he was starting to understand quickly.

                _You’re not really his friend though, don’t get too used to it_ , the voice in his head told him, dampening his stifled giggles quickly enough. When Sugawara started to notice the awkward tension between Tsukishima and Asahi (and realised that interrogating either of them wasn’t going to produce any answers) he poked Daichi and signalled that they should go.

                “What? But I just started eating,” Daichi complained, Sugawara giving him a hard look.

                “Come on, we’ve got that... thing we had to do,” he nagged

                “Thing?” Daichi asked, head tilted like a confused puppy. Sugawara just sighed and pulled him up by the ear, dragging him out of the room with barely enough time to grab his stuff.

                “Sugawara-san isn’t exactly subtle is he,” Tsukishima noted, breaking the silence after the two left.

                “Hmm, I think it’s more that subtle won’t work on Daichi,” Asahi commented, “Although, I don;t think Suga is as subtle as he thinks he is,” Tsukishima looked curiously at Asahi when he said that, so he quickly changed the subject, “No cakes today?” he asked, looking down to notice Tsukishima’s bento was a lot more normal looking than last time.

                “My mother made this,” Tsukishima explained through gritted teeth, “I didn’t have enough time to bake anything after... after she took me to that place,”

                “O-oh,” Asahi mumbled, berating himself for bringing up such a sore point, even if he couldn’t have known, “... Was it really that bad?” Tsukishima looked at him with icy eyes. “Umm.... sorry,” Asahi apologised meekly.

                “What are you sorry for?” Tsukishima spat, irritated by the boy’s constant apologising.

                “Well, maybe if I hadn’t told you to go...” _That’s stupid, it’s not like he went because you told him too. Why would he bother listening to anything you have to say?_ “Uh, uh, never mind – that was stupid,”

              “It’s not your fault the guy was horrible,” Tsukishima replied quietly after a moment, “Your advice... wasn’t terrible,” Asahi noticed Tsukishima’s ears burning again, “... Besides, aren’t friends supposed to give each other advice?”

                “Eh?! Y-you mean, when you said,” Asahi stammered, “We’re friends?”

                “Of course, I said it didn’t I?” Tsukishima said in exasperation, looking at Asahi like he was an idiot.

                “I thought maybe you were just hiding from Yamaguchi,” Asahi confessed

                “I was,” Tsukishima replied, “I could have just done that alone though. I figured this wouldn’t be as boring – eating lunch with you, I mean,” Asahi looked down at his bento, unable to stop the weird swarm of butterflies that had taken residence in his stomach. He didn’t know why Tsukishima’s words were making him feel this way, but it wasn’t bad. It was actually kind of nice.

                “Ah, here,” Asahi offered, remembering that his mother had packed a slice of the chocolate cake she’d brought home yesterday. He offered the slice to Tsukishima who was looking at it with a mixture of distrust and gratitude. “My mum bought it, so, it’s probably not as good as something you made yourself but, um, you can have it if you want,”

                Tsukishima looked at Asahi for a moment, before taking the piece of cake and laying it down on a napkin and slicing it in half. He took one half for himself and pushed the other half back towards Asahi.

                “Here,” he directed, “This is your piece,”

                “Ah, you can have it all if you wa-“ Tsukishima just kept pushing the piece at him, so he took it without further complaint. He chuckled to himself when he noticed that Tsukishima had taken the larger half. Eating it he agreed with himself that it wasn’t as good as Tsukishima’s baking, but it was alright. He smiled at Tsukishima, chewing his mouthful of chocolate cake, almost choking when Tsukishima blushed slightly and turned away. By the time he’d finished coughing, when he looked at Tsukishima his face was normal again – perhaps he’d just imagined it.


	24. Strawberry & Banana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, here's some more cutesy pseudo-dating stuff  
> Just a bit of fluff before we start to get back into the more angsty side of things :D
> 
> nightshade

                Tsukishima had stood with him during afternoon practice as well, Yamaguchi awkwardly watching from afar while Asahi tried not to act to embarrassing in front of the boy. He thankfully managed to make it through the afternoon without too much mishap, and by that point Tsukishima had apparently deigned to forgive Yamaguchi for whatever he’d done wrong. Asahi watched as the two walked out of the gym, up to the club room to get their things before going. He felt a little lonely after watching them go, something he’d never thought he’d feel in a room containing both Hinata and Nishinoya.

                Self doubt began to cloud his mind. _He just said that, he’s not really your friend. He was just using you to get at Yamaguchi, why would he bother hanging out with you otherwise?_ Asahi began to hurry along, just wanting to leave already and go home. Although he wanted to believe Tsukishima and he could maybe be friends, his own mind didn’t seem willing to let him as it continued prodding and poking holes in his excuses.

                He quickly gathered his things up in the club room, rushing down the stairs in order to head home when he came to a stop, path blocked by Tsukishima leaning up against the wall, Yamaguchi walking along the cracks in the concrete with his arms held out either side.

                “About time,” Tsukishima muttered, turning to walk off, Yamaguchi quickly jogging over to join him. “Are you coming or what?” Tsukishima asked impatiently, looking back over his shoulder at the flustered Asahi.

                “Um, what?” Asahi stuttered, not sure what the boy was asking of him, “Wha- Where um, What?”

                “Are you. Coming. With. Usssss.” Tsukishima enunciated slowly, “I didn’t realise anxiety also made people stupid,” he commented mockingly, causing Asahi to become even more flustered.

                “But, where are we going?” Asahi asked, finally following along behind the two first years as they headed out of the school gates. He looked back in concern, realising they were going the opposite direction from his house, “What do you want?”

                “We’re gonna get ice cream~,” Yamaguchi warbled excitedly, Tsukishima just nodding slightly, stony faced. Asahi didn’t know what that had to do with anything.

                “He’s buying,” Tsukishima said, as if that might have been Asahi’s concern

                “Ah, it’s my apology to Tsukki for this morning,” Yamaguchi clarified, looking away guiltily, “He said he wouldn’t accept unless I bought you some too, so don’t worry,”

                “Wha-? You don’t have to-“ Asahi exclaimed, not sure why buying him ice cream was somehow an apology to Tsukishima.

                “Don’t worry, it’s fine,” Yamaguchi reassured him, “Sometimes Tsukki’s weird like that – you get used to it,” Tsukishima just shot Yamaguchi a dirty glare, grumbling something about how he wasn’t weird. The stopped in front of a small ice cream store Asahi was unfamiliar with, but with the way Yamaguchi rushed up to the counter to look at all the flavours, it seemed like the two of them had come here at least a few times before.

                “W-why did you ask him to buy me ice cream too?” Asahi asked Tsukishima while Yamaguchi was busy pressing himself up against the cold glass to get a better look at all the flavours.

                “Why not?” Tsukishima replied, “I’m sure if you want to pay you can – although I don’t know why you would,”

                “Eh? That’s not-“ Asahi started, still uncomfortable with the whole thing, “Why did you even bring me here? I don’t understand?” Tsukishima shifted uncomfortably for a moment.

                “... Do you not like ice cream? I’m sure Yamaguchi would buy you something else-“ Tsukishima mumbled

                “Why is Yamaguchi buying me anything?” Asahi sighed in exasperation, hating everything about this. He’d just wanted to go home and wallow in his own misery, instead he was sitting in some freezing ice cream parlour with the object of said misery.

                “Yamaguchi buys me stuff all the time, I figured it was just what friends do,” Tsukishima shrugged, looking a little self conscious. Asahi blanched a little at his words. _Friends?_ he thought to himself, _So... we really are friends? He’s not just pretneding or something?_

                “Your anxiety really does make you stupid, doesn’t it?” Tsukishima asked, almost concerned, as he seemed to guess at Asahi’s train of thought, “I don’t like repeating myself... I said we’re friends, so we are,”

                “Don’t I get a say in it?” Asahi joked awkwardly, still trying to accept that Tsukishima definitely, probably meant it. Tsukishima’s ear turned red,

                “No,” he stated after a short pause, making Asahi chuckle at the other boy’s embarrassment. It was nice to be in the other position for a change. Yamaguchi had apparently decided what flavour he wanted by this point and came over licking a scoop of neon green ice cream. Asahi didn’t ask. He handed Tsukishima a cone with pale pink ice cream, strawberry Asahi assumed.

                “Uh, which one did you want Asahi-san?” Yamaguchi asked between licks of his ice cream, tongue already stained deep green.

                “Um, banana I guess, if they have it?” Asahi answered nervously, still a little uncomfortable with having someone, especially an underclassman, buying him food.

                “Do you like banana?” Yamaguchi asked when he returned with the cone for Asahi, the boy taking it with a stream of thanks and apologies for making him pay.

                “Sort of, my mum always tells me I used to love it as a kid, it was the only fruit she could get me to eat,” Asahi grinned as he starting eating his ice cream, “She once told me she caught me sitting there sucking on one to make it last longer,”

                Both Asahi and Yamaguchi looked to Tsukishima in concern when he suddenly started spluttering and coughing, apparently having half-choked or something on his ice cream. His face had turned all red, leaving Asahi worried that maybe something was wrong, but Tsukishima just kept telling them he was fine and avoiding eye contact.

                After twenty minutes of eating their ice cream and making small talk, they headed out of the shop, Asahi waving goodbye to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi who were walking the other way. He meandered home, taking his time as he reveled in the warm feeling in his stomach. Tsukishima called him his friend. He was friends with Tsukishima. He didn’t know why, but the thought made him feel amazing. Perhaps because he seemed such a cold and aloof person, he felt like he’d accomplished something by managing to get at least a little bit close to the boy. Whatever it was, Asahi couldn’t help but walk home with a small smile stuck on his face.


	25. Skipping Class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Sorry I didn't update at all on Thursday, this past week has been mega busy at uni, but it should be largely done with for now :D  
> This ship is finally starting to sail (At chapter 25, omg what am I even doing)
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                The next morning at practice, Asahi tried not to seem too happy when Tsukishima and Yamaguchi walked into the gym and came to a stop next to him. They kept on with their conversation (mostly Yamaguchi talking and Tsukishima nodding or humming occasionally), pretty much ignoring Asahi, but it didn’t escape him that Tsukishima stopped right next to him rather than wandering over to an empty part of the gym.

                When Coach Ukai called them all in before practice began, Asahi risked a glance at Tsukishima out of the corner of his eye. Tsukishima shot him back a rather bored look, Asahi’s eyes darting back to the front. Nervous about being caught looking, he struggled to keep his hands from fidgeting. He still wasn’t entirely sure what being friends with Tsukishima would entail. Yamaguchi always seemed to pull it off effortlessly, Asahi wanted to ask him but that seemed a pretty embarrassing thing to ask.

                He happened to notice Sugawara giving him a weird look, apparently having realised he was a little on edge. Reflexively, his eyes darted to Tsukishima, stopping himself as soon as he realised, Sugawara’s eyes having shifted to Tsukishima as well, taking on a disapproving look. He’d have to try and explain later before Sugawara got the wrong idea.

                As practice goes on, Asahi begins to become a little more comfortable with Tsukishima’s new presence. Although he still feels acutely aware that he’s there, he’s calmed down a bit. Yamaguchi seems to be capable enough of doing whatever needs to be done, apparently he can just be there with the two of them, basking in Tsukishima’s presence. _Ugh, isn’t that a little creepy_ , he catches himself. It doesn’t stop it feeling true though, he thought. Hanging around Tsukishima just felt pleasant, although he’d never have thought that before.

                Just as he was getting used to that pleasantness, he turned around to find Tsukishima already halfway to the gym doors. Practice was more than half over, but it was nowhere near finished. _Perhaps he just needs to go to the bathroom_ , Asahi reasons, not sure why he feels so uneasy about it. He didn’t say anything before walking off, at least not to him. Now that he realises it, Yamaguchi is gone too – talking with Coach Ukai about something.

                Turning back to look in Tsukishima’s direction, he notices Hinata and Kageyama coming through the door, grumbling about having been sent to do laps by Daichi after another argument got a little too rowdy. He watches as Tsukishima bumps into Hinata as he walks past, lacking his usual poise, as if he hadn’t noticed the two others come in the door. Hinata baulked as Tsukishima continued to go past, not stopping to acknowledge the incident.

                “Hey, Stingyshima! Watch where you’re going,” Hinata yelps, the assigned laps apparently not having burnt off all of their excess energy. Tsukishima just ignored him, almost at the door now, when Hinata bounced over and pulled him around to face him, “Aren’t you gonna at least apologise or something?”

                Tsukishima hissed something that Asahi couldn’t hear from where he was standing, but he could tell that Tsukishima seemed almost pale. Instinctual concern made him start walking over, not wanting Hinata and Tsukishima to get in a fight over nothing.

                “What are you now not even talking to us? Not good enough for you?” Hinata squawked indignantly, Kageyama standing menacingly behind the smaller boy looking equally as irritable. As Asahi approached he noticed Tsukishima’s subtly clenched jaw and downcast eyes. He realised with a chill that it was reminiscent of the time he’d caught Nishinoya laying into him mid-panic attack. He’d had the same distant look, just letting the person do whatever without his typical snippy remarks. Heart suddenly in his throat it was everything he could do to not run the last few steps over to the confrontation.

                “Uh, hey now, I’m sure Tsukishima didn’t mean to run into you,” Asahi tried to calm down the irate Hinata, honestly more concerned with helping Tsukishima than the other two first years. Tsukishima flinched a little when Asahi placed a hand on his shoulder, “We, uh, really should get going Tsukishima,” he explained, guiding the boy the last few steps to the gym doors.

                “Hey, what about-“ Hinata started to retort in annoyance

                “Uh, sorry, we have to do something really important, um, for Takeda-sensei – Bye!” Asahi lied, hoping he came off as even half believable as he led Tsukishima out of the gym doors, closing the quickly behind him.

                “Are you having a panic attack?” Asahi asked immediately, looking worriedly into Tsukishima’s eyes, still stuck looking down at the ground, trying to look anywhere but up at him. “You don’t have to pretend- Let’s go somewhere else,” Asahi concluded in exasperation at the boy’s stubbornness. He led them around the back of the gym, out of sight of any other students that were just arriving at school.

                He stopped and turned around to look at Tsukishima again, content that they weren’t going to be disturbed.

                “Hey, it’s okay, no one else is here,” Asahi reassured him, hating that Tsukishima was still trying to hide his attack from him, even though it was already pointless.

                “I-I’m f-fi-“ Tsukishima tried to say through gritted teeth, stopping midway as he gasped for breath.

                “Shhh, it’s okay,” Asahi wrapped his arms around Tsukishima, embracing the stiff boy, happy that he could feel his muscles start to relax, “It’s going to be fine. I don’t know if it’s anything like my attacks, but it’ll be over soon – just try and focus on that,” He heard a harsh sob escape from Tsukishima before he pressed himself harder against Asahi, almost crushing himself into him.

                “I-I’m dying,” Tsukishima gasped, pressing his face into Asahi’s shoulder as he continued taking harsh gasps of air, “I can’t feel anything, it feels like I’m dead – I-I can’t b-breathe,”

                “It’s okay,” Asahi rubbed Tsukishima’s back comfortingly, unflinching as he felt hot tears start to seep through his shirt. He found himself incredibly calm, despite everything, so focused on making sure Tsukishima was okay that he forgot about himself. “I’m here, I’m not going to leave,” He rocked back and forth slightly, lulling Tsukishima as he rode out his attack, shivering and gasping occasionally as he whimpered quietly from time to time.

                By the time the last vestiges of the panic attack seemed to fade it was already halfway through first period. True to his word, Asahi had stayed the entire time, not hesitating to skip class in order to make sure Tsukishima was alright.

                “You missed class,” Tsukishima mumbled softly, face still pressed slightly into Asahi’s shoulder, muffling his words.

                “So did you,” Asahi pointed out, “It’s okay, I can miss afford to miss a few classes,”

                “Can you?” Tsukishima asked, the weak joke making Asahi’s mouth twitch

                “As long as it’s not too many,” Asahi conceded with a small laugh. He felt Tsukishima hum softly, still not quite up to laughter. He sniffed a little before leaning back, his glasses askew and his eyes and cheeks red.

                “I-I’m sorry that-“ Tsukishima started before Asahi cut him off

                “You don’t have to apologise,” Asahi reassured him, “It’s not your fault,”

                “... Thank you,” Tsukishima mumbled quietly after a hesitant pause, before looking back up to Asahi, “Can I go to class now?” Asahi realised his arm fallen down to hold Tsukishima against him at the hips, hastily letting go and apologising in a flustered voice.

                “Ah, of course, um, sorry,” he rambled in embarrassment

                “Sorry about your shirt,” Tsukishima nodded slightly towards the damp patch on Asahi’s shoulder, looking a little awkward still.

                “No, don’t worry, it’s fine,” Asahi continued, motioning Tsukishima to start walking back, “Go off to class, I’ll go change into my other shirt,”

                “Are you sure-“

                “Yes, don’t worry about me, you shouldn’t be missing any more classes,” Asahi reiterated, shooing Tsukishima back to class, trying to calm the burning he felt rising up his cheeks. How had he done all that, he was so embarrassed. Tsukishima seemed to finally go off towards the school, giving Asahi a few moments to lean against the gym wall and calm himself down before rushing off to the club room to change shirts, hoping he wouldn’t get in too much trouble for skipping a class.


	26. Tsukishima May Increase Stroke Risk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey, new chapter, sorry for lateness, I have so much writing to do, send help : (
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi took down notes, hoping not to get reprimanded by the teacher. He was already now in her bad books for being late to her class, he didn’t want to add not paying attention to the list as well. After the bell had rung, Asahi dropped his pencil to the desk with a sigh of relief, leaning back in his chair and looking up at the ceiling. His thoughts quickly drifted back to Tsukishima.

                _He can’t keep doing this_ , he worried, _He was probably just going to stand there while Hinata yelled at him – just like what happened with Noya. How can he stand it, let alone keep a straight face?_ Sighing out loud, Asahi figured he’d better hurry up and have lunch if he wanted to eat before the break ended. Grabbing his bento out of his bag, he made his way down the hall to Daichi and Sugawara’s classroom. Waving as he walked in, he sat down where the two had pushed their desks together and wee already eating.

                “Hello Asahi,” Daichi greeted him, “Where were you this morning? You disappeared from practice early?”

                “Didn’t Tsukishima go missing at some point too?” Sugawara added, a small grin spreading across his face, “Yamaguchi came and asked if I’d seen him at one point – Do you know where he was?”

                “Uh, n-no,” Asahi stuttered, pulling an unused chair over to the two desks, “I just, um, had some important homework I forgot about – Sorry for leaving without saying anything,”

                “Hmm, well at least say something next time,” Daichi grumbled, “Or better yet, don’t let there be a next time – You should set a better example for the first years,”

                “Ah, sorry Daichi,” Asahi apologised meekly, he’d already gotten in enough trouble with Daichi from being late to practice before, he didn’t need this as well. Daichi and Sugawara went back to their conversation, although not before Sugawara gave him a knowing look telling Asahi that the conniving boy hadn’t bought his lie.

                Asahi began picking at his food, trying to eat more quickly but getting distracted by his concerns over Tsukishima again. _If I hadn’t noticed... Maybe Yamaguchi would have done something? But Tsukishima said that sometimes even Yamaguchi can’t tell when he’s hiding a panic attack. It can’t be healthy, him bottling it up and hiding it like that... If only he’d just tell people. At least maybe just the team or something. Then at least he wouldn’t have to hide it all the time, people wouldn’t yell at him like that any more or anything. If only he wasn’t so prideful..._

                Asahi dwelled on the problem, mourning how terrible it must be for Tsukishima, and feeling terrible for him. _He shouldn’t have to deal with that, he should be happy, he’s my friend... right? It’s only natural that I want him to be happy and not sad._ He realised Sugawara was staring at him out of the corner of his eye while carrying on his conversation with Daichi. The burning sensation in his cheeks clued him into what it was that Sugawara was so distracted by – he was sitting there blushing while thinking about Tsukishima! The embarrassment of it just made him blush even harder,

                “Um, I, uh, I have to go to the bathroom – I’ll be back in a minute,” Asahi excused himself

                “Okay?” Daichi responded, confused as to why he was announcing that he needed to go to the toilet while Sugawara tried to stifle his devilish grin from growing any bigger. Asahi rushed out of the room, only to run right into Tsukishima.

                “Ah! Ts-Tsukishima? What are you doing here?” Asahi asked in confusion, still feeling the heat in his face, and Sugawara’s eyes on him from inside the classroom.

                “I was looking for you. Are you blushing?” Tsukishima asked, voice rising a little in pitch on the second part.

                “Um, no I just, uh, I’m just a bit hot – I was going to go wash my face,” Asahi lied lamely, feeling his face burn even more, “You, uh, you were looking for me?”

                “Ah, yes,” Tsukishima looked away from Asahi, and he noticed that the boy’s ear had started to turn red as well, “Here, for before... now we’re even,” Tsukishima stated, pushing a small bento box into Asahi’s hands before rushing off, tips of his ears still crimson. Confused, Asahi wandered back into the classroom, sitting back down and putting the bento on the desk in front of him.

                “Weren’t you going to the bathroom?” Daichi asked in confusion when Asahi sat back down.

                “Uh, never mind,” Asahi replied, distracted by the bento in front of him. Daichi just looked confused, while Sugawara was also staring intently at the bento, having seen the entire exchange from inside the classroom.

                “So, what did Tsukishima give you?” Sugawara asked curiously, glint in his eye

                “Tsukishima? Was he here?” Daichi asked, confused even more.

                “Uh, I don’t know...” Asahi admitted, picking up the bento and opening it slightly to peek inside. He saw one of Tsukishima’s frosted cupcakes as well as a handful of sweets. Asahi could feel the heat returning to his face, just as it had started to cool off. _I’m going to have some sort of stroke or something if this keeps up_ , he bemoaned, quickly closing the lid before Sugawara could see.

                “So, what was in there?” Sugawara asked

                “Um, nothing,” Asahi said

                “... Nothing?” Sugawara asked flatly, “Tsukishima just gave you an empty bento box?”

                “Uh, yes, uh...” Asahi scrambled to come up with an excuse, “I mentioned I needed a new one, maybe that’s why he gave it to me?” He didn’t know why he didn’t want to tell Sugawara, but for some reason he liked the idea of keeping it a secret. That Tsukishima had given them to him, things he’d probably made himself. It made him feel fuzzy in the head just thinking of it.

                “You seem awfully happy about getting a new bento box?” Daichi commented, Sugawara just humming in agreement.

                “Um, it’s, uh, still got that new bento smell,” Asahi rambled, standing up and grabbing his things, “Uh, I should probably head back now, lunch is almost over,” Without waiting for either one to say anything else, Asahi scrambled out of the room and back to his own class. Once there he ate the cupcake – it was lemon flavour with meringue icing – and kept the sweets for later.

 

                *******

 

                Later that night, Asahi lay in bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling. He sighed and rolled onto his side, spotting the small handful of sweets on his bedside table. He’d already washed the bento box ready to return to Tsukishima the next day. _I’m such a hypocrite_ , he sighed, pulling the blankets up over his head. _I want Tsukishima to tell everyone about his panic disorder, but I’m too scared to tell anyone about my anxiety. I’m horrible._

                ‘ _You should set a better example for the first years,_ ’ Daichi’s words from earlier drifted through his head. When he had told Sugawara and Daichi about his anxiety, they’d acted so weird about it. Sugawara had told him that he should tell everyone, that they’d be supportive and understanding. But how could he, his two closest friends had started treating him differently, how much worse would the rest of the team be.

                All those books and that always said that most people just needed to be educated though. Maybe if he did tell everyone, it’d be okay. It’d be weird at first, but once it wasn’t a secret anymore maybe they’d ll get used to it and treat him normally – even Sugawara and Daichi. Maybe then Tsukishima would tell people, once he saw that the others would be okay about it...

                He buried his face into his pillow, suppressing the urge to yell in frustration. He was scared that everyone was going to treat him differently, he wasn’t sure he could deal with it. _Tsukishima doesn’t treat you differently_. He realised the voice was right, Tsukishima knew and still treated him the same way as he had before. Sure they’d become friends, so things had changed a bit, but he’d never treated him differently just because he had anxiety. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, even if everyone else treated him differently, he’d still have Tsukishima...


	27. Pouting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Today you get a bit of Tsukishima POV, probably a little different experience to Asahi's :P  
> Also just letting you know I might not be able to update until next weekend. My thesis is due in less than a month and I haven't even finished data collection yet *gulp*, so I've got to devote a hefty chunk of time to starting that.
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                He could feel his eyes on him as soon as he walked in the gym doors the next morning. Yamaguchi seemed oblivious, but then again he wasn’t the one being stared at. Tsukishima looked in Asahi’s direction, brow furrowing a little when he noticed Asahi quickly averting his gaze. So he wasn’t supposed to know he was being stared at. Approaching Asahi, he felt confident that there wasn’t something on his face or anything, Yamaguchi would have told him on the way if there’d been something amiss. Why was Asahi staring then? Was he still intimidated?

                Tsukishima hesitated a little. He could certainly be intimidating when he wanted to be, it was a skill he found extremely useful in dealing with the swarm of idiots that seemed to assault him whenever he left the house. But he couldn’t help but wince a little when he thought that even when he wasn’t trying to be intimidating, Asahi was still put off.

                He still walked up to Asahi however, taking a spot next to him while he waited for the others to arrive so that practice could begin. Normally he hated being early, it meant he had to wait around before practice began, plus it meant wasted minutes he could have spent sleeping. He could feel Asahi looking at him again, so putting on the most passive, non-intimidating face he could muster so early in the morning, he turned to return the gaze.

                “Ah!” Asahi startled, apparently not expecting Tsukishima to turn to face him, “Uh, hi,” he greeted with a sheepish smile

                “Hello,” Tsukishima replied quietly, feeling a swirling in his abdomen. He averted his gaze, silently cursing himself. Why did he keep acting like this. Standing next to Asahi, he’d found, was... pleasant. Reassuring in a way, although what he needed to be reassured about he didn’t know. When Daichi called everyone over to begin practice and start leading them in their warm up exercises, Tsukishima remained at Asahi’s side.

                When they started pairing up for more exercises, Tsukishima was irked to find Yamaguchi had already headed over to Ennoshita. Normally the two of them just partnered with each other. Hearing a polite cough behind him, Tsukishima turned to find Asahi standing awkwardly.

                “Um, I think everyone else already has partners...” he mumbled, and Tsukishima looked around to see that that was indeed the case. Quashing the tumultuous feelings in his chest, he walked over to a vacant spot of the gym floor where they wouldn’t hit anyone else, Asahi following meekly.

                They started off with sit ups, Tsukishima holding Asahi’s ankles while he began pulling himself upright over and over. At first Tsukishima was just staring at Asahi’s ankles. He couldn’t get over just how warm to the touch he seemed to be. Perhaps he was just cold he half laughed bitterly, wondering if perhaps Asahi found his icy grip on his legs unsettling. Looking up to try and gauge his response, he came face to face with him, having looked up just as Asahi had reached the top of a sit up.

                Asahi froze stiffly for a moment, eyes awkwardly locked with Tsukishima’s, breathing heavily and flushed just a few centimetres from his face. If he leaned forward a little bit he could probably-

                “Ah, sorry,” Asahi apologised in a strangled voice, allowing himself to drop back to the floor so he wasn’t so close to him. Tsukishima turned away quickly, trying to calm down a little. What had he been thinking about just then? _Get a grip_ , he scolded himself, _What are you, some cat in heat or something?_ Asahi carried on with the sit ups, avoiding looking at Tsukishima, not that Tsukishima dared to look in his direction either.

                When it came his turn to do the sit ups, he tried not to focus on the large hands gripping onto his ankles, if you could even call that a grip. It felt like Asahi was scared he was going to snap his legs in two if he applied any actual pressure, mostly just resting his hands on his skin. Thankfully he was able to stop himself from blushing, at least nothing that wouldn’t be passed off as just a flush from the exercise.

                Stretching was the worst. Taking Asahi’s hands in his, he was thankful that at least he couldn’t accidentally look him in the face this time. Leaning back, he got goosebumps as his whole body was pressed against Asahi’s as his feet lifted off the floor, stretching out his back before Asahi rocked backwards to let him down again. Leaning forwards, Tsukishima noticed Asahi wasn’t actually doing the stretch, he was just leaning back a bit without letting his feet leave the ground.

                “You know I’m not going to break if you do it properly,” Tsukishima commented under his breath, just loud enough for Asahi to hear.

                “Ah, sorry,” Asahi apologised, “I’m used to doing this with Noya-san, or at least someone shorter than me...” Tsukishima could practically feel Asahi’s embarrassment radiating off him, or perhaps that was just the body heat that seemed to permanently be coming off of him at such close range.

                “Well, just do it properly – you’ll get hurt if you don’t stretch,” Tsukishima mumbled.

                “Ah, right, sorry,” Asahi apologised again, leaning back properly this time. Tsukishima braced his knees a little as he felt Asahi’s weight lift onto his back. He could feel strands of his hair already loose from his tight bun tickling the back of his neck. With anyone else he would have been disgusted having to have so much physical contact with someone, but he felt like revelling in the sensations coming from every square inch of skin of his that was pressed up against Asahi right now.

                Once warming up was over, they began practice proper. Tsukishima could still feel Asahi looking at him every now and again, but he was having a hard enough time focusing on not staring himself. _Stop it_ , he cautioned himself, _You’re acting pathetic – he’s just some stupid jock who can’t even go five seconds without apologising or freaking out, just stop it_

 

                *******

 

                “What?” Tsukishima finally snaps. He and Yamaguchi are eating lunch at their desks. He’d considered wandering over to Asahi’s classroom to see if he was alone or not, but thought better of it. Instead he’d been sitting here with Yamaguchi, who had spent half the time side eyeing him rather than rambling on with his typical blather.

                “It’s nothing Tsukki...” Yamaguchi replied, looking down at his bento to start picking at the leftover grains of rice. Tsukishima sat, waiting impatiently for the rest of whatever he had to say. “You just seem kinda... pouty, today,”

                “I’m not _pouting_ ,” Tsukishima asserted, his dignity wounded by the suggestion that _he_ would be sitting around pouting, of all things.

                “Of course not, I must be imagining it, sorry Tsukki,” Yamaguchi apologised, looking anything but sincere. Tsukishima just continued to pick through his bento, grumbling. He realised Yamaguchi probably deliberately abandoned him during warm up this morning. This was his fault. And he wasn’t pouting.


	28. A Pamphlet for Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I'm back!
> 
> Sorry for taking so long, I'm going to try really hard to update these as usual but there might be some slip ups for the next two weeks. After that though I'm done with assessment forever, so hopefully you can put up with me for that long :P
> 
> Today's chapter is a bit short, but I hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                _It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. Just do it like you practiced_. Asahi walked to school, pace a lot brisker than usual. He tried to slow down a bit, getting there early and having to wait around with nothing but his thoughts was not a pleasant idea, but his nervous energy kept him going at a quick rate. Reaching the school gates, he checked his phone to realise he was fifteen minutes early. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too long, Daichi and Sugawara would probably be here soon enough to open everything up and get started. At least he wasn’t going to get a lecture about being late today.

                He stood waiting outside the locked gym doors, not bothering to go put his bag away in the club room. It was probably locked anyway. Foot tapping anxiously he tried to still it, only for his hands to start slapping against his legs as his nerves started to get the better of him. By the time Daichi and Sugawara arrived five minutes later he was pacing in a circle outside the gym, running his hands through his hair incessantly.

                “Uh, Asahi? Are you alright?” Sugawara asked, stepping forward tentatively to tap Asahi on the shoulder, making him jump and turn around, startled by the boy’s sudden presence.

                “A-ah, Suga, um, yes,” he spluttered, “Uh, I actually h-have a question,”

                “What is it?” Sugawara responded cautiously, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

                “Yes, um, I was wondering if I c-could, um, say something today – to the team?” Asahi explained, running his hand through his hair again. _Oh god I’m already sweating_ , he panicked, _How am I going to do this?_

                “Say something?” Daichi interjected, “I guess we can gather the team before we start, but what do you want to tell them?”

                “If you’re this worried about it- Is something wrong?” Sugawara added in a concerned tone.

                “I was thinking, um, I could tell the team about, you know...” Asahi trailed off, words sticking in his throat as Sugawara at least seemed to catch on to what he was trying to say.

                “Oh, are you sure? You always said you didn’t want anyone else to know,” Sugawara pointed out, “Not that I think anything bad will happen – they’re all good people, I’m sure they’ll understand,”

                “O-okay, thanks,” Asahi thanked them quietly, looking down at his feet nervously as he noticed some of the others starting to arrive. Daichi unlocked the gym doors and headed in with Sugawara and Asahi following, Asahi carrying in his bag with him. Soon enough the others trickled in as well. Once everyone was there Daichi called them all in.

                “Alright everyone, we’ll start in a minute, but first Asahi has something he wanted to say,” Daichi explained to the huddle of boys. Most of them then looked to Asahi curiously, trying to guess what he might want. Flinching back a little from the sudden attention, Asahi steeled himself and stepped forward. He managed to catch Tsukishima’s eyes for a moment, for once filled with curiosity rather than apathetic disinterest.

                “Uh, um,” Asahi coughed a little, throat starting to seize up as he felt everyone’s expectant eyes on him. He just closed his eyes for a second and took a calming breath, trying not to think about how stupid he must look. In fact when he opened his eyes he noticed Kageyama had already become disinterested and a few other’s eyes were starting to wander. He wasn’t sure if this was an improvement or not. Bracing himself Asahi tried to start again,

                “I, uh, I wanted to to say something to you guys today,” Asahi started, trying to ignore how badly his voice just broke, “And, um, I hope it doesn’t change your opinion of me, but I thought I should tell you,” Looking around he noticed he had everyone’s attention again. Most seemed curious as to what he was talking about, but Tsukishima seemed concerned. He wondered if he had already guessed what he was going to say.

                “Um, I have what’s called an anxiety disorder. It’s, um, a condition where I get anxious a lot, even when I shouldn’t be, and um, I sometimes have these attacks and, uh...” Asahi swallowed harshly, suddenly feeling very aware of everyone staring at him. “Uh, I have some stuff as well!” he yelped, eager to take the focus off of him. Rummaging through his bag he pulled out a small wad of the various information pamphlets he’d collected and thrust them at Sugawara who took them and offered them awkwardly to the others.

                Asahi stood to the side awkwardly, watching how they all seemed to be reacting. He was hoping that maybe they’d be a bit weird for a day or two but that they’d eventually just settle down. Nishinoya seemed first in line to get a pamphlet, poring over it intently. Tanaka got one, and the other three third years passed one between them looking at it with a vague interest. Yamaguchi took one and started reading it curiously, although Tsukishima seemed to be somewhat unhappy about the fact. Kageyama and Hinata shared one, both squinting at the page trying to comprehend what it was talking about. At this point, evidently finished with the first, Nishinoya came back and took all the left over pamphlets and began reading through them as well.

                After another minute or two, Coach Ukai walked in and told them to start stretching to warm up for practice. Everyone handed the pamphlets back to Asahi, who was trying not to make too much eye contact with them, still unsure of how they’d taken it. Kageyama and Hinata were bickering about something, although he wasn’t sure whether it was about what had just happened or if they were already back onto volleyball. Yamaguchi gave him a small smile, although Tsukishima didn’t come over, opting to stare at him oddly from where he was waiting for Yamaguchi.

                The most disconcerting was probably Nishinoya. He was the last one in line and when he handed back his small collection of pamphlets he grabbed Asahi’s hands and gave him an uncomfortably intense look right into his eyes for a solid five seconds before the coach called to him to stop messing around and to start stretching. Quickly shoving the pamphlets back in his bag, hoping they wouldn’t get too crumpled, Asahi went over to join everyone else, trying to ignore the unsubtle looks they were all occasionally giving him. Nishinoya worried him the most. Something about the way he’d looked at him had been particularly off-putting.


	29. The Guardian Deity Awakens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> I know, I know, I am not in fact dead :D I know I haven't updated anything for almost three weeks, I honestly just didn't have the time. But I have now completed my thesis and have plenty of time for writing other things such as fanfics! Yay! I should now go back to my original schedule of updating this fic on Thursdays and Saturdays, and same for all my other fics.  
> Again, sorry for the somewhat unannounced hiatus, hopefully it won't take me too long to get back into the swing of things :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                It was like a prickling on the back of his neck. He could _feel_ them looking whenever he turned away. Trying to calm his breathing, Asahi tried to refocus on volleyball practice. As he jumped to spike the ball however he fumbled, hitting it awkwardly into the net. It was admittedly his own fault, he wasn’t paying attention and normally he would have just run his fingers though his hair sheepishly and gone to the back of the line to wait for his next turn. He should of known it wouldn’t be so easy.

                “Kageyama just set it wrong, you should do it again!” Nishinoya proclaimed from his spot next in line after Asahi. Kageyama spluttered at the insinuation until he pulled a weird face and seemed to decide to set for Asahi again.

                “No no, it’s okay Kageyama, you were fine – I just wasn’t paying enough attention,” Asahi tried to explain, stomach already starting to sink. He tried to excuse himself but it only seemed to make Nishinoya antsier.

                “Pfft, he probably just doesn’t want to miss twice in a row,” Tsukishima snickered from the back, the comment seeming to echo throughout the gym. Asahi didn’t particularly mind, it was true after all and besides, that was what Tsukishima was like with everyone. Apparently Nishinoya didn’t agree however, if the redness of his face was anything to go by.

                “Tsukishima!” the libero hissed so loudly there was no way Asahi wouldn’t have heard it, “You can’t say stuff like that any more!”

                “Why not?” Tsukishima drawled, clearly baiting Nishinoya, “I’ll say whatever I want,”

                “It’s different!” Nishinoya whispered gratingly, still apparently unaware nor uncaring that he was quite audible to everyone else “You’ll... give him the _anxiety_!” Tsukishima’s eyes almost seemed to bulge for a moment before he burst out laughing.

                “Oh my god, the look on your face!” he gasped, Nishinoya caught between surprise and anger, “Did you hear that, I’ll ‘ _give him the anxiety_ ’!” he turned to Yamaguchi who was looking somewhat oddly at Tsukishima himself.

                “D-don’t listen to him Asahi-san! He’s just a jerk who-“ Nishinoya turned around, presumably to reassure Asahi only to see him start snickering himself. “A-Asahi-san?” Asahi struggled not to laugh, trying to swallow down the small giggles bubbling up his throat, but he couldn’t help but let a few slip out through his clenched lips. Honestly it wasn’t even what Nishinoya had said that was so funny, rather it was just Tsukishima’s laugh. It seemed contagious, Asahi unable to stop a loud guffaw from escaping when the other boy snorted.

                The rest of the team looked on, uncertain of what was happening, while Nishinoya began to look panicked. Forgetting Tsukishima, the libero rushed over to Asahi with a look of concern plastered across his face,

                “Are you okay Asahi-san? Asahi?!” Nishinoya asked worriedly, “Are you having an _attack_?!” he gasped in shock.

                “N-n-no,” Asahi managed through trying to rein in his laughter as Tsukishima’s own cawing began to die out. The nervous tension of the whole morning had set him on edge, but the sudden burst of laughter seemed to have melted most of his anxieties away.

                “I think Asahi’s fine Nishinoya,” Sugawara reassured him, approaching the fretting boy

                “Are you sure? How do you know he’s okay?” Nishinoya rambled while Sugawara tried to calm him down, telling him he’d seen Asahi have an attack before and this wasn’t it. That seemed to be the wrong move though, as upon hearing of Asahi having an attack multiple times before, Nishinoya appeared to become even more defensive. “This is your fault,” he pointed accusingly at Tsukishima who was still wiping his eyes dramatically as he sought to catch his breath, “You’re not allowed to be such a jerk to Asahi-san any more, you hear?!”

                “And I thought I told you I’d say whatever I wanted, Nishinoya- _senpai_ ,” Tsukishima reiterated mockingly, the sarcastic use of the honorific only seeming to rile Nishinoya up more.

                “Suga-san! Can’t you make him-!” Nishinoya started, turning to the vice-captain for back up

                “Nishinoya’s right Tsukishima, while you should try not to be so mean-spirited to all of your team mates, considering Asahi’s circumstances you really should try to make an effort to-“ Sugawara attempted to reason with Tsukishima, before he cut him off.

                “And what exactly are Asahi’s thoughts on all this?” Tsukishima asked pointedly at both Sugawara and Nishinoya, “Is he mute now too? If he wants me to ‘make an effort’, then he can get the spine to say it to me himself – maybe then I’ll consider it, but otherwise I don’t see what it has to do with either of you,”

                Asahi stood watching, a little dumbfounded by Tsukishima’s words. He was one of the first people, besides his family and Takao-san, who had somehow managed to both treat him like everyone else while still accepting and allowing for his anxiety. Sugawara looked a touch embarrassed by his words, unsure of himself all of a sudden, while Nishinoya still seemed like he was about to start frothing at the mouth and make a lunge in Tsukishima’s direction.

                “Noya-san, it’s fine, really,” Asahi declared softly, not even sure if Nishinoya heard him at first, jumping a little when he heard the first bell ring outside the gym.

                “Just... you better not be mean to Asahi-san anymore, got it?” Nishinoya threatened vaguely through gritted teeth before storming out of the gym, joining the others who’d already began to file out. Tsukishima just appeared amused by the boy’s whole attempt at intimidation. As he turned to walk out of the gym, Yamaguchi still by his side even after having been unusually hesitant to side with Tsukishima before, Asahi walked over to catch up to him. Yamaguchi gave Tsukishima a look as if to ask if he should go on ahead, but Asahi spoke before he could go.

                “Um, just, uh, try not to make Noya-san too worked up,” Asahi pleaded, “He means well-“

                “If he meant well, he wouldn’t treat you like someone one minor incident away from a complete nervous breakdown,” Tsukishima responded quickly, turning to go again, leaving Asahi to rush out of the gym by himself so as to not be late to class.


	30. Déjà Vu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's that?! Nightshade updated a fic?! Are you high or something?
> 
> No my friend, you are perfectly sober AND sane (probably) and I have in fact finally updated. Hopefully this should mark a return to a regular update schedule. Again, sorry about all the time since last update, I've just been struggling to get back into the rhythm of writing. I hope you enjoy this chapter, I actually quite enjoyed it, I've been thinking a lot more about the characters and their thoughts/motivations etc. so I hope that will be reflected as I continue onwards :D
> 
> Thanks for reading,
> 
> nightshade

                It’s not like Tsukishima was entirely wrong, Asahi thought to himself, but it also wasn’t like Nishinoya wasn’t just trying to care in his own way. Asahi was sitting, thinking it over while in one of the boys’ toilet stalls. He was a little ashamed that he had been there for almost twenty minutes, after having half fled his classroom in a panic. Even though he knew none of the team would have told anyone else about his anxiety after he told them not to, he couldn’t help but worry. Every glance, every giggle, every time someone walked past his desk, he’d been worried that they’d somehow found out.

                His nerves had eventually gotten the best of him and he’d fled for the toilets, locking himself in a stall until he’d finally calmed down. The team had not responded as well as he could have hoped for, but it wasn’t much different from what he’d expected. Nishinoya was the real wild card, as usual. He’d expected the boy to be dismissive, tell him that he just needed to be more confident, all that self-confidence stuff he was always trying to say. Instead he was suddenly coddling him, like he was made of glass. Like Tsukishima had said, that it was like Nishinoya expected him to break down into tears at any second. Although to be fair, after this morning it wasn’t that far from the truth.

                Laughing at the time, thinking back he was now terrified by Nishinoya’s words. They had seemed so ridiculous at the time, emphasised by Tsukishima’s laughter, that he’d been able to ignore it a little. But as they sunk in afterwards he just got more and more depressed. He shouldn’t have told them. It was stupid, he’d been trying to be a role model for Tsukishima, show him that people would accept him if he opened up, but it had all backfired on him.

                Asahi unlocked the stall door, walking over to the sink to wash his face with the cool water. He jumped a little, water still in his eyes, when the door opened and two second years walked in chatting. They seemed to ignore him as he quickly dried his face on his shirt and rushed out into the hall. He was confronted with a number of people, walking around to different places, chatting with each other. Again, he couldn’t help but feel their eyes looking at him when his back was turned, chattering amongst themselves about him. He couldn’t go back to his classroom, it wouldn’t be any better, so he decided to find somewhere else, somewhere quiet.

                Making his way down the halls as quickly as he could without drawing any attention, Asahi wove between people, trying to ignore the itching on the back of his neck making him want to turn around and find out who was looking at him. He knew no one was looking at him, but at the same time he was certain that everyone was. Finally reaching a door, he breathed deeply a few times after getting outside, quickly moving on again when he noticed a group of girls looking at him with odd expressions. Walking around, he somehow managed to find himself heading towards the bench under the tree where Tsukishima sometimes went. Perhaps his subconscious had guided his feet there, knowing it was somewhere he would probably be alone.

                As he began to approach however, an all too familiar scene appeared before his eyes. Tsukishima was standing in front of the bench, Nishinoya jumping about madly in front of him. His heart leapt to his throat for a moment before he recognised Tsukishima’s confidently relaxed posture and trademark smirk. He wasn’t having a panic attack, probably (he was still worried about just how good Tsukishima might be at hiding them). Nishinoya was still speaking angrily, seemingly getting only more enraged every time Tsukishima spoke.

                “What did Asahi ever do to you, you stupid bratty punk?!” Nishinoya asked through gritted teeth, “What kind of jerk makes fun of someone else for being sick?! He can’t help it!”

                “You can’t help being short, doesn’t mean it’s not funny,” Tsukishima commented calmly, smirk curling up at the corners a little more when Nishinoya became flustered.

                “This isn’t about me- Just, you can’t do that stuff to Asahi! You’re gonna make him really sick and he’ll die and it’ll be all your fault!” Nishinoya yelled, voice starting to crack a little, “You don’t even care do you! He could just drop dead and you’d probably laugh at him! You don’t know what it’s must be like to have to live like that!”

                “And you do?” Tsukishima’s icy voice silenced Nishinoya, eyes suddenly piercing the boy with his gaze, “If you knew the first thing about it you’d realise just how stupid you are. Stop babying him and treat him like everyone else,” Tsukishima made to start walking off, but Nishinoya recovered quickly from Tsukishima’s paralysing stare, and grabbed his arm to pull him back. Tsukishima was jerked back, looking down at Nishinoya with a look of half-disgust on his face at being touched by him.

                “You can’t just treat him like everyone else Tsukishima,” Nishinoya insisted, still through gritted teeth, but in a much more reserved, defeated tone than his previous explosion, “He’s... he’s _different_ ,”

                “Um, Tsukishima?” Asahi asked, cautiously approaching the two, “Is everything okay?”

                “Of course it is Asahi,” Tsukishima replied, jerking his arm out of Nishinoya’s grip, “Just dealing with idiots,”

                “Ah, I’m sorry,” Asahi apologised, “It’s my faul-“

                “It’s not your fault he’s an idiot, you idiot,” Tsukishima retorted, walking off back towards the school buildings without another word. Nishinoya came up to Asahi, trying to explain that he’d just been telling Tsukishima not to be so mean anymore. Asahi just calmly cut off the fretting boy,

                “I-it’s okay Noya-san,” he reassured him, “I don’t mind,”

                With that Asahi began walking back into the school too, Nishinoya soon on his tail as the warning bell rung. When he got back to class though he still felt like everyone was staring at him. Judging him. Like they knew. He shuddered and buckled down, trying to write notes and ignore it despite his anxious mind running around in frantic circles, leaving him with little more than a few random bullet points by the end of the lesson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. If you are interested, in order to help me get back into the swing of things, I'd really like to do a few one shots, so if you have any ideas feel free to either put them in the comments, or message me on tumblr (http://nightshade--19.tumblr.com/) and I'll give them a shot. I'm open to pretty much any ship, most AUs (I don't like crossover AUs sorry, but that's about my only no) as well as either sfw or nsfw :D


	31. Tsukishima Raises His Voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Late again :P But this time you get an extra long chapter to make up for it? Yes?  
> I hope you enjoy, we're starting to get to the really good stuff now
> 
> Thank you for all the kind comments on the last chapter,
> 
> nightshade

                Afternoon classes having just finished, Asahi stayed seated at his desk, waiting for the rush of leaving students to die down. Once the room had been largely vacated, except for a few dawdlers staying behind and chatting, Asahi began packing away his things. His notes from today were all barely intelligible scribbles, and he knew he’d have to rewrite them out that night if he ever hoped to pass. He packed his things into his bag slowly. Daichi was probably going to reprimand him again for being late, but he struggled to care. The thought of going into that gym, where everybody now knew, and really was treating him different was unbearable. Even in class today the only thing he had to hold onto was that, logically, he knew they didn’t know, they weren’t really treating him differently, even if his anxiety didn’t seem to agree. At practice he wouldn’t even have that.

                Half-baked plans to skip practice and go straight home flitted through his head, only to be just as quickly dismissed. If he tried something like that he was certain that someone would probably come looking for him, probably Sugawara. Daichi would probably be even more disappointed in him the next morning for skipping. Trudging through the school towards the gym, he tried to focus his mind. If he kept letting his anxiety cloud his head like this there was no way he’d be able to practice properly. He just needed to give them more time, it was probably a lot to deal with, and he was regretting burdening them with it. Hopefully given some time though, they wouldn’t be as bad and things might return to normal, at least a little bit. Maybe he should try and stick to Tsukishima today, try and retain some sense of normality. At least he could rely on him to be his usual snarky self.

                A ghost of a smile passed over Asahi’s face as he approached the gym, first heading up to the club room to drop off his bag. As he opened the door he almost ran into a bickering Hinata and Kageyama. They both went oddly silent upon seeing him, Hinata fidgeting wildly with his hands while Kageyama’s face was pulled into some awkward contortion.

                “S-sorry Asahi-san!” Hinata squeaked, Kageyama bowing his head quickly before the rushed past him, bickering forgotten. Asahi felt the small smile drop from his face, any hope of a normal practice session completely quashed. Entering the room with a gloomy demeanour, Asahi quickly put on his volleyball gear and made his way down to the gym.

                Entering, he could hear the sound of shoes squeaking on the floor and volleyballs hitting hands, meaning he’d already missed stretches. Bracing himself for a lecture from Daichi, he was surprised to get little more than a nod acknowledging his arrival. Uncertain of what was happening, he was startled when he got a tap on the shoulder from Sugawara.

                “Ah, sorry Asahi, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Sugawara apologised sheepishly, “I just wanted to tell you that if you’re not feeling up to practice today, you can go home,”

                “N-no, I’m fine,” Asahi replied after a moment of hesitation. The offer was tempting, but he figured he’d have to deal with it sooner or later, and leaving now would probably just antagonise the situation. As long as he kept acting normally, the others would hopefully realise they didn’t have to treat him any differently most of the time.

                “Well okay then,” Sugawara accepted his answer cautiously, “But make sure you stretch properly first,”

                “Of course Suga,” Asahi assured him, trying to present a calm expression despite the fact that he could feel himself boiling inside, just beneath the surface. Not without a few more glances in his direction from Sugawara, Asahi finished stretching and moved over to join the others.

                Gravitating to Tsukishima’s side, he greeted him with a slight smile, Tsukishima acknowledging him with a glance. Perhaps he was still a bit annoyed after the incident he’d had with Nishinoya at lunch. Attempting to make small talk, he didn’t notice when Nishinoya was suddenly beside him, tugging him away to ‘help practice receiving’. A little confused by what was happening, it wasn’t hard for Nishinoya to steer Asahi over to the other side of the court while Tsukishima stood back looking peeved.

                “Don’t stand near him, Asahi-san,” Nishinoya hissed once they were out of earshot, “He’s just a jerk, you should come practice with me instead,” Asahi attempted to defend Tsukishima, but his words kept coming out muddled and Nishinoya kept shushing him, telling him he was just being nice. Resigning himself to his fate, he began helping Nishinoya, spiking the ball for the libero to receive.

                They’d been going for not even ten minutes when Asahi accidentally jumped a bit too late, hitting the ball into the net. He started to apologise for his clumsiness and get ready to serve again when Nishinoya interrupted him.

                “Do you need to take a break Asahi-san? It’s okay, I think maybe you should rest a bit,” Nishinoya suggested, starting to wave Asahi over to the side of the court.

                “N-no, it’s fine Noya-san, I just jumped late that time-“ Asahi tried to explain, before being cut off again.

                “You don’t need to worry Asahi-san, I’m sure it’s fine. Maybe you should just go home now and rest? I don’t want you to push yourself too hard,” What was Nishinoya talking about? Normally he’d be the first to tell Asahi to try harder, and that he’ll do better next time, and to just apply himself. Now he was telling him to go home, that he was doing alright enough already.

                Asahi could start to feel his breathing start to increase, a bit more than just from practice. His chest was starting to feel a little constricted too. This was because of his anxiety, wasn’t it? Nishinoya didn’t believe in him anymore, he wasn’t good enough anymore in the libero’s eyes.

                “Noya-san, i-it’s okay, I want to k=keep-“ Asahi tried to stammer out. If he gave up now, he’d just become exactly what Nishinoya seemed to think he was now. Some pathetic invalid who couldn’t do anything, was only on the team out of pity. He was just humouring him, letting him think he was still the ace but laughing about it behind his back. Why? Wasn’t Nishinoya always the one who believed in him, even when he didn’t believe in himself? Why was he sudden;y not good enough for him anymore?

                “Asahi-san?! Asahi-san?! Are you okay, do you need to sit down?” Nishinoya’s voice was starting to sound fuzzy as the voices whispering in his head started getting louder. His heartbeat was thudding in his ears and he could feel the heat rising in his body as his hands began to shake. Everyone just pitied him now, no one thought he was good enough. He started to double over, eyes happening to catch a glance of Tsukishima, looking bored stuck in some conversation with Ennoshita.

                “Tsukishima?” Asahi mumbled, Tsukishima didn’t pity him, or think any less of him. He was the only one it seemed, who understood what he wanted.

                “Tsukishima?!” Nishinoya yelped in outrage, clearly misinterpreting Asahi’s mumbling, “Did he do this?! Just ignore him Asahi-san, he’s a horrible jerk!” Nishinoya was starting to become visibly angry and concerned as he fretted over Asahi, not sure what exactly was going on.

                Tsukishima, having heard his name across the gym, turned with a look of exasperation to see what was happening now. Sighting Asahi, near doubled over while Nishinoya fluttered about him screaming, his eyes widened as he quickly deduced that Asahi was having an anxiety attack, and Nishinoya was most definitely not helping.

                Asahi saw Tsukishima turn, eyes widening, only for him to blink and for Tsukishima to be next to him, pushing an outraged Nishinoya out of the way. Suddenly Tsukishima’s hand was flat against the middle of  his chest, pushing him back with surprising strength. Stumbling backwards, Asahi was disoriented and panicked by the attack, Tsukishima seemingly steering him somewhere, flashes of Nishinoya hot on his heels, the rest of the team jogging over as well. All of them would see him like this, would confirm their worst thoughts that he was pathetic and useless.

                His back hit something soft as Tsukishima shoved him into the storage closet, stumbling back into a pile of floor mattresses. Tsukishima slammed the door shut behind them, just before the others caught up, propping it closed with a broom. Nishinoya started banging at the door, yelling loudly, but Asahi wasn’t really coherent enough to make out his words.

                “QUIET!” Tsukishima boomed through the door, seemingly startling those outside as much as he did Asahi as there was a brief pause in the banging before it restarted again. Looking pissed, Tsukishima turned to Asahi and walked over, pulling something out of his pocket as he approached. Unsure what was happening, Asahi didn’t have a chance to resist when something was shoved in his ears. Flittering eyes were caught by Tsukishima’s harsh gaze, relaxing as his face softened and he held a single finger up to his pursed lips to quieten him. Pushing a few buttons on his phone, soft music began to drift into his ears, starting to drown out the sounds of banging and yelling.

                Reaching out and taking Asahi in his arms, Tsukishima pulled him into an embrace, rocking gently from side to side as Asahi focused on the calming melody and the comforting feeling of Tsukishima’s body pressed against his, like a security blanket wrapped around him. He let his head fall onto Tsukishima’s shoulder and felt fingers, undoing his hair and combing through it, relaxing him. As embarrassing as it would be to admit, he felt safe with Tsukishima, his hands softly stroking his head.

                Memory of what happened beyond that are fuzzy. He wasn’t sure whether or not Tsukishima finally opened the door or if they storage closet know had another broken broom in it, but eventually the door must have opened. Vague memories of Sugawara’s and Daichi’s concerned faces come to mind, but no one else. Perhaps the others had all gone home. Perhaps the only other somewhat distinct memory is walking down a stretch of sidewalk on the way home, Tsukishima walking next to him. He remembers stumbling, tripping on a small crack in the ground, Tsukishima’s hand gripping his shoulder to steady him before they carried on.

                After that, waking up in his bed early the next morning is his next memory. He must have gone straight to bed, especially if his growling stomach is any indicator. Lying in bed, he wonders what’s going to happen. Even free of all that anxiety clouding his mind, burned up for the time being after the attack, he can’t see things going well at the next practice. Rolling over he tries to think of other things as he pulls the covers over his head. Groaning, he remembers he still has to rewrite out all his notes from yesterday.

 


	32. How To Speak Tsukishima

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,  
> I'm really bad at updating on time aren't I :P  
> I promise you'll get another chapter tomorrow as well, we're getting to some really good stuff - all the drama and angst - so hopefully it shouldn't be too hard to motivate myself to write more
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi walked into the library, taking a moment to appreciate the air conditioning inside after having walked in the blazing sun. It had been unusually hot that day, and he was wishing he hadn’t decided to wear his jeans. He was stupidly early, but he’d been sitting in his room worrying all morning, quite a draining exercise given his anxiety attack only having happened such a short time ago. He knew he’d have to bring it up in today’s session. He knew he didn’t _have_ to, but he was positive that if Takao-san asked he wouldn’t be able to say no.

                Now wandering around the shelves aimlessly, Asahi foolishly realised that he’d just moved the problem, as now he was going to spend the whole time worrying here instead. At least his room was in private, away from the eyes of others, unlike here. Skulking back into the library, he was to wrapped up in his other concerns to worry about looking shady. Running his fingers over the spines of the old reference books surrounding him, he noticed one was about dinosaurs and his thoughts turned to Tsukishima. He wistfully wondered if he would show up early, talking to him would at least mean he wasn’t standing around stuck in his own head.

                Thinking about Tsukishima quickly brought back the sketchy memories he had of his last attack in the gym. The stress of it all had finally gotten to him, he should have seen it coming, known that he couldn’t hold it together. It had been obvious all day, but he’d just ignored it, not wanting to draw any more attention to his anxiety than he already had. He’d tried to remember what he could, trying to recall any detail about what had transpired while lying in bed the morning after, but a lot of it was still hazy.  Lost in thought, his mind drifted to the vague memories of Tsukishima holding him, more remembered sensations than images. The feeling of his hand combing through his hair, the sound of some unknown music blocking out the muffled chaos coming from outside.

               “What are you doing?” Tsukishima’s asked in a wary voice, turning the bookshelf to find Asahi staring off into space, hands fidgeting while he spaced out.

                “Wha-! Uh, um, hi Tsukishima!” Asahi yelped, snapping out of his reverie, face burning from embarrassment. He pulled his hands apart, keeping them down by his sides, hoping his face wasn’t showing the heat he could feel rising in his cheeks.

                “You didn’t answer the question,” Tsukishima prodded, eyes narrowing a little behind his glasses. Before Asahi could answer, a small pile of books that had been teetering on the edge of a book trolley fell over with a series of muffled thumps. Seizing the distraction, Asahi ran over to clean them up before  a librarian came and blamed them. Surprisingly, he felt Tsukishima squat down next to him and begin helping him pick up the books. Daring to look at him out of the corner of his eye, he was met with a suspicious stare, making him focus back on the task at hand to avoid it. He’d stopped asking, so hopefully this meant he’d stopped prying. Hopefully he’d just forget about it.

                Asahi wasn’t a hundred percent sure why he was so embarrassed but, he couldn’t help but think it was weird. ‘ _Who thinks about that? About their friend? He’d think I was weird or something, at least more than he already does,_ ’ Groaning a little in embarrassment, he stilled when he realised Tsukishima had noticed his small sound.

                “What is it?” Tsukishima asked accusingly, apparently not having forgotten. They both stood up, placing the last of the books back on the trolley, Tsukishima looking at him like some kind of predator stalking his prey.

                “Uh, um, thank you for your help the other day!” Asahi panicked, blurting out the first thing that came to his head. He quickly regretted his words, but was also a little thankful he hadn’t said something worse. Tsukishima appraised him carefully, as if choosing his words wisely, a notion which made Asahi gulp nervously.

                “No problem,” Tsukishima finally mumbled, before turning to look at the books on the shelf next to them, hands quickly narrowing in on the one dinosaur book. Asahi’s head started clocking over at the seemingly simple response. If there was one thing he’d learnt from his time with Tsukishima, it was that everything meant something else. Or rather, he meant exactly what he’d said, but just not in the way you might think? It was confusing, like he was speaking in some obtuse code all the time, but in a way Asahi liked it. Because he never lied. Sometimes he misunderstood what Tsukishima had said, but he was never deliberately deceitful. He found it oddly refreshing that, despite the many barbed words and snarky comments, Tsukishima said what he meant and meant what he said. When other people spoke his anxiety could twist their words into all sorts of things, never sure of their true intentions, but with Tsukishima every insult, and every bit of praise, could be taken without any doubt.

                “No problem...” Asahi muttered under his breath, trying to figure out if there was some other meaning in what Tsukishima had said. Apparently having overheard him, Tsukishima looked at him oddly again, “Ah, sorry, just um, talking to myself...” Asahi rambled, voice trailing off under Tsukishima’s careful gaze. His brow wrinkled for a moment, glasses riding up his nose a little as he apparently considered something.

                “I... I didn’t mind doing it,” Tsukishima clarified quietly, seemingly having understood Asahi’s confusion. He quickly returned to his book, not looking for a response. Asahi opened his mouth to give one anyway, but shut it again, silenced by the sight of Tsukishima’s ears starting to turn a bright red as he focused intently on the contents of his book.

                Asahi turned to the shelf as well, not even reading the book titles as his eyes raked over them, too busy trying to think about what had just happened. Mulling it over in his head, Asahi’s mind drifted back to thoughts of Tsukishima comforting him in the gym storage closet. He didn’t mean...? ‘ _No, he just meant it... it wasn’t a burden. He probably thought I was worrying about being burdensome... yeah..._ ’ Asahi thought to himself.

                “I-I don’t mind either!” he suddenly announced, surprising both Tsukishima and himself with his sudden outburst. Looking at Tsukishima with wide eyes, he quickly sought to clarify, “I mean, when you have-... and I-... I don’t mind either...” Quickly looking away again, Asahi breathed a thankful sigh of relief and a prayer to whatever gods were watching over him when Takao-san saw them and called them over to help set up the room. Trying to swallow his mortification at his own actions, he quickly moved to help out, Tsukishima reluctantly trudging behind him.

                About twenty minutes later they were all sitting in the normal room, chairs in a circle, snacks to the side. Tsukishima had apparently decided to sit next to him today, although he was still sure to keep an empty chair between him and everyone else. Apparently he wasn’t the only one to notice, judging by Takao-san’s questioning looks in his direction which he tried to avoid with grim determination. Just as the were about to start however, Takao-san was apparently distracted by something, having seen someone at the door.

                Asahi couldn’t see anyone when he looked now, but Takao-san still walked over to the entrance, opening the door to check. Apparently there had indeed been someone, as he began having some kind of exchange with the mystery person, only to close the door a few moments later and return to his spot in the circle. Asahi wasn’t the only one to send him inquisitive looks, Takao-san waving it off as some elementary school kid getting the wrong room. As the session began, Asahi clung to the small shred of hope that Takao-san wouldn’t ask him anything today, but given the odd glances he’d already gotten as the result of Tsukishima’s seating choice, he doubted that was likely to happen.


	33. Car Ride Through the Countryside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look at that, less than a week since the last update :D  
> I'm taking this as a plus lol, definitely another update by Thursday. I'll also try to start the rewrite of Suga's Saga this week for anyone interested in that.
> 
> Hope you enjoy :P
> 
> nightshade

                Somehow they had managed to make it though the entire session without Takao-san asking Asahi any questions. In fact, Asahi felt rather guilty for being silently thankful for Tahiro having a meltdown almost as soon as he’d sat down, taking up the majority of the session. Once the session had been called to an end, Asahi skipped helping Takao-san clear up like he normally would, instead rushing out of the room. He knew he was avoiding the topic and he wondered if perhaps that was a warning sign of some sort, but he brushed such thoughts to the side, reassuring himself that it was fine.

                Closing the door behind him, muffling the sounds of chairs being dragged along the floor and muffled chatter, Asahi walked swiftly through the library, heading straight for the exit. Absently he looked around for Tsukishima, wondering if he’d already managed to leave in his usual haste or if he was still loitering around waiting for his mother to pick him up. Exiting through the big glass doors at the front of the building, Asahi was startled to find a very perturbed looking Tsukishima staring oddly at one of the bushes up against the front of the library.

                “Um, Tsukishima, is something wrong?” Asahi asked warily, Tsukishima jolting a little by his sudden interjection.

                “Nothing,” Tsukishima mumbled vaguely, “Probably just a cat or something,”. Walking off into the car park, Asahi followed, but not without shooting his own curious glance at the supposedly suspicious bush, wondering if he could spot any cat eyes glinting in between the leaves. Without realising, Asahi followed Tsukishima all the way to where his mother was waiting in the car, just plodding along the other boy silently.

                “Oh, uh, goodbye,” Asahi stammered when Tsukishima came to a stop in front of the car, snapping Asahi out of his slight daze. A long day of fretting had tired him out and he grimaced at the thought of still having to go all the way home before he could finally sleep. Turning to leave, he was stopped by the sound of Tsukishima’s mother’s voice.

                “Does your friend want a ride again? I’m pretty sure I still remember the way,” she asked out the passenger car door as Tsukishima opened it to get in.

                “It’s fine, um, I don’t want to be a hassle-“ Asahi replied, not wanting to impose on Tsukishima, despite the temptation of the offer.

                “Nonsense,” the woman interrupted him, “It’s pretty much on the way, it’s no problem at all,”

                “Ah, okay then, I guess...” Asahi trailed off awkwardly, looking to Tsukishima for guidance but finding nothing more than a slightly bored stare. ‘ _Well, at least he doesn’t seem irritated_ ,’ Asahi thought to himself before bending over to get into the back of the small car. He had to slouch a little to fit, realising Tsukishima had to do the same. The thought made him smile a little, although he wasn’t quite sure what was so amusing about it. Politely reminding Tsukishima’s mother of his address in a quiet voice, Asahi sat back as she pulled out of the library car park and began driving.

                After a few moments of mildly uncomfortable silence, Tsukishima’s mother finally spoke. Or at least Asahi found it mildly uncomfortable, he wasn’t sure if the sentiment was mutual and he wondered perhaps if she had only spoke for his own benefit.

                “So Azumane-kun, did anything interesting happen today? Did Takao-san finally get Kei to speak?” she asked. She tried to smile as if joking, but even in the dim lighting Asahi could tell that there was a glint of concern in her eyes. Before he could respond though, Tsukishima did.

                “Train kid had a freak out,” Tsukishima drawled in a bored voice, drawing a pointed glare from his mother. Asahi couldn’t help but think the resemblance between mother and son in that moment was almost uncanny.

                “Kei, don’t say things like that. Don’t tell me you don’t even know the other kids’ names, you should make at least that much effort,” she admonished

                “Why would I bother wasting the effort?” Tsukishima retorted with snark, turning to look out the window over the dark countryside zooming past. Before his mother could respond she was distracted by Asahi’s sudden giggle. Trying to choke it back, he tried to shrink into the shadows, very aware of the sudden shift in attention onto him from  both mother and son. Their questioning looks prompted a response, so Asahi reluctantly explained.

                “I’m pretty sure he does know Tahiro-kun’s name, I just think he pretends not to know to seem cool, or something...” Asahi’s voice wavered as he continued, feeling Tsukishima’s gaze turn from questioning to indignant. Before he could begin trying to apologise to Tsukishima, he was surprised by his mother’s sudden laughter.

                “I think you’re right!” she laughed loudly, making Asahi a little nervous with her lack of attention to the road, “He would do that too!” She continued laughing while Tsukishima returned to glaring out the window, lips moving silently in what Asahi could only assume were curses against him. He shrank back into his seat, hoping that they would get to his house soon. Buildings were starting to appear along the roadside, signalling they had reached the town at least. He wasn’t looking forward to how Tsukishima would react on Monday. Had he pissed him off too much? He hoped not, he was probably the only person he could talk to normally at this point anyway.

                Thinking of his return to school, he realised he still had little idea of what had transpired during and after his last attack. He hadn’t even checked his phone for messages from Sugawara or Daichi. Mentally setting a reminder for himself to check when he got home, he spent the rest of the trip fretting over what would happen at practice tomorrow morning. Eventually reaching his house, he got out of the car, curtly thanking Tsukishima’s mother for the ride and trying to avoid Tsukishima’s pointed eyes as he walked up to his front door, closing it solidly behind him before he went upstairs to prepare for bed.


	34. Misdiagnosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, yet again I'm late hehe. Hopefully another long chapter will make up for it?  
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

               Twenty-seven missed calls and forty-three messages from Sugawara, and even worse, two missed calls from Daichi. Sugawara he had expected, but for Daichi to have called him – twice – in one weekend, they must be worried. Panicking, Asahi just sent Sugawara a text message telling him that he would explain on Monday, although that was largely just a stall. He had no real idea what to tell them, perhaps just the truth that he didn’t really have much recollection of it. _At least nothing you want to say out loud_ , he thought to himself, ears starting to burn slightly at the flashes of memory he had. Perhaps he could avoid them until he’d had a chance to speak to Tsukishima. He wished he just knew the boy’s phone number or email address, he could just ask now. But of course he did not, why would he... although Tsukishima had insisted they were friends now – or at least as much as one could be friends with Tsukishima.

                Sighing in exhaustion, both mental and physical, Asahi collapsed back onto the bed, pillows rolling off the side with the impact. He couldn’t be bothered picking them up or getting under the covers. He couldn’t even be persuaded to lift his leaden limbs to change into some pyjamas. Instead he just stared at his familiar ceiling until his vision blurred and his eyes shut.

 

                *******

 

                It was immensely irritating. He could _feel_ the eyes. Tsukishima did not like being the centre of attention, at least not when it wasn’t on his terms. As expected, Sugawara and Daichi were focused mostly on Asahi who’d arrived five minutes late and looking as bedraggled as usual. Tsukishima wasn’t exactly a morning person either, but at least he was responsible enough to get here on time and not looking like at least respectable. He had huffed at the sight when the ace had arrived, features softening a little the more he stared at the almost bewildered look he always seemed to have. Asahi really was hopeless sometimes. Somehow he was managing to avoid Sugawara’s persistent advances, helped in part by Hinata and Kageyama’s daily morning argument acting as a distraction. He himself hadn’t gotten more than a few odd looks, with one exception. Nishinoya.

                Something about Nishinoya just seemed... off. He had expected him to perhaps be angry or bitter over everything that had happened. Perhaps Nishinoya had realised the stupidity of his actions and recognised that he had no reason to fell resentful towards him, but that seemed unlikely. It was almost like he was observing, analysing, lacking his usual chaotic energy and instead filled with the unwavering determination usually reserved for games. It made Tsukishima uncomfortable, he was the one who observed and analysed, why did he suddenly feel as if the hunter had become the prey?

 

                *******

 

                Asahi looked tentatively in Sugawara’s direction. Coach Ukai was addressing the team before dismissing them for morning practice, but Sugawara was just shamelessly looking in Asahi’s direction, making him wince a little as he jolted back towards facing the coach. He had the urge to look in Tsukishima’s direction as well, hoping perhaps for some kind of guidance, but he resisted. He didn’t want to drag Tsukishima into anymore of his problems. He’d somehow managed to avoid Sugawara all morning through sheer luck, although the experience had set his nerves on edge. Trying to calm down, he reminded himself that if he just headed straight for class he could avoid Sugawara until lunch at least.

                He knew he was just stalling the inevitable, and probably making things worse by doing so, but he was convinced that if he could somehow talk to Tsukishima first he could get some kind of answer for Sugawara that would make everything better. Somehow he just figured Tsukishima could probably figure something out. Or at least be able to shed a little more light on what had happened after his anxiety attack. Before he knew it, the coach had finished speaking and everyone had started walking out. Jumping forward, Asahi rushed out hoping to avoid being caught and interrogated by Sugawara. Going ahead he quickly reached his first class safely, slinking in and sitting down while trying not to draw too much attention to himself as the other students filed in before the bell rang.

                By the time lunch came around Asahi had a plan. He would go straight to Tsukishima’s classroom, taking a slightly longer route to avoid Sugawara’s classroom, and get him to help somehow. He didn’t know how he was going to convince him, but that was as far as his frazzled brain could plan before giving out to what ifs and uncertainties. But they were friends now right? Tsukishima had said so himself, surely he would at the very least give Asahi a chance to talk before telling him to go away. Asahi fidgeted nervously at his desk waiting for the class to finish.

                As soon as it did, Asahi swept out of the room as surreptitiously as he could before heading off along his planned route. Trying to keep calm as he weaved through cautious first years, as well as keeping a nervous look out for Sugawara, Asahi’s face visibly crumpled when he noticed Tsukishima walking around the far corner just as he turned into the last corridor. Asahi figured he must be heading outside for some reason. Perhaps going to that bench near the edge of the school? _Wait_ , Asahi thought, _IS HE HAVING A PANIC ATTACK! OH MY GOD HE”S HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!!_

                No longer paying attention to his surroundings, Asahi started barging through the students, desperate to get to Tsukishima. Turning the corner and rushing out the door, he looked around quickly as soon as he was outside, already speedily walking towards the bench. Thankfully he had looked around as he’d walked, otherwise he would have missed them. Tsukishima and Nishinoya were standing together, talking about... something. At first Asahi was worried that this was another repeat – Nishinoya yelling angrily at Tsukishima because of him. But as he approached it was clear that Nishinoya didn’t seem angry, or at least he wasn’t ranting and jumping about like he was wont to do when upset. Also, he breathed a sigh of relief when Tsukishima wasn’t showing any signs of being mid-attack, although that didn’t last long once he had processed Tsukishima’s expression as something he wasn’t familiar with. An expression which, as a wild guess, he might mistake for concern or even fear. Asahi was sure he was mistaken though, thinking there was nothing Nishinoya could do to worry Tsukishima so.

                “If you’re not tricking him, what is it then? Are you one of those psychopath people who can’t feel emotions or something? You probably are,” Nishinoya was hissing at Tsukishima, neither of them seeming to notice Asahi’s approach. “I should have known there was something wrong with you, no one is that mean! Leave Asahi alone, I don’t care if you’re some kind of crazy nut job, stay away from Asahi or... or...”

                “Noya-san?” Asahi asked quietly, unsure of what he had come across. Tsukishima still seemed frozen, almost like a broken robot, starting to stammer out some response only to quickly stop and try an come up with something else, each time his words coming out silent. “What’s going on?”

                “Asahi-san!” Nishinoya yelped, briefly surprised byt he sudden interruption, but quick to return to his previous expression, “It’s okay Asahi-san, you don’t have to worry anymore, I’ve got this!”. Turning back to Tsukishima, Nishinoya ended his little tirade confidently, “Now leave Asahi-san alone, or I’ll tell Takeda-sensei your a psycho! Come on Asahi-san, let’s go,”

                Stalking off triumphantly, he turned, a little confused when Asahi didn’t leave with him. Instead he was trying to talk to Tsukishima.

                “Tsukishima, what’s happening? Are you okay?” Asahi asked in a panic, not sure what was going on, but he knew it must be bad. Tsukishima’s flickering eyes suddenly focused on Asahi, and for a moment he was relieved until they quickly narrowed into a venomous glare.

                “He followed you.” he spat, “He was so stupidly worried about you that- This is all your fault.” Tsukishima suddenly turned tail and stormed off, half furious but half panicked. Asahi tried to go after him, but Nishinoya tugged on his arm stopping him.

                “What are you doing Asahi-san? Leave that weirdo alone, he’s no good,” he explained, making Asahi turn to face him.

                “What happened? What did you say?” Asahi asked with a tremor of fear in his voice, the cogs in the back of his mind already starting to turn, but he hoped he was wrong. Nishinoya looked a little sheepish before answering.

                “We were all worried after Tsukishima locked you in the closet, I didn’t know what had happened! I just wanted to make sure you were okay... so I followed you to the library the other day and saw you talking to Tsukishima,”

                “What?” Asahi paled, his fears confirmed. Nishinoya had seen them both go there, must have realised why.

                “But it’s okay! I know all about it now, so I can help! I know all about Tsukishima!” Nishinoya proclaimed in an attempt to reassure him, but only worrying him further.

                “You didn’t tell anyone did you?” he asked in a panic.

                “N-no, I thought it was a trick or something at first, but he kept saying it wasn’t, so that must mean he belongs there right?”  Nishinoya explained, seeking some kind of confirmation from Asahi, “He must be some kind of psycho or something, that’s why he’s like that. That’s why you can’t listen to all the bad things he says Asahi-san, he’s just some creepo trying to get at you,”

                Asahi recoiled inwards at Nishinoya’s words. He knew Tsukishima had feared what might happen if others found out about his mental health, knew what that was like himself. This was even worse than what had happened to him though, Nishinoya seemed to think Tsukishima was some kind of disturbed sociopath. He wanted to try and correct him, but Tsukishima already seemed angry enough. What if trying to explain only made things worse? He didn’t know what to do as Nishinoya dragged him back into the school buildings.


	35. Being Smothered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, it's a whole new year lol....
> 
> Sorry I haven't been active lately, holidays are just terrible for me, I can never get anything done. I should be done with my break now, so I will try very hard to update regularly as well.  
> I hope you guys like this chapter, I was a little iffy about it but really just needed to put something out, so apologies if it's not as great a comeback as you were hoping :P
> 
> I hope you're all well and I hope you'll enjoy many more chapters in the new year
> 
> nightshade

                Tsukishima’s words kept playing back in his head, over and over. At practice that afternoon he’d tried to approach Tsukishima only to be scared off by another glare before he could speak. He hadn’t tried again after that, only daring to glance in his direction a few times when he thought no one was looking. Nishinoya was stuck on him the whole afternoon, seemingly content to make idle chatter and do whatever he wanted, even going so far as to offer to carry his stuff. Any other time he might have felt bad for pretty much just tuning him out, but Asahi was too stuck in his head to concentrate on whatever Nishinoya was saying for too long.

                The rest of the team was still giving him a pretty wide berth, at one point he wondered what the point of coming here even was anymore. No one was treating him normally now, he couldn’t practice like this. Whenever he missed a spike or fumbled a receive it seemed like the practice ground to a halt for a few minutes while everyone reassured him it was fine. It was humiliating. And the more it happened, the more uncomfortable he became, and so the more often he screwed up. By the time the session was over he was about ready to walk out.

                As he headed out the door, Nishinoya at side, he happened to glance over at Tsukishima and Yamaguchi finishing packing up. Yamaguchi was there nattering on while Tsukishima kept a blank face, letting Yamaguchi do most of the work. Something about the similarities between Yamaguchi and how Nishinoya had been acting today made him laugh. Tsukishima’s accusing look quickly stifled it though when he realised he’d still been looking at them when he laughed. He felt like he should go over and say something, but Nishinoya was already pushing him out the door saying something about getting pork buns.

                “Sorry Noya,” Asahi mumbled. The two of them were walking in the direction of Ukai’s family store, Hinata, Kageyama and Tanaka walking a few metres ahead, “I think I’m just going to go home,”

                “What? Don’t you want to get pork buns?” Nishinoya asked, a little concern starting to seep into his voice already, “We could get popsicles instead? Or something else?”

                “No, it’s fine, I...” Asahi sighed a little, the dim evening light only making him feel gloomier, “I think I’m just going to go home,”

                “Um, okay, see you tomorrow!” Nishinoya waved good bye as Asahi turned off down another street, heading in the direction of his house. Nishinoya stood at the corner for a bit, watching him go before rushing to join Tanaka and the others when they called for him.

                Pacing in his dim bedroom, Asahi couldn’t help but feel trapped. He could practically feel his anxiety building, no matter how many breathing exercises or relaxation techniques he used. It felt like everything was just crumbling down around him, smothering him slowly. Nishinoya, who had once been such a well needed source of determination and drive, had become almost insufferable. He treated him like some kind of invalid whenever they were together, and it made him want to scream out in frustration. He couldn’t say anything either, he just couldn’t. Every time he tried to work up the nerve it was quickly eroded again by little doubts and criticisms from the back of his head. Nishinoya was just trying to help, he was his friend, he couldn’t get mad at him for something like that. He didn’t know how to explain what was wrong to him without the fear that he might say something wrong and make him mad or drive him away.

                On top of it all Tsukishima, perhaps the one person he felt maybe understood, and who still treated him normally, seemed to want nothing to do with him. He found himself replaying his accusations, that it was his fault, twisting Tsukishima’s words and face more and more with each reiteration until it seemed like Tsukishima must hate him now, that he would never forgive him. Nishinoya had followed him because he hadn’t been able to properly convince him that he was okay, if he’d managed to do that then Nishinoya wouldn’t have followed him, wouldn’t have found out about Tsukishima. Asahi thought about the things Nishinoya had said about Tsukishima. Did he think the same things about him? Maybe different things, but just as bad, never said to his face? He wondered what they’d spoken about at the store after he left them – did they talk about him? He hated this, hated that he couldn’t stop thinking it, hated that he couldn’t even tell what was real and what was lies anymore.

                The next morning Asahi sleeps through his alarm, leaving him to rush to practice only to slow to a trudge halfway there when he begins to think about what might be awaiting him. By the time he gets there, practice is almost over. Standing outside the gym doors awkwardly, he hesitates. Thoughts of ditching drifted through his head. By this point the bell’s almost about to ring anyway, he reasons with himself. All that’s likely to happen is Daichi may reprimand him in that weird way he does, starting sternly only to soften midway through, a change Asahi presumes is he captain remembering that he has anxiety. He even feels guilty when a feeling of relief settles on his shoulders when he realises he could avoid Nishinoya, at least for a few more hours.

                Just as he’s mentally berating himself for thinking such a thing, the door suddenly opens, Tsukishima’s blank stare taking a moment to register him, suddenly hardening before he walks past Asahi, ignoring him completely. He feels embarrassed after he has to stop himself from letting out a weak whimper. For a few moments, in between thoughts of avoiding Daichi and Nishinoya, he’d forgotten that Tsukishima was avoiding him. Finally making his decision, Asahi walked away from the door, jogging slightly in the direction Tsukishima had gone.


	36. An Easier Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys~
> 
> Hope you enjoy the new chapter, stuff's about to go down in the next one so look forward to that coming out soon too :D  
> (Also, I finally watched S3 of Haikyuu, and OMG it was soooooo good!)
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Heading in the direction of the club room, Asahi comes up the stairs to see Tsukishima standing outside the room, Yamaguchi talking to him. Neither having seen him yet, Asahi stood in there in the still brisk morning air for a moment before his nerve faltered and he rushed back downstairs again. He already knew Tsukishima didn’t want to see him, so why had he even bothered to try and follow. Leaning back against the cool brick wall, Asahi shifts uncomfortably, trying to sort himself out. He just didn’t want to see anyone right now, especially not Tsukishima. Not when he knew that he would just tell him to leave. Just as they’d started to become friends, he’d ruined it, and everyone else was still treating him like he was made of glass – although at this point he wasn’t so sure that was  far from the truth.

                Startled out of his thoughts by the sound of a door opening and closing upstairs, Asahi rushed off, not wanting to have to come face to face with Tsukishima for a second time. He ended up just going to class and waiting for school to start, barely paying attention all morning, his head trapped in a haze. The drone of the other students around him swelled and ebbed as lunch began. He begrudgingly went to his bag to get his lunch, only to realise in his initial rush this morning he had neglected to pack anything. Letting out a defeated sigh, he just returned to his desk, laying his head down in his arms, waiting for the break to pass.

                “Um, Asahi-san?” a concerned voice broke through the white noise.

                “Oh, hi Noya-san,” Asahi didn’t even attempt a smile as he weakly greeted Nishinoya.

                “Are you okay Asahi-san?” he asked, worried by the bad aura Asahi was giving off, “Have you had lunch yet?”

                “I, uh, forgot to bring anything,” Asahi answered sheepishly, looking down at his empty desk rather than facing Nishinoya, “It’s fine, I’ll just eat something later,”

                “You have to eat Asahi-san!” Nishinoya exclaimed, pulling a free chair over to Asahi’s desk and putting his own neatly wrapped bento down. Undoing the neatly tied cloth and opening the simple wood box revealed a basic, yet generously portioned lunch. “You can have some of mine if you want, you can’t practice on an empty stomach-“ Nishinoya paused a moment, before continuing, “Are you coming to practice this afternoon? Um, you weren’t there this morning... was it... you know,”        Nishinoya seemed unwilling to say it out loud, maybe because he knew Asahi had only told the volleyball team, but he couldn’t help but feel maybe he was uncomfortable saying it too.

                “... I slept through my alarm,” Asahi answered quietly after a moment or two. It was true. Nishinoya didn’t need to know that he’d run off after getting there, “I’ll come this afternoon,” Nishinoya beamed, pushing his bento into the middle of the desk.

                “Well then, you’d better eat up!” Nishinoya passed Asahi a spare pair of chopsticks before digging into the food. Asahi could tell he was deliberately leaving half of everything for him, although he wasn’t sure he could even eat all that with his lack of appetite. It looked nice enough, but in his mouth it was all just tasteless mush that he had to tell himself to swallow. By the end of lunch he hadn’t finished all that Nishinoya had left aside. Asahi told him that he could just eat the rest, but Nishinoya just reassured him he was full too and he’d keep it in case Asahi was hungry before practice this afternoon.

                True to his word, Asahi did go to practice that afternoon. He was worried that Daichi was going to say something about him missing that morning’s practice, but apparently Sugawara had already gotten to him judging by the smile and wave the vice captain gave when he arrived. Tsukishima failed to acknowledge him the entire time. Even when he started screwing up horribly halfway through as he kept getting caught up in his own head, Tsukishima never so much as gave him a look. The only looks he got were concerned ones from Sugawara and Nishinoya, and one dirty one from Kageyama for missing a spike for about half a second before he stopped it. It was funny how that made him feel a little better, when Nishinoya’s constant reaffirming commentary seemed to do nothing.

                Asahi ended up sitting out the last half hour, feeling too useless to do anything. For a while he found his eyes drifting to Tsukishima, watching him block Tanaka’s spikes, infuriating him immensely. He stopped that as soon as he realised he was doing it though, Tsukishima didn’t want anything to do with him. Just thinking about it made him feel worse, so it was better to not think about it at all.

                When practice finished, Nishinoya practically corralled him along, taking him with Tanaka, Hinata and Kageyama to Ukai’s store. He sat out front in the dusk while they bought their meat buns, Nishinoya having bought a second one for him. Slowly chewing on the warm dough as he walked along with Nishinoya chattering about something, he wondered if this would be so bad. Maybe it would be easier to have Nishinoya have his way and just take care of him. It would be easier.


	37. Unanswered Prayers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> Ya see, regular updates, bet you didn't believe me :P  
> Hope you enjoy the chapter (and that killer cliffhanger, trust me, next chapter shit goes down :O !!! )
> 
> nightshade

                The week seemed almost a blur to Asahi, hours melting into days through a haze. When he could bring himself to care, he wondered if it was his anxiety playing up. He figured it probably was partly that, but something else too perhaps. He showed up to practices barely half awake, letting his body go through the motions until he could shake some of the fog from his head. Nishinoya always seemed to be there, standing on the sidelines waiting to leap in to help at any time. Wondering why Nishinoya seemed so insistent on doing so much, Asahi couldn’t help but wonder if he really was that pathetic.

                Every day at lunch Nishinoya would show up at his class and sit at his desk to eat, often having to encourage him to eat more than a few slowly chewed mouthfuls. Those pointed little voices gnawed at the edge of his mind, questioning what his classmates must think. About how embarrassing it all was. Asahi was actually thankful the thick air clogging his head seemed to muffle them to white noise most of the time, although there were still occasions where they’d suddenly seem to spike, insistently prodding at him as if to make the most of the window before they were silenced again.

                During practices he could feel Nishinoya, Sugawara, even Daichi and the others, giving him looks of concern whenever they thought he couldn’t see. It was just as he hadn’t wanted, except now he felt like maybe he deserved them. Maybe in some sort of twisted way, this was the solution, he thought to himself when they glanced his way. He was just going to be the person they treated him as, then maybe he’d even be thankful for their concern. Everything just seemed futile at this point, it was easier to just ride it out. He’d graduate at the end of the year. Probably get some part-time job at a local store. Nothing interesting, but no one would be interested in him either – he could just keep drifting along unnoticed.

                Perhaps the worst part were the brief flashes of... something, whenever he happened to catch sight of Tsukishima during practices. He didn’t look on purpose, but it was unavoidable to not do so occasionally during practice. He couldn’t help but find it a little funny how quickly Tsukishima seemed to have burrowed his way into his mind – perhaps because he didn’t know how to feel about it really, so it was easier just to nervously laugh to himself. Tsukishima was hardly the person he would’ve ever thought he’d be able to get along with, let alone miss. Trying to put his finger on what it was about him that he liked so much generally ended in confusion. There were plenty of things he could list if he thought hard enough, but none seemed to provide any real answer. He couldn’t help but feel losing his new friendship with Tsukishima was probably the worst casualty of the entire debacle, and he felt pretty sure once lost he wasn’t going to get it back.

                Before long the week was over. He’d walked home from practice via Ukai’s store with Nishinoya. The popsicle Nishinoya had bought him had half melted in his hand, barely touched. Asahi grimaced a little at the stickiness of his fingers, throwing the mess in the bin in front of his house, accompanied by a small pang of guilt he quickly tried to push down in favour of going inside to wash his hands.

                Walking into his room, he glanced at the small calendar standing on his desk, a little blue sticker reminding him that he still had the anxiety group meeting to deal with. Flopping onto his bed, not bothering to change, he briefly let his mind wonder if Tsukishima would come, only to quickly dismiss such a fantasy. There’s no way he’d come after what had happened with Nishinoya. Even if his mother made him go, he’d probably just hang around in the library until the meeting was over. He didn’t even attempt to entertain the thought of approaching Tsukishima if he was there. That just seemed like a cruel form of self torture.

               

                *******

 

                It was just after lunch when Asahi, having only woken up about an hour before, opened the door as he prepared to leave to catch the train over to the next town. He needed a few moments to properly recognise that Nishinoya was standing in front of him, apparently having just been about to knock on his door.

                “Noya-san?” Asahi asked, confused as to what he was doing here.

                “Ah Asahi-san, looks like you’re already ready to go then!” he said cheerfully, “It’s still a little early, but I guess it’s better than being late huh,” he joked, not seeming to notice Asahi’s confusion.

                “Noya-san, what are you doing here?” Asahi asked bluntly, cringing as soon as the words left his mouth, wishing he’d sounded less rude. Nishinoya’s face dropped a little at Asahi’s question.

                “Aren’t you going to your group thing in the next town now?” he responded, laughing nervously, “You said it was okay if I go with you...”

                “Oh,” Asahi furrowed his brows slightly, trying to remember if he’d ever said such a thing. His memory was such a blur that he really couldn’t tell. “Right, sorry, I’d forgotten all about it,”

                “I- I can go home... if you don’t want me to come,” Nishinoya mumbled, looking dejected.

                “N-no, no, it’s fine – I just forgot, that’s all,” Asahi rambled a little, “It’s... it’s fine I guess... Um, we should go now so we don’t miss the train,” he tried to move past the awkwardness of the whole situation.

                As the two of them walked down the road, silent except for Nishinoya faintly humming some tune under his breath, Asahi started to worry. Would it really be a good idea for Nishinoya to come? On one hand, maybe it might be a good thing – he might be able to learn a bit more about what it’s like having anxiety. But on the other hand... He could only think of how Nishinoya had treated Tsukishima, or even how Nishinoya had treated him. With a little desperation he began to hope that Tsukishima wasn’t going to be there at all.

                The train ride was largely silent, as was the bus from the station to the library. Nishinoya occasionally made some small talk, or commented on the scenery, to which Asahi would nod or hum, too busy worrying about what would happen at the meeting. When they got to the library, Asahi was largely just praying that Tsukishima wouldn’t be there, not wanting Nishinoya to cause some kind of scene with him before they meeting even began.

                As they walked around the corner of the building to head towards the doors however, Asahi felt the blood start to drain from his face, his prayers apparently unanswered. Tsukishima was standing just outside the doors, seemingly having just arrived himself, only to stop in the entrance upon seeing the two of them.


	38. Emotions Boil Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone,
> 
> Don't worry, the cliffhanger is now resolved (although I suppose you might consider this chapter's ending another cliff hanger :P )  
> We're only a few chapters away from reaching IT, I'm so excited :D
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Tsukishima stared silently at Asahi and Nishinoya, his face blank as if he couldn’t decide what he was feeling. Nishinoya seemed in a somewhat similar predicament, although rather than his face not showing any emotion, it seemed to be trying to show every emotion at once – twitching as he opened and closed his mouth a few times trying to find words.

                “What are you doing here?!” he suddenly squeaked, pointing at Tsukishima in an accusing fashion. Tsukishima’s face hardened, as his typical icy demeanour returned.

                “I could ask you the same,” he hissed in a more subdued tone, eyes frequently flickering between Nishinoya and Asahi, although Asahi wasn’t sure what it was he was looking for. Asahi himself was instinctively trying to shrink in on himself, despite his large frame, sensing the growing tension in the air between the other two boys but unable to move or speak to do anything about it.

                “I’m here with Asahi-san for his meeting thing, so there!” Nishinoya countered, smirking with satisfaction before trying to turn the conversation back around to Tsukishima. “What about you, huh? I told you to stay away from Asahi-san, you’re just gonna make him sicker!” Tsukishima seemed to baulk for a moment before quickly recovering his composure.

                “What would you know about it? You have no idea what you’re talking about, not that you ever seem to,” Tsukishima starting snipping back, stepping a step closer to the two of them, “And last time I checked, this was a public library, meaning anyone’s allowed in – regretfully even you,”

                “Don’t you try and trick me, I’m not as stupid as that!” Nishinoya retorted, starting to get angrier. Asahi wanted to move forward to intervene, to say something to try and calm Nishinoya down, but his body seemed frozen, hands shaking a little as Nishinoya kept getting louder as he closed in on Tsukishima. “I know you’re just here to mess with Asahi-san – well I won’t let you! I don’t know what you’re big problem is, maybe your just some kind of evil freak or something, but I’m not gonna let you ruin Asahi – he’s already had do deal with enough!”

                “You stupid little-“ Tsukishima seemed to snap for a moment, shoving Nishinoya back and sending him reeling backwards until he fell to the ground with a grunt. Nishinoya was back on his feet in a second, fists raised and looking at Tsukishima with fire in his eyes.

                “Just try me, I’m not gonna let you hurt Asahi without a fight!” he declared, almost jumping up and down with the amount of energy coiled up in his small frame, ready to pounce on Tsukishima at the slightest sign of aggression. Tsukishima on the other hand looked a little scared, and while Asahi personally found the riled up Nishinoya to be quite terrifying, he didn’t really think that was what was bothering Tsukishima.

                “I... I’m leaving, whatever,” Tsukishima mumbled under his breath before turning heel and almost jogging away. Nishinoya turned to Asahi, looking mighty pleased with himself, but Asahi was still looking after Tsukishima walking away, about to turn the corner. Finally, somehow, his body started to respond to his head again, his lips mouthing Tsukishima’s name before he was finally able to convince his stiff legs to start moving after Tsukishima.

                “Asahi-san? Asahi-san, where are you going?” Nishinoya asked worriedly, tugging on Asahi’s arm back in the direction of the library doors.

                “I- I think something’s wrong with Tsukishima,” he stammered, trying to make his legs move faster than they were, already worrying that perhaps he wouldn’t be able to catch up. “Something seemed... I don’t know, but I have to find him,”

                “What? Asahi-san no!” Nishinoya ran around in front of Asahi, barring his path, “I get that maybe you’re just being nice or something, but you don’t have to be nice to him! Being around him is just going to make you sicker, he’s not good for you to be around,”

                “Who said that?” Asahi snapped back sharply at Nishinoya, startling him a little, startling himself a little.

                “B-but he-“ Nishinoya began to respond, starting to look uncertain as Asahi cut him off.

                “I never said that, I never said Tsukishima was bad – you and everyone else did. He’s not bad, he... he helps me okay – I have to go find him,”  Asahi finally managed to push past Nishinoya, taking advantage of his sudden wavering. Rushing to the corner, Asahi looked every direction he could, rubbing away the stubborn tears starting to prick the corners of his eyes as he began to realise Tsukishima was already gone. Regardless, he started wandering around, heading in the general direction of the train station looking for him, forgetting all about Nishinoya and the group meeting.

                By the time he reached the station, he realised the meeting was about over already. Nishinoya hadn’t made any attempts to come after him either. Giving up his search, Asahi got on the next train home, hoping that Tsukishima was okay. He figured he’d probably find out at practice on Monday.


	39. To Hope Or Not To Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? An update on a Tuesday?  
> I figured why not, I still haven't managed to finally pull my thumb out and start rewriting Suga's Saga, so have this instead :D  
> But I would prepare yourselves for the next chapter though. I have been waiting for it for a LONG time ;P
> 
> Hope you enjoy
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi actually managed to show up on time for practice on Monday, although that was really only because it’s hard to sleep in when you never go to sleep in the first place. He’d lain in bed all night thinking about what had happened outside the library. Anxiety building, he couldn’t help but feel that he had screwed up everything. Tsukishima no longer wanted anything to do with him, and Asahi couldn’t help but feel the loss of the short-lived friendship deeply. Even Nishinoya, who’d only wanted to help, he’d driven away, yelling at him like that. He probably wouldn’t want anything to do with him anymore either.

                Turning up in the early morning air, stomach turning as his breakfast sat uncomfortably and struggling not to yawn, Asahi slipped into the gym, hoping not to draw attention.

                “Asahi!” Sugawara’s voice called out cheerfully. He sighed, wondering why he even bothered hoping any more. “Good to see you here so early today,” Sugawara greeted him, jogging over from where he’d been talking with Daichi, “How are you?”

                “Tired.” Asahi’s fuzzy brain supplied, speaking without meaning to and only realising he’d spoken aloud when Sugawara’s face showed concern.

                “Did you sleep okay? You’re not sick are you?” he asked, already reaching to place a hand on Asahi’s forehead before Asahi gently batted it away.

                “N-no I’m fine,” Asahi tried to force his head to come up with a reasonable excuse, not wanting to give Sugawara any cause for concern, “I just forgot about some homework I had until last night,” Apparently he came off as looking sufficiently guilty as Sugawara seemed to buy the lie, scolding him softly before telling him to stretch properly and going back over to Daichi.

                While he was halfway though stretching, Nishinoya came in, spotting Asahi almost immediately. His eyes widened a moment, pausing as if unsure of what to do, before scurrying off to do his own stretches. Asahi sighed, convinced he had indeed ruined his friendship with Nishinoya. Berating himself for not being more grateful for Nishinoya’s concern and snapping at him, he didn’t notice everyone else arriving until Sugawara called out to him, everyone else already waiting to begin.

                It was during the start of practice talk from Coach Ukai that Asahi realised not everyone was there. He noticed a very awkward looking Yamaguchi, seemingly a little unsure of what to do with himself without Tsukishima standing beside him. Although a small part of his mind began to worry why Tsukishima wasn’t there, his brain seemed to focus instead on Yamaguchi’s reaction.  As practice continued, Yamaguchi seemed to return to normal, following the normal routine of the morning practice, but Asahi couldn’t help but ponder the boy’s dependence on Tsukishima. It wasn’t as if Yamaguchi was hopeless without him, he just seemed more confident and comfortable when the other boy was around.

                Asahi figured it was probably because Yamaguchi genuinely felt he could rely on Tsukishima, he thought that perhaps it would be nice to know what that was like. Maybe he already did though. Had being friends with Tsukishima made him more confident? He didn’t really think so, but he had told the team about his anxiety, something he would never have considered before. Even if it hadn’t gone very well, he’d still done it. Part of him pointed out he’d largely just done it to try and help Tsukishima, but maybe that was enough. He wasn’t sure, and regardless he realised that he wasn’t friends with Tsukishima anymore now anyway, so what did it even matter.

                When practice ended he considered approaching Yamaguchi to ask where Tsukishima was, but thought better of it. He’d only pester Yamaguchi, and Tsukishima didn’t want to see him anyway, he’d probably just put Yamaguchi in an awkward position and he didn’t want that. Ignoring the noisy banter between Hinata and Kageyama in the club room, the others laughing at their antics, Asahi quickly got his things and left. The words the teacher wrote on the board during class were vague and fuzzy, refusing to be copied onto his page, so he just gave up.

                Having actually packed lunch that day, he ate at his desk, thankful he had brought something for there would be no Nishinoya to share with today. Maybe he could’ve gone and joined Sugawara and Daichi, but he didn’t feel like lowering their moods or having to either avoid or answer their prying questions. Only half done with his rice and already considering putting the rest away, he happened to notice Yamaguchi outside his classroom, peeking in timidly for a moment only to pull his head back again.

                Curious, and perhaps a little bored, Asahi got up and walked to the door, catching Yamaguchi unawares. Suddenly realising he didn’t know what to say, he was thankful when Yamaguchi spoke first.

                “U-um, have you seen Tsukki at all?” he asked, looking up and down the hall nervously as he did, as if he wasn’t supposed to be there.

                “He wasn’t at practice,” Asahi responded, immediately feeling a little dumb for that answer, “I mean, I assumed he wasn’t here today,”

                “Oh, um, no he’s here, he... just wasn’t feeling well this morning,” Yamaguchi looked around with extra care this time before turning back to speak in more hushed tones, “He’s been acting all odd today, he left as soon as lunch started and I thought maybe he might’ve gone to eat with you, but... I guess not...”

                “Odd? What do you mean?” Asahi asked, concern starting to rise no matter how much he tried to tell himself it wasn’t his business and to stay out of it.

                “I, uh, just forget it, um...” Yamaguchi made to leave but then stopped, nerves leaving his face for a moment, replaced by a small smile as he spoke, “I think Tsukki misses you,” He quickly hurried off to continue looking for Tsukishima before Asahi could respond, although he didn’t know how he would respond anyway.

                Slowly heading back to his seat in a slight daze, he tried to wrap his head around the idea that _Tsukishima_ might miss _him_. Thinking about it made his chest hurt a little, which only seemed to spur his concerns over the fact that he was apparently missing, or at least just acting odd. Why would Tsukishima miss him? Didn’t Tsukishima hate him? He didn’t know what to think, his head only becoming more messy than it already was.


	40. A Spontaneous Visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it only took me forty chapters :P
> 
> Hope you enjoy,
> 
> nightshade

                Asahi’s head was still up in the clouds for all of his afternoon classes, but this time Yamaguchi’s words had been added to the mix. Every time he replayed them in his head he worried that he was hoping too much, as well as that his face was turning red. However, every time he replayed them he also started to believe them a little more. Maybe it was just wishful thinking and he was just setting himself up for more disappointment, but even just the hope that maybe Tsukishima didn’t hate him as much as he’d thought was enough to get him through to practice.

                Entering the gym expectantly, Asahi looked around for Tsukishima, only for his hopes to be dashed – he wasn’t there. Just an awkward Yamaguchi stretching in the corner. Asahi suddenly felt stupid for thinking he would just walk in and make up with Tsukishima, nothing had actually changed. Approaching Yamaguchi tentatively, he felt something off about his sheepish looking expression.

                “Um, Tsukki still wasn’t feeling well... he said he was just gonna go home...” Yamaguchi mumbled, trying to laugh it off, but Asahi still noticed the edge of concern in the boy’s voice.

                “Oh... well I hope he’ll be better soon,” Asahi replied stiffly. He wasn’t really sure what to say, and the whole thing was just becoming increasingly awkward.

                “Yeah... me too...” Yamaguchi agreed quietly, before rushing off when Sugawara called out to him for help setting up. Asahi didn’t really speak to him again for the rest of practice, not really sure what to say. Nishinoya was still keeping his distance, although every now and again he looked like he was about to approach him, only to veer off at the last second.

                Asahi began to feel the gloominess he’d felt that morning resettling down over his mind, smothering the small amount of hope he’d managed to hold onto since lunch. After practice he walked home, not bothering to say good bye to anyone, or even change out of his gym clothes. Once he was home, he quickly stripped off and got in the shower, lost in thought under the warm pressure of the water until his mother knocked on the door, worried about how long he’d been in there. Realising that the water had begun to turn cold, he quickly turned it off and dried himself, apologising meekly to his mother on the way to his bedroom.

                Hair still wet, he curled up on his bed, waiting for all the stray thoughts and anxieties circling through his head to disappear. As he finally fell asleep the last thing he thought of was the memory of Yamaguchi talking to him at lunch, although in his half-dream state the words came out in Tsukishima’s voice, making his cheeks burn as he finally drifted off.

 

                *******

 

                As each day had passed, Asahi found himself becoming more and more concerned. Tsukishima no longer showed up for morning or afternoon practices anymore, Yamaguchi not even bothering to try and come up with excuses. Asahi was pretty sure the two weren’t even walking to and from school together anymore. The one time he’d checked at lunch as well, he’d only seen Yamaguchi sitting alone at his desk, on Tsukishima in sight, even though his bag and things were there.

                It was almost the end of the week when Asahi saw him. The bell had only just rung, and it was only the fact that Asahi had been on his way back from the bathroom that he’d even managed to catch sight of him. Tsukishima was probably the first out of the classroom, long legs carrying him swiftly down the slowly filling halls. It didn’t seem like he’d noticed Asahi, but his skin looked a little paler than usual, almost kind of waxy. Something about the way he carried himself just seemed off, it was unlike the Tsukishima Asahi knew.

                On impulse, Asahi began following him, not even thinking of his own things back in the classroom, or missing practice after school. It was the first time in days he’d even seen Tsukishima, and all he could think about was Yamaguchi’s words – repeating them over and over in his head as he tried to build up the necessary confidence to talk to him.

                He ended up following him all the way out of the school and off into some suburb. Honestly, Asahi was a little surprised Tsukishima hadn’t noticed him following – he wasn’t the most subtle person to begin with, and he couldn’t afford to be sneaky while trying to keep up with Tsukishima’s pace. Eventually Tsukishima headed into some house in the middle of an average looking street. The car parked out the front was familiar, Asahi recognising it as the one Tsukishima’s mother drove. Figuring that this must be Tsukishima’s house, he realised he would have to just go up to the door and knock.

                Twenty minutes later he was still standing awkwardly on the sidewalk out the front, unable to walk any closer. His nerves were getting the better of him, petrifying him on the spot. Just as he turned to leave, he suddenly used the momentum to turn and run all the way up to Tsukishima’s front door and without thinking knocked strongly four times. Realising what he’d just done, Asahi panicked and started to turn to run, only to freeze still when the door opened, Tsukishima’s mother standing in the entrance way.

                “Oh? You’re Azumane-kun right?” she asked, a small smile on her face, “Are you here to see Kei?”

                “U-um...” Asahi couldn’t seem to move his tongue the way he wanted, instead managing a quick nod.

                “Well please, come in then,” she offered warmly, “Kei! Visitors!” she called up the stairs, not getting any response. “Ah, he’s probably just listening to music – go right ahead, he’s just upstairs. If you’ll excuse me I have some work to do,” Giving another small smile, the woman walked back into some other room, her posture and the bags under her eyes suggesting she hadn’t had much sleep.

                After having stood in the entrance way for longer than what was probably reasonable, Asahi began to walk up the stairs. He wasn’t really sure what he was doing here – Tsukishima didn’t want to talk to him, let alone have him in his house. He’d just come here on impulse, without thinking, but he was too far gone to back out now. Reaching the top of the stairs, he saw the first door on the left with a sign “Kei” on it. Approaching, Asahi braced himself before knocking softly,

                “Uh, Tsukishima? I-it’s me... Asahi?” he asked nervously, awaiting a response. Not getting any, he knocked again and listened, the only sound that came was a soft noise, sounding like it was muffled. “I, uh, I’m coming in,” Asahi announced, figuring he couldn’t just stand out here forever. Sliding the door open a few inches, at first he didn’t see Tsukishima. Looking down, he saw the boy on his knees, face pressed into a pillow that was clutched tightly in his arms, shivers occasionally running along his body.

                “Tsukishima? Tsukishima?!” Asahi panicked, entering the room properly, closing the door behind him as he rushed to Tsukishima, falling onto his knees next to him, “Are you okay? Are you having an attack?”

                Tsukishima’s face was still pressed into the pillow he was desperately clutching to himself, glasses pressed uncomfortably into his skin and his hair starting to stick to his head with sweat. Asahi began to murmur small reassurances to him that everything was going to be okay, hand rubbing his back gently but firmly. Without warning, Tsukishima fell against him, Asahi reflexively catching him in an embrace as Tsukishima’s short hiccuping pants increased in intensity.

               “Shhh, just breathe Tsukishima, okay, focus on my breathing and just try and copy me,” Asahi said in a hushed tone, breathing slow, even breaths. He could feel Tsukishima struggling to copy him, sucking in air slowly, only to suddenly begin panicking each time and having to start over. He wasn’t sure how long had passed – it could have been five minutes or five hours for all Asahi knew, he seemed entirely focused on helping Tsukishima get control of his breathing and helping him to calm down.

                “Asahi?” Tsukishima breathed, finally looking up from his pillow at him. His skin had pink marks where his glasses had dug into him and his eyes were red rimmed and bleary. His eyes were still a little unfocused, looking at Asahi with an expression of slight confusion as the last of the panic seeped out of his body. Then before he even realised what was happening, Tsukishima leaned up, his slightly chapped lips grazing against his own with a slight hint of a purse, before he returned to burying his face in the pillow. Asahi barely knew what had just happened, unable to respond in the slightest.


End file.
